Soldato
- Joined
- 3 Aug 2010
- Posts
- 2,689
Hi everyone,
I don't usually post about 'serious' issues but sometimes I think it helps to get advice from people who are impartial and removed from the situation, wondering if anyone has any advice about what I should do.
If you can't be bothered to read, skip to the end for a synopsis:
My mum and my grandma (her mum) have always had a bit of a niggly relationship. My mum and her dad were VERY close and she was always a daddy's girl, until my granddad died 4 years ago.
Since then my mum has been left helping out my grandma who is 85 (actually, it's her birthday today, happy birthday nan).
My grandma is definitely NOT easy to get on with. She has always been a very unreasonable, irrational person, who flies off the handle at the slightest thing and NEVER forgets anything. She can hold a grudge about anything.
A couple of examples:
My uncle (Mum's brother) married a woman that my grandma didn't get on with. So she totally cut off my uncle, and hasn't seen him or his two children for 15 years (apart from the day of my granddad's funeral). To this day she bitches about my uncle's wife. She made it very difficult for my granddad, who refused to be part of her silly feud, and continued to see my uncle and his children.
Another example - My grandma was friends with a woman called Muriel since they were teenagers. My granddad (who was Polish) was really good friends with Muriel's husband Andrew (also Polish). About 12 years ago, Andrew was in hospital. My granddad was driving along and saw Muriel waiting at the bus stop on a Sunday in the rain, she'd been to see Andrew in hospital but had missed the bus. The next one wasn't due for another 40 mins with it being a Sunday, so my granddad gave her a lift home.
As a result, my grandma was late for her Sunday night Bingo. A big deal? It was for Mrs. Irrational. She blew everything totally out of proportion, accusing my granddad of having an affair with her, and hasn't spoken to Muriel since. This is her best friend of over 50 years.
This is the way my grandma has always been and my poor granddad never got a minute's peace. She would frequently tell him to ****** off back to Poland and stay there, and he used to come to our house a lot to get away from her a bit.
Since he died in 2007, like I say Mum has been helping her out. She lives in quite an isolated spot, not many buses run etc, so she's needed help going to the supermarket and things. She and Mum often have rows and Mum has come back close to tears at times. She comes to Mum's house on Christmas Day and always ruins it by the end of the afternoon.
Last week my Mum did come back in tears. They'd had another row (apparently Nan was in a foul mood because the person she needed to speak to at the doctor's surgery was on the other line so she had to speak to someone else
)
She started slagging off my granddad, saying that they were never happy, and she wished that she'd divorced him, and my mum (daddy's girl remember) snapped. She said she wished that they had divorced, and that he had gone back to Poland, and told Nan that she'd told him to go. My grandma gave her back a load of abuse and finished it off by saying that she wished she'd never had kids.
Mum dropped her off outside her house, told her to get out of the car, and hasn't been back since. She said she's taken 4 years of abuse from her and can't take it any longer, and that she's done with her.
Now, to the point of my post (after the very long background, sorry about that):
My grandma when she's by herself with me is always sweetness and light. I was her first grandchild and spent a lot of time with her and my granddad when growing up, and she's always been lovely. I know how nasty a person she is though, because I've seen it so much. I can honestly say I don't really like the woman. But I wonder whether I should take over from Mum by helping her out.
I know that Mum doesn't want anything else to do with her, but would never ask me to take sides. She wouldn't be mad with me if I did decide to help her out.
I don't know whether I want to put myself in the firing line when she wants to vent about something ridiculous and I want to support my mum because she's been really foul to her. But at the end of the day I can't help but come back to the fact that she's a weakening 85 year old who has no real way of getting out without help. She's got plenty of money but is tight as a camel's **** in a sandstorm and wouldn't pay for taxis.
Any advice on what I could do?
Sorry for the epicly long post.
1. Grandma (85) foul lady, very unreasonable, irrational, holds a grudge FOREVER.
2. Granddad died 4 years ago, Mum been helping her out (supermarket etc).
3. Grandma always nasty to Mum, told Mum last week she wished she'd never had kids, Mum can't handle her anymore.
4. Do I offer myself to help her out, putting myself in the firing line for her vitriol, or do I support Mum and stay away?
5. Worried I'm leaving an 85 year old, weakening woman to get on with it for herself when she's not really capable.
I don't usually post about 'serious' issues but sometimes I think it helps to get advice from people who are impartial and removed from the situation, wondering if anyone has any advice about what I should do.
If you can't be bothered to read, skip to the end for a synopsis:
My mum and my grandma (her mum) have always had a bit of a niggly relationship. My mum and her dad were VERY close and she was always a daddy's girl, until my granddad died 4 years ago.
Since then my mum has been left helping out my grandma who is 85 (actually, it's her birthday today, happy birthday nan).
My grandma is definitely NOT easy to get on with. She has always been a very unreasonable, irrational person, who flies off the handle at the slightest thing and NEVER forgets anything. She can hold a grudge about anything.
A couple of examples:
My uncle (Mum's brother) married a woman that my grandma didn't get on with. So she totally cut off my uncle, and hasn't seen him or his two children for 15 years (apart from the day of my granddad's funeral). To this day she bitches about my uncle's wife. She made it very difficult for my granddad, who refused to be part of her silly feud, and continued to see my uncle and his children.
Another example - My grandma was friends with a woman called Muriel since they were teenagers. My granddad (who was Polish) was really good friends with Muriel's husband Andrew (also Polish). About 12 years ago, Andrew was in hospital. My granddad was driving along and saw Muriel waiting at the bus stop on a Sunday in the rain, she'd been to see Andrew in hospital but had missed the bus. The next one wasn't due for another 40 mins with it being a Sunday, so my granddad gave her a lift home.
As a result, my grandma was late for her Sunday night Bingo. A big deal? It was for Mrs. Irrational. She blew everything totally out of proportion, accusing my granddad of having an affair with her, and hasn't spoken to Muriel since. This is her best friend of over 50 years.
This is the way my grandma has always been and my poor granddad never got a minute's peace. She would frequently tell him to ****** off back to Poland and stay there, and he used to come to our house a lot to get away from her a bit.
Since he died in 2007, like I say Mum has been helping her out. She lives in quite an isolated spot, not many buses run etc, so she's needed help going to the supermarket and things. She and Mum often have rows and Mum has come back close to tears at times. She comes to Mum's house on Christmas Day and always ruins it by the end of the afternoon.
Last week my Mum did come back in tears. They'd had another row (apparently Nan was in a foul mood because the person she needed to speak to at the doctor's surgery was on the other line so she had to speak to someone else
)She started slagging off my granddad, saying that they were never happy, and she wished that she'd divorced him, and my mum (daddy's girl remember) snapped. She said she wished that they had divorced, and that he had gone back to Poland, and told Nan that she'd told him to go. My grandma gave her back a load of abuse and finished it off by saying that she wished she'd never had kids.
Mum dropped her off outside her house, told her to get out of the car, and hasn't been back since. She said she's taken 4 years of abuse from her and can't take it any longer, and that she's done with her.
Now, to the point of my post (after the very long background, sorry about that):
My grandma when she's by herself with me is always sweetness and light. I was her first grandchild and spent a lot of time with her and my granddad when growing up, and she's always been lovely. I know how nasty a person she is though, because I've seen it so much. I can honestly say I don't really like the woman. But I wonder whether I should take over from Mum by helping her out.
I know that Mum doesn't want anything else to do with her, but would never ask me to take sides. She wouldn't be mad with me if I did decide to help her out.
I don't know whether I want to put myself in the firing line when she wants to vent about something ridiculous and I want to support my mum because she's been really foul to her. But at the end of the day I can't help but come back to the fact that she's a weakening 85 year old who has no real way of getting out without help. She's got plenty of money but is tight as a camel's **** in a sandstorm and wouldn't pay for taxis.
Any advice on what I could do?
Sorry for the epicly long post.
1. Grandma (85) foul lady, very unreasonable, irrational, holds a grudge FOREVER.
2. Granddad died 4 years ago, Mum been helping her out (supermarket etc).
3. Grandma always nasty to Mum, told Mum last week she wished she'd never had kids, Mum can't handle her anymore.
4. Do I offer myself to help her out, putting myself in the firing line for her vitriol, or do I support Mum and stay away?
5. Worried I'm leaving an 85 year old, weakening woman to get on with it for herself when she's not really capable.
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