Cancer situation, what would you do?

RoboCod · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:21

So, let's say you have been offered a job in the US for 3 years; it's a dream opportunity you always wanted. The administrative paperwork is all in and the job is guaranteed, you're going to be earning a very good salary for being there which will help you pretty much realise your goal of buying a nice big house in the UK when you return. You're scheduled to head to the US to live by summer.

You have several brothers and sister and your parents are still together happily married, you're the eldest of the siblings. Recently your mother went in for an operation but the surgeon finds something more sinister than expected; she is riddled with cancer (stage 4). At this moment in time it is unknown how long she has to live but the only treatment available is Chemotherapy (

).

Work are aware of your situation. You have just been given a deadline to decide to move to America by the end of February.

What do you do and how do you come to the decision?

A few omissions in my OP there that would have answered these questions/points...

Morba said:
Speak to your mum.

Already have but not as conclusively as hoped. Her and the whole family insist I go and pursue my career. I know she is saying this because she is selfless and dreads the thought that she might be a "burden".

gambitt said:
How old are you by the way?

29

doofer said:
Do you really want to work for a Company that is aware of your situation and gives you a take-it-or-leave it deadline? Opportunities and Jobs come and go, you'll get another offer, you'll get other opportunities, you won't get another Mum.

I'm in the Forces, I'm just a number really. Having said that the forces are very good at welfare issues and a possibility of delaying my post to the US is high. I know they would make every effort to get me home ASAP should she take a turn for the worse in future, but I'm not sure I could live with just that. On the flip side she could live for many years. Life lottery and the hardest decision I have been propsed yet

Gaz1988 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:28

family comes first.

ubern00b · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:31

I have lived in the UK for the last 10 years while my parents were back in South Africa. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and 6 months later she was dead. I managed to get home twice to see her in that time (the 6 month period, not the 10 years) and was home when she passed but I would give anything to have spent more time with her in the 10 years I was away. I left it too late, you have a choice.

ntg · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:31

obviously family comes first.

As for the job, if they went through so much trouble to get you they really want you so you could perhaps discuss it with someone to start later? like 6 months later or something when things will be clearer? they've already spent loads of money for the legal fees and visa applications so they will only lose out if they cancel the job for you and look for someone else.

gambitt · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:32

Ask her what she thinks.

boxman2000 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:33

Speak to your mum, family does come first but I'm sure she wouldn't want you to give up an opportunity like this.

Nobody can make this decision but you - all the best with it mate as it's a tough one for sure.

gambitt · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:35

How old are you by the way?

If it's a very well paid job (as per your big house aspirations) then fly back regularly.

Cosimo · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:35

Speak to her about it but at the end of the day this kind of decision is up to you alone.

Masterdog · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:35

I know it's impossible to know until you get into this situation, but I think I'd go for the job, then fly back as often as possible.

Morba · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:36

Speak to your mum.

cm1179 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:36

put your family first. with all that going on, one would never have their mind fully on the job.

Dave85 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:37

I would accept that stage 4 is rough and as the numbers surviving a year on some cancers are under 50% I would accept the proposal to move and give as much time as I could to her between now and summer. Check the situation again nearer the time and if things are looking better move. IF things take a turn for the worse I would tell them then that they can either have a heart and let you stay an extra few months or leave the job offer.

doofer · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:37

Do you really want to work for a Company that is aware of your situation and gives you a take-it-or-leave it deadline? Opportunities and Jobs come and go, you'll get another offer, you'll get other opportunities, you won't get another Mum.

G-MAN2004 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:37

Sorry to hear.

As said, I agree family comes first. I know I'd regret it not being there more if I moved away.

wiiija · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:40

I would be devastated to have to leave my mum knowing that, BUT, I'm pretty certain she would be completely gutted if I missed such an opportunity, its a tough choice and I'm very sorry to hear about your mother

killsta · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:47

Stay with your mum, otherwise I guarantee you'll regret it.

Participant · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:48

I'm assuming you've aksed but I'll say it anyway - write to your prospective employer and formally request a year's deferral, fully explaining your dilemma.

The worst they can say is 'no', and the manner in which they do say no might give you a better clue as to whether or not they're actually the sort of company you want to work for.

At the same time, talk to your mum and gauge her thoughts, though I'd bet she'll be very much approaching it from an angle of 'go to America and take the opportunity'. You'd be unlikely to ever find out if she, in her heart-of-hearts, felt that she wanted you to stay.

Assuming the most likely scenario of your mum says go and your employer won't defer, I'd probably stay and tell my mum there'll be other opportunities.

ps3ud0 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:52

TBH you need to weigh up the guilt/regret of either situation and which one you could live with and ...

Sorry to be blunt, but I think your decision will be easier that way...

ps3ud0 :cool:

MoRT489 · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:53

Sorry to hear that. If the prospective employer has taken the time and expense to interview u (and presumably fly u to the US on expense for said interview), I'd say they might be willing to push your start date by 6 months. Spend as much time with your family as you can.

Alternatively, if you aren't scheduled to move until summer can't you accept the job now and if you find closer to the time that you dont want to leave your family, you can reject it? They can't force you to come.

RoboCod · 3 Feb 2011 at 14:54

A few omissions in my OP there that would have answered these questions/points...

Morba said:
Speak to your mum.

Already have but not as conclusively as hoped. Her and the whole family insist I go and pursue my career. I know she is saying this because she is selfless and dreads the thought that she might be a "burden".

gambitt said:
How old are you by the way?

29

doofer said:
Do you really want to work for a Company that is aware of your situation and gives you a take-it-or-leave it deadline? Opportunities and Jobs come and go, you'll get another offer, you'll get other opportunities, you won't get another Mum.

I'm in the Forces, I'm just a number really. Having said that the forces are very good at welfare issues and a possibility of delaying my post to the US is high. I know they would make every effort to get me home ASAP should she take a turn for the worse in future, but I'm not sure I could live with just that. On the flip side she could live for many years. Life lottery and the hardest decision I have been propsed yet