Parent dies, New Friend

GJ02

GJ02

GJ02

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Has anyone here had a parent die and after a number of years the remaining parent has found another friend ( as my mum tells me )

4 years ago my dad passed away with cancer, was very emotional time as i'm sure you can imagine. At one point I didn't know if my mum was going to pull through, but as time went on she did.
After about 2 years a guy who mum and dad used to be friends with started to pay an interest in mum, nothing serious just take her out for meals and watch dvds with her and stuff like that.
Now this guy he is a nice guy, both myself and my bro know he is looking out for mum and is a genuine person, but it wasn't till last night when I visited my mum in hospital ( after a spinal operation ) and mums friend was there, how bizzare the whole thing is. Mum has a picture of me and my bro and dad right next to her bed in the hospital, obviously it makes her feel better, but for some reason i couldn't help but think what mums friend might think.
The more and more I see him around, the more I warm to him, he works on the opposite shift to me at Airbus and we always have say hi etc etc when we see eachother.
But what i'm experiencing is the same things I did with my dad, dad worked at Airbus too for 35 years, and whenever I went round all we would talk about was work and whats going on etc etc, thats all me and mums friend do really, and its starting to remind me of dad, at the same time i'm warming to the guy and its starting to make me feel a bit bad inside.
 
How does your mum feel towards the guy? You are not the centre of the above image, she is. Give her space and support her decisions.

ags
 
I'm not saying that i'm not happy with it, he does make her happy and i'm all for that
What i'm saying is the guy is starting to make me feel like my dad did and I dont know how to handle that

You both completely misread what I was saying
 
GJ02 said:
I'm not saying that i'm not happy with it, he does make her happy and i'm all for that
What i'm saying is the guy is starting to make me feel like my dad did and I dont know how to handle that

You both completely misread what I was saying
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Just take your time with it, nobody expects you to feel a certain way about him, and you don't need to feel guilty for liking him.
 
I have a similar thing, my mum passed about 3 years ago and my dad has been seeing this women for a year now (she wasn’t a friend but someone he met), she has since moved in and we have met all her family many times and they are really nice and friendly. Its still taking me time to get used to the idea as I still love my mum but I guess in time I will come to terms with it.

The way I see it is that my dad is happy and I would rather him be happy and with someone then sad and alone.
 
GJ02 said:
Has anyone here had a parent die and after a number of years the remaining parent has found another friend ( as my mum tells me )
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Yes.

Mum has a picture of me and my bro and dad right next to her bed in the hospital, obviously it makes her feel better, but for some reason i couldn't help but think what mums friend might think.
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Getting a new "friend" after your long-term partner dies is not like splitting up with someone and moving on. It's quite normal, and expected, to keep photos of them around. My mum has a picture of my dad by the bed, and more pictures around the house, her "friend" has pictures of his wife around.

There's nothing wrong with it. And if her "friend" has a problem with that, he's a bit of a tool, frankly. Leave your nose out of it.

But what i'm experiencing is the same things I did with my dad, dad worked at Airbus too for 35 years, and whenever I went round all we would talk about was work and whats going on etc etc, thats all me and mums friend do really, and its starting to remind me of dad, at the same time i'm warming to the guy and its starting to make me feel a bit bad inside.
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You've nothing to feel bad about, mate.
 
Your Dad will/would understand mate & be happy & relieved you have Both found somebody decent that cares about you.
Chill you have nothing to feel bad about.
 
Maybe your Dad and him were similar types of people, you did say there were friends. I say if he makes your Mum happy, you like him and enjoy him being around; then it's win win. You're not saying he is a replacement and you will always remember your Dad and the times you had are yours and your Dad's.
 
My wife's grandfather did this when his wife died, but it was more for reliability than anything.

However, think of it this way. You and your brother will move on, or already have, your mum is lonely and now has someone to keep her company. Life is far too short to be lonely and unhappy, and your dad wouldn't want your mum to be.

So don't feel guilty for liking him :)
 
AHarvey said:
So don't feel guilty for liking him :)
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This.

I get the feeling that you feel guilty because subconciously you think liking your mum's friend is in some way betraying your dad's memory.

He can't and won't replace your dad and neither you nor your mother should feel at all guilty for liking somone that fills even a tiny bit of the space that your dad left.
 
Everything mr jack said basically.

My mum "got a new friend" 5 years after my dad died. There are still photos of him around the house and in her bedroom but my mum feels comfortable with this new guy and he had no problem when my mum and sister and me talk about dad. If he did have a problem with it he'd be straight out. As far as feeling similar to your dad i guess thats normal seeing as he is friends with your mum and much of your routine, at work, is similar to that with your dad. Personally the way I feel about my mum's new friend is that he is a nice chap who makes my mum the happiest she's been in the last 5 years. He will never be my dad and I will never call him that but aslong as he makes my mum happy then thats cool with me.
 
Mr Jack said:
Yes.



Getting a new "friend" after your long-term partner dies is not like splitting up with someone and moving on. It's quite normal, and expected, to keep photos of them around. My mum has a picture of my dad by the bed, and more pictures around the house, her "friend" has pictures of his wife around.

There's nothing wrong with it. And if her "friend" has a problem with that, he's a bit of a tool, frankly. Leave your nose out of it.



You've nothing to feel bad about, mate.
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am in same situation.... could not really have put it better.

its hard but ultimately its about your mums happiness...

good luck.
 
Thanks for all the advise guys !, really helpful comments
Thankyou ;)

Suppose I will just have to deal with it in my own way, nice guy, I like him, makes mum happy, I'm sure my dad is happy that we are all getting along
 
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