Anyone fancy reading a script I wrote?

anksta said:
I'm not sure about "stab him or a kid's balloon" though, I think there is a better comparison to be had somewhere, any suggestions on that are welcome.
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I do see what you mean about that line. I'd probably put something like "or prod him a bit", but thats probably why I dont write.
 
Bloomfield said:
I'll have a look at it tomorrow if that's ok? :).
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yeah mate, no email again though, mine's in trust

VirtualAdept said:
I do see what you mean about that line. I'd probably put something like "or prod him a bit", but thats probably why I dont write.
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yeah I think the line's a bit weak, he is thick though so anything too witty or scathing and you're sacrificing the character for the line.

What about "stab him or put up his shelves"?
 
anksta said:
yeah mate, no email again though, mine's in trust



yeah I think the line's a bit weak, he is thick though so anything too witty or scathing and you're sacrificing the character for the line.

What about "stab him or put up his shelves"?
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Winner! Witty enough to be amusing, not so witty it changes your perception of him, I like it.
 
mp3duck said:
Well, it may be grammar, but page 2, you say.


I am guessing this should be "it's"..
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yeah mate, I'm an editor for a living so I really shouldn't be making mistakes like these. Cheers, anything else, you done or just pointing out as you go?

VirtualAdept said:
Winner! Witty enough to be amusing, not so witty it changes your perception of him, I like it.
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Yeah, I don't mind that either, will change that, cheers.

Incidentally, what did you think about the line about carrying 2 knives? I think some people might be put off by that but I think it's hilarious. My mate actually said that while we were talking about dealers.


I should point out, that we actually know these people, they aren't 16/17 anymore but once you get over the fact they say everything like a threat, and don't do all that much with their lives, spending an evening with them is hilarious.

The main one, this guy called Cullen, came out with the genius line (that was in previous drafts), we were talking about winning the lottery and he was talking about what drugs he'd be able to buy if he won, then he went quiet for a minute and you could see it in his eyes he was picturing a mountain of coke and stuff.

And then he just went "if I had a million quid I'd be dead within a week"
 
anksta said:
Incidentally, what did you think about the line about carrying 2 knives? I think some people might be put off by that but I think it's hilarious. My mate actually said that while we were talking about dealers.
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Yeah, I liked that one a lot, it had me chuckling like a loon.
 
VirtualAdept said:
Yeah, I liked that one a lot, it had me chuckling like a loon.
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Thanks very much mate, really appreciated everything you've said tonight.

It makes me shake with nerves when I think about it getting made, I honestly can't tell anymore whether or not I'm not getting my hopes, or I'm just saying I'm not getting them up.

I moved to China for 4 months last year, that was the best thing I've ever done with my life by an embarrassing distance, but if this got made, it would leave that in the dust.

I'm gonna go to bed in about 15 minutes as I've neglected my work today but does anyone else have any more feedback for tonight?

Thank you OCUK, don't think you've ever let me down.
 
Quite enjoyed reading that, there were a few funny moments, but overall you can feel the serious atmosphere. It might just be me, but at times it felt a little too fast-paced (perhaps you were going for something that moved along that way? I'll admit I don't watch much TV, so it might just be that I'm far too used to watching things like Friends, ha!). Other than that though, I agree with what's been said. It has a gritty feel and I really liked that, captures the image I have in my head of the kind of lifestyle these kids lead.

What was weird though is that some of those places are either side of where I live ( :eek: ), but that also made it quite easy to imagine the kind of look I think you were going for with the setting. Overall, I liked it very much. :)
 
JHeaton said:
Quite enjoyed reading that, there were a few funny moments, but overall you can feel the serious atmosphere. It might just be me, but at times it felt a little too fast-paced (perhaps you were going for something that moved along that way? I'll admit I don't watch much TV, so it might just be that I'm far too used to watching things like Friends, ha!). Other than that though, I agree with what's been said. It has a gritty feel and I really liked that, captures the image I have in my head of the kind of lifestyle these kids lead.

What was weird though is that some of those places are either side of where I live ( :eek: ), but that also made it quite easy to imagine the kind of look I think you were going for with the setting. Overall, I liked it very much. :)
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where do you live mate? do you mean Topping Fold and Dickybird, aka the Bury Bronx?

Thanks for the input, yeah we were going for fast paced as the other drafts were very slow, I think we got to the point where had all this in our minds and bits of it were on the page, and then we just removed all the filler.

It's my hope that all the jokes and the exposition relate to the plot rather than just pointless information dumps that knock you off your flow.

I think a lot of the comedy comes from the way it's read, which is what I'm worried about most if I'm honest. If it's read in a way that accepts how these kids live, then it becomes funny.

I'm going to make a risky statement now that's gonna come across as dead arrogant but bear with me because that's not what I mean.

In the Office, that environment is ridiculous, if that was you there's no way you'd put up with it, the monotony, the pointlessness and the annoying people.

But...we've all worked in offices. That's why it's funny, because you have to put up with that, because there are these people that the choice you have is between telling yourself it's only 8 hours a day and being homeless.

Once you have accepted that these situations are the norm, you can begin to laugh, I honestly thought the Office was only alright until i'd worked in one, now I can see the genius of it.

The issue with this is going to be the fact not many people will relate to their situation. That's why it's fast paced I think, to get as much info in about it as possible so you can begin to empathise.

I think it's quite layered, it being impossible for me to read it from scratch I can't tell, but I'd like to think there are parts that come out at the end that seemingly come from nowhere but if you read it again you'd see them mentioned or alluded to earlier on.

In one of the first drafts we had, it was just the 3 of them talking about a party and smoking weed, that was almost it. We were praised for the dialogue by the BBC and another producer for the dialogue but there was no story to it. Then with the draft before this I was worried that we had sacrificed everything for the sake of story.

Now I think it's the best of both. I honestly don't know how arrogant I'm being about it but I can't help but think if this isn't what a comprehensive script should look like, then I don't know what is.

Have I just alienated everyone who was about to say something nice now?
 
Nah, I get what you mean; having lived around here for the past decade, I can also see how that fits in with this scenario as well as The Office (work in one, understand entirely :p ). :)

As for where I live, yeah, in-between those two. Just at the bottom of Ferngrove, to be more precise, so I know the area reasonably well although I tend to steer clear if I can (had a few...'incidents' up not far from here). :)
 
DANNY
Why didn’t answer the door you
*******? Stood there for ages, had
to go round the back.

should that be 'why didn't you'
 
Ive got a good friend that has written a few bits and got commissioned for TV...i can pass it on an give it a read myself if you want and give some feedback.
 
SuperMan said:
DANNY
Why didn’t answer the door you
*******? Stood there for ages, had
to go round the back.

should that be 'why didn't you'
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yeah mate, thanks very much, any other thoughts?

Sayso said:
Ive got a good friend that has written a few bits and got commissioned for TV...i can pass it on an give it a read myself if you want and give some feedback.
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that'll be great mate, will send it on now

JHeaton said:
Nah, I get what you mean; having lived around here for the past decade, I can also see how that fits in with this scenario as well as The Office (work in one, understand entirely :p ). :)

As for where I live, yeah, in-between those two. Just at the bottom of Ferngrove, to be more precise, so I know the area reasonably well although I tend to steer clear if I can (had a few...'incidents' up not far from here). :)
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haha, I used to go to a mate's house after school who lived on Dickybird (I went to St Joey's).

If my dreams come true and it gets made, then I've always seen it as being primarily set on Dickybird, the motorway running through it is so picturesque for something like this.

Incidentally I live just further up, nearer the hospital a safe distance away from the Bronx.

I have another play I've written, although it's not finished, about the hardware shop at the bottom of Fern Grove, you know where they put a BILLION things outside of every morning, all with little price tags, near the house with the dark side of the moon logo over the door.

Right, I'm gonna go to bed, thanks for everything tonight guys. I've sent it to 19 people off here and some other friends, I've heard back from maybe 3 so either 16 people hated it, got bored fast or just haven't got round to it yet.

You can tell me if you hated it, either email me or post in here, will check in the morning.

Night night.
 
anksta said:
If my dreams come true and it gets made, then I've always seen it as being primarily set on Dickybird, the motorway running through it is so picturesque for something like this.
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That would be awesome. :)

anksta said:
I have another play I've written, although it's not finished, about the hardware shop at the bottom of Fern Grove, you know where they put a BILLION things outside of every morning, all with little price tags, near the house with the dark side of the moon logo over the door.
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Haha, yes! I walk past every night when they're bringing it all back in. Lovely people there, they are. I've always thought the house was cool, too. I can't remember if that's where the guy with the motortrike lives, or whether he's next door to that. Pretty cool artwork though. It would be interesting to see what that's like when you finish it, too. :)
 
DANNY
I need to tell him I’m not giving
not him that 50 quid.

second not needs deleting? still just reading through will give thought in a sec
 
I can't comment on the content really, but I enjoyed reading it.

The only actual error I found was at the end of page 26, where Danny says "I need to tell him I'm not giving not him that 50 quid.". Either it's an error or I'm missing something :p

:Edit: Beaten by mere seconds :p
 
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