Found a dog with no nose

This old husband and wife are in church, and the husband whispers to the wife, 'I just did a silent blow-off, what do you think about that?' and the wife answers, 'I think you need to change the battery in your hearing aid'
 
I came home early from work last week and caught my wife having sex with my best friend.
I kicked her out of the house right there and then, telling her never to darken my door again.
Then I turned to my best friend and told him. "Bad dog! No walkies for you."
 
I was sitting in a bar last night and some fella was in there with a black top on, black shorts and a whistle in his mouth and i thought to myself, this ****'s gonna kick off in a minute...
 
A dog with three legs goes into a pub. The barman asks if he can help him. The dog replies, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".
 
I used to date a dutch girl with inflatable shoes, I was devastated to learn she had recently popped her clogs
 
I feared this would be a terribly depressing rspca - themed thread about someone who took a knife to a dog. I'm thoroughly relieved that it's not. So your joke has cheered me up, sort of.
 
At my last appraisal meeting my line manager told me I was "rude and apathetic".

I told him I didn't ******* care.
 
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