**OcUK OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!**
- Thread starter Shayper
- Start date
Soldato
- Joined
- 16 Nov 2003
- Posts
- 9,682
- Location
- On the pale blue dot
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Barman asks: "What is this, some kind of joke?"
The Barman asks: "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Soldato
- Joined
- 23 Dec 2009
- Posts
- 18,254
- Location
- RG8 9
Someone threw a lump of cheese at my head the other day.
I said 'that's mature'.
I said 'that's mature'.
Soldato
- Joined
- 23 Dec 2009
- Posts
- 18,254
- Location
- RG8 9
I got sent out of my biology class today.
When asked 'Can you name a long term effect of obesity?'
I probably shouldn't have said 'Bullying'
When asked 'Can you name a long term effect of obesity?'
I probably shouldn't have said 'Bullying'
.... and ones that have more than two lines.
Soldato
- Joined
- 3 Jan 2009
- Posts
- 3,310
- Location
- In west London
Finally, all the depression can be channelled here.
Soldato
- Joined
- 16 Nov 2003
- Posts
- 9,682
- Location
- On the pale blue dot
Soldato
- Joined
- 23 Dec 2009
- Posts
- 18,254
- Location
- RG8 9
One of my employees came into work this morning shouting his head off. "Vodka, Sambuca, Tequila!"
I stood up and said "Hey, I call the shots round here!"
I stood up and said "Hey, I call the shots round here!"
Associate
- Joined
- 3 Mar 2010
- Posts
- 1,183
- Location
- Staffordshire
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Susie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied
'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified,
Susie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having
sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the
Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Susie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied
'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified,
Susie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having
sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the
Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
Last edited:
Soldato
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2010
- Posts
- 7,058
- Location
- Bedford
A taxi driver works very hard by driving daily to different places. However he always complains that he doesn't make any money.
Why, because his friends are always occupying the remaining seats!!.
Why, because his friends are always occupying the remaining seats!!.
Soldato
- Joined
- 23 Dec 2009
- Posts
- 18,254
- Location
- RG8 9
A bloke was doing impressions in the pub last night and he did a brilliant take on me.
Sounded just like Morten Harket.
Sounded just like Morten Harket.
The reason why these threads don't work is that I can't be bothered to read ANY of these posts. It's just not interesting.
It's much more effective when it's just the OP.
***********official thread***********
Not in this case, I'm afraid.
It's much more effective when it's just the OP.
***********official thread***********
Not in this case, I'm afraid.
Associate
- Joined
- 3 Mar 2010
- Posts
- 1,183
- Location
- Staffordshire
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
Associate
- Joined
- 3 Mar 2010
- Posts
- 1,183
- Location
- Staffordshire
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Ten minutes later he threw some cheese and then he threw some milk at me.
I thought “how dairy!”