**OcUK OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!**

I said to my missus this morning, "Tonight I want you to dress up like a tart and act like a whore".

She said, "Oooooo Why's that darling?"

I said, "Because I'm skint 'til the end of the month."
 
A guy sees a talking centipede in a pet shop for sale at £500. He thinks it'll be great fun, so he buys it. He takes it home in a little box, and about half-hour after arriving home decides he'll take it to take it to the pub with him. He taps on the box and says "do you fancy coming for a beer?" No answer. He taps again, says it a bit louder, still no answer. By now he's losing his temper so he shouts "do you want to come to the pub or not?" All of a sudden a voice says "I heard you the first time, I putting my bloody shoes on."
 
Paddy gets home to find his wife lying on the bed with a gun by her side.
Paddy immediately dials 999 and tells the operator his wife is dead.
The operator say’s don’t panic paddy; first of all, make sure she is actually dead.
Theirs a click followed by a loud bang…….. Ok done that, says paddy, what next?
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so ****ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
 
justintime2001 said:
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
Click to expand...

justintime2001 said:
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Click to expand...

Ha ha! :D


What did the suspenders say to the pants?

What up britches?

*

What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common?

They both had a Downy Jr. inside of them.

*

Little Bobby was in art class when he exclaims to his teacher: "Ms. Miller! I ain't got no crayons!"

The teacher corrects Bobby. "You have no crayons. Ellen has no crayons. We have no crayons. Understand?"

Bobby is bewildered. "Not really. What happened to all the ******* crayons?"
 
Paddy is at a job interview and the guy says, Give me a sentence containing the word "fascinate"

Paddy says, I've got a shirt with nine buttons but I can only fasten eight.
 
Paddy sick of life turns to his mate and tells him
"tonite im going to end it when i get home, im jumping out off my bedroom window"
"But paddy you live in a ground floor"
" it doesn't matter i'll jump 4 times"
 
One I remembered this morning while in the shower -


I went for a meal at the New Bombay last night. The waiter came over and said, "Curry okay?"



I replied, "Go on then, one song then you can **** off."
 
LITTLE JOHNNY

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things.
The first little boy answered, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word," said the teacher.
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done," she said
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the Teacher said,
"My, That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
Little Johnny replied,
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats ****in' batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom