Mondays Crap Joke Thread

platypus

platypus

platypus

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me... a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car...

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days...

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the bolognese sauce I lovingly made for you last night, the sauce you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away...

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't wear because you say they are too tight...

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because according to you, I don't have good taste...

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said...

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
 
My wife just came in an said to me ' I'm so busy i dont know if im coming or going'.
I took one look at her face and said ' You must be going . . coz when your cumming you look like a Down's Syndrome trying to whistle'
 
Last edited:
MiNxYyY said:
My wife jut came in an said to me ' I'm so busy i dont know if im coming or going'.
I took one look at her face and said ' You must be going . . coz when your cumming you look like a Down's Syndrome trying to whistle'
Click to expand...

I hate to admit it but this gave me the biggest LOL of the day.
 
Probably well heard before, but the OP made me think of this...

A woman comes home and finds her her husband in bed with a sheep. She starts yelling at him, going crazy. The man says "This is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not interested." The woman says "That's not a pig!" and the fella says "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
 
vonhelmet said:
Probably well heard before, but the OP made me think of this...

A woman comes home and finds her her husband in bed with a sheep. She starts yelling at him, going crazy. The man says "This is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not interested." The woman says "That's not a pig!" and the fella says "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Click to expand...

You have just ruined a surprisingly good joke thread.

I am disappoint
 
Just signed up to match.com and my profile got rejected.

One of the questions was "What do you want in a woman?"

Apparently, "My ****" isn't an acceptable answer... :(
 
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