Would you say anything..

TriedandTested

TriedandTested

TriedandTested

Soldato
Joined
11 Jul 2004
Posts
16,147
Location
Neptune
If you thought a friend of yours was making a pretty huge mistake in marrying some dude, would you say anything..or leave them to learn from their own mistakes? Would it be out of order to say something?

Bit of a rebound relationship IMO:
  • Met the guy a few weeks after leaving her ex.
  • Guy is in the forces and is being stationed quite some distance away...this lead to them deciding to get married, and she will be leaving her good job to move away.
  • She didn't speak that highly of him when we were chatting last night - certainly not in the way you'd expect of your new fiance. He sounds like a bit of a ****.
  • All this within the space of about 8 months.

She's a lovely lass and hasn't had the best of relationships in the past. But would you say anything?
 
I'd say something. Not like 'Don't marry this guy, he's a ****', more like 'Are you sure you're happy, big commitment etc.'

If she says yes, then leave her to it.
 
I would say something, yes, especially if she wasn't speaking highly of him as you say. I would expect my friends to do the same to me if they thought it necessary.
 
Years ago I probably would. I leave people be these days now, they're old enough to work things out for themselves.

I didn't realise that soldiers still married off this way. Still, doesn't she collect if he dies? If so that may be why she's doing it.
 
let them make their own choices and live with them, i lost a friend a few years back due to her inability of actually learning from previous mistakes ( loser BF after Loser BF vicious circle etc etc )
 
Some people date for years, get married and divorce within the year. Others get engaged within a month of meeting and the marriage lasts a lifetime. There's no way of knowing one way or another.

One of the managers at work got engaged the week he met his wife. They were playing golf and he promised he'd ask her to marry him if she could get from the tee to the green in one drive. She did, so he did. They've been married about 15 years now.
 
there'd have been a time when i would and i'd still let my feelings be known but they're going to make their own decision anyway. just be there to pick up the pieces.
 
WeOwnTheSky said:
If you thought a friend of yours was making a pretty huge mistake in marrying some dude, would you say anything..or leave them to learn from their own mistakes? Would it be out of order to say something?

Bit of a rebound relationship IMO:
  • Met the guy a few weeks after leaving her ex.
  • Guy is in the forces and is being stationed quite some distance away...this lead to them deciding to get married, and she will be leaving her good job to move away.
  • She didn't speak that highly of him when we were chatting last night - certainly not in the way you'd expect of your new fiance. He sounds like a bit of a ****.
  • All this within the space of about 8 months.

She's a lovely lass and hasn't had the best of relationships in the past. But would you say anything?
Click to expand...

It would really depend upon what information you have that actually leads you to believe he is ... a **** or whatever!

If you haven't got any hard evidence, it's going to be difficult to persuade her to the contrary and if your fears are unfounded, not only would it possibly ruin your friendship with her but it could also set her whole marriage off to a shaky start by implanting the idea that he is a whotsit when you have no actual evidence to support your view.

You could have course broach the subject through very subtle discussion to see if she's thought the whole thing through but at the end of the day, she's presumably an adult and in the end it will be her choice and people have got to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them at some point in their lives.
The one thing you can do is tell her that you'll always be there as a friend for her if she ever needs help!
 
Interesting mix of responses. Not easy.

No, I'm not in love with her...she's a good mate and has had some genuinely bad experiences in the past with ex's. I can just see this has real potential of being another one.

I think perhaps a passing 'are you sure about this' could be the best route, if at all.
 
lttlejoe said:
It would really depend upon what information you have that actually leads you to believe he is ... a **** or whatever!

If you haven't got any hard evidence, it's going to be difficult to persuade her to the contrary and if your fears are unfounded, not only would it possibly ruin your friendship with her but it could also set her whole marriage off to a shaky start by implanting the idea that he is a whotsit when you have no actual evidence to support your view.

You could have course broach the subject through very subtle discussion to see if she's thought the whole thing through but at the end of the day, she's presumably an adult and in the end it will be her choice and people have got to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them at some point in their lives.
The one thing you can do is tell her that you'll always be there as a friend for her if she ever needs help!
Click to expand...

I'm going off what she was telling me yesterday. I just found it quite sad that within a few moments of talking about him/the marriage to me she was telling me things that didn't put him in a good light at all. Not usually something you hear from couples that have just got engaged. They're usually buzzing, exited about their partner and future.

I'll see her again soon and I'm sure it'll all come up in conversation. I don't want to question her judgement or cause offence, but it seems like she already has some doubts about what she's doing.

I think sometimes friends can be too supportive of everything you do and fail to voice their concerns about things. I can imagine all her girly friends are very excited for her to be getting married again, and I'm just sat here thinking 'WTF are you doing'!
 
Last edited:
maccapacca said:
Stay out of it if you value your friendship
Click to expand...

this. You're obviously good friends with her seeing as you care this much, but if you do say something you could end what seems like a good friendship. I wouldn't risk it.

EDIT: Just make sure you're there for her should things go wrong.
 
If you value your friendship, the I WOULD say something. If you care about this person, and value them as a friend then you have an almost duty to say something. If they choose to continue, then that's fine. But to let them make what could be a huge mistake is to abandon them at a moment of need, essentially.

Be prepared to lose your friendship, but if it really means that much to you, you won't let them walk into a bad situation without saying something.

It should be noted that my friends know me as the kind of person who would say something if I felt it was wrong and as such are prepared for it. You would have to approach it carefully so not as to push her away from you.

I suppose you really have to ask yourself a couple of questions:

a) Is your friendship only worth what you get out of it, or are you willing to risk it so that she will be happy?
b) Would you want your friend to be silent as they watch you walk into a mistake?
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom