Anyone fancy reading a script I wrote?

[anksta]

Alright, me and my mate have written a TV pilot script. I think I've asked for feedback before and people have given some good input so I'd appreciate it.

I've already met with the BBC about it, that was the 4th draft and I got some good feedback. This is the 7th draft and is miles better.

We're just getting some fresh eyes on it this week with the plan to send it out by Friday. Anyone wanting to give it a read over I'd be really grateful, pointing out any glaring errors or just telling us if they don't like it.

Either way, I'd be really appreciative of anyone willing to give it a quick read.

Thanks OCUK

 

[anksta]

the email in your trust correct Zefan?

 

[anksta]

I'll be up for that mate, email in trust if ya want another set of eyes

sent mate, cheers

Post it here.

No I can't do that, it's a PDF for one, and 32 pages for another.

If that 32 pages has just put anyone off, script format is nothing like prose. It won't take more than 10 or 15 minutes (if you're in the slow readers group) to read.

 

[anksta]

same here, ill take a read over it for you.

Jon

no email in your trust mate, send one over to mine in the trust and I'll send it on.

Thanks


Any other takers? Not got a limit, and appreciate everything.

Just think, when this DEFINITELY gets made and makes the Office look like 2 Pints of Lager you can say you were in on it.*


**this might not happen

 

[anksta]

I meant to ask, is it urgent you get feedback asap, or will tomorrow be ok? I'm on nights atm, so I'll prolly leave it til things haven't quietened down and all the staff have naffed off home.

no mate, obviously it'd be nice tonight but there's no hurries.

We have a producer looking it over at the minute (he's not going to make it) and he said he'll probably take a few days and it won't be going anywhere until he's put his two penneth in so as long as it's before Tuesday or Wednesday say, that'll be fine.

Thanks again.

 

[anksta]

You mean the play what you wrote?

no mate had you read that before? The one about the hardware shop?

I had a reading of that done the other week, that still wants finishing but I just need this one done and gone first.

Link will do fine.

I'd rather email it to be honest, would you like to read it?

Yup.

Ok mate, will send now

You should speak to Forde, he's pitched a TV programme recently.

Really? Maybe I'll do that then, I've spoken to Forde before, if it's who I think it is anyway.


I've just sent it to my mother who came back immediately telling me she didn't like it, says we've "lost the plot" and previous versions were better.

I'm surprised at how I'm not mad. I don't agree with it and think this one not only makes sense, but it goes somewhere as well, sets up enough to want to read more while answering enough to have an end to an episode.

If anyone else who has read it/wants to read it wants to agree with my mother then go for it, you can even have previous drafts if you really like to see if you can see what she means.

 

[anksta]

Email in trust.

no email, you can send a message but I won't be able to put an attachment in. Send one to mine and I'll forward it on.

Thanks

 

[anksta]

sent mp3duck

bit nervous now, my mum has said all the previous drafts were really good, this one is pretty different but I can't see how it isn't stronger.

 

[anksta]

Ok... I've had a read and found one thing that I have issue with. Towards the end, BRENDA is sat watching JODIE, whereas earlier it'd been TRACY arranging her breakfast. Was that intentional?

Jesus, good job you pointed that out mate. Thanks very much.


1 point for VA, anyone else got a bigger mistake than that?

EDIT: other than that though VA, what did you think? Does it make sense?

I'm fully aware I can't see the wood for the trees or whatever, I know so much more about the characters and the story than is in there but that's sposed to be a good thing, the writer is supposed to be able see all the iceberg. Just whether or not enough is above the water I suppose.

 

[anksta]

If you'd like, I'll take a read through for you.

I'll have a read mate

no emails guys, hit me up with one and I'll send it on.

Thanks

 

[anksta]

ill read it for you

reub15 @ hotmail.com

(should be revising for exam on monday but hey ho)

sent

 

[anksta]

Oooh, points.

TO be completely honest, I wasn't entirely keen since I tend to shy away from drug culture as much as possible BUT after a page or three I found it very gritty so I went back and started again.
I've gotta say, aside from the brenda bit, I really enjoyed it. Some little things had me wondering what more was gonna develop (if ya wanna know what, I'll email it, save influencing others opinions).

It even got a couple of proper hard laughs out of me, at which point it reminded me, style wise of the film "son of rambo", which I thought was excellent.
All in all mate, very good, I'd quite happily sit and read more.

cheers mate, it's a good job you pointed out that Brenda bit. When you send stuff out for people to check, you imagine that it's gonna be like "this bit doesn't work" or whatever, but in actual fact, it's things like that that really matter, that was a proper jarring error, really glad you pointed it out.

As for everything else, yeah man definitely send anything you've got over, be glad to hear anything anyone has to say.

I think my reading of that post mirrored your reading of the script, I was sagging a little when you were saying it wasn't your thing but I'm buzzing now.

You're right about it being gritty, that;s what we're going for. I think given the ages of the characters and the setting we're running the risk people assuming it's either an In Betweeners without the jokes or a Shameless rip off whereas we're going for a completely different look at the same age group and a Shameless that can be called remotely realistic.

I like to think that on the In Betweeners, the characters have all the essentials, housing, food, a family that loves them and are just left with the struggles of getting booze and a shag. Whereas our characters have the opposite, they can get booze, a shag and drugs or whatever, their worries are that their house might not be there when they get home.

I'm starting to ramble.

 

[anksta]

hey anksta... do you know how long email take to arrive via trust? Not got anything yet?

Na mate I sent yours straight on, your email was in the trust, a hotmail one.

 

[anksta]

I must admit the shameless thought did pop into my head, but again thats because I dont go in for anything drug related in terms of entertainment.

But yep, enjoyed it very much, and may I commend you for your use of the term "**** your house down".



Took a little while to get to me mate.

hahahaha, thanks so much mate. We debated that scene for so long, way before we even got there, so much so we were just arguing about it for ages and then he went all quiet and moody because I wouldn't put a setup scene in.

But then when we actually got there it just flew out, especially that line you mentioned, that was the one I was gonna ask about in particular.

I'm not sure about "stab him or a kid's balloon" though, I think there is a better comparison to be had somewhere, any suggestions on that are welcome.

 

[anksta]

ill give it a read if you need more opinions

yeah mate sure. No email in your trust though. Send me one and I'll get it off now.


Anyone else got through it? This lack of replies is making me nervous, you can't all hated it surely?

 

[anksta]

That's strange... don't use a hotmail email address.
Where do I go to check what email is being used?

I received an email via trust last week on my gmail?

dunno mate, think you just click it. Well that'll be why you haven't got it then, do you wanna send me an email and I'll get one off that way?

 

[anksta]

I'll have a look at it tomorrow if that's ok? .

yeah mate, no email again though, mine's in trust

I do see what you mean about that line. I'd probably put something like "or prod him a bit", but thats probably why I dont write.

yeah I think the line's a bit weak, he is thick though so anything too witty or scathing and you're sacrificing the character for the line.

What about "stab him or put up his shelves"?

 

[anksta]

Well, it may be grammar, but page 2, you say.


I am guessing this should be "it's"..

yeah mate, I'm an editor for a living so I really shouldn't be making mistakes like these. Cheers, anything else, you done or just pointing out as you go?

Winner! Witty enough to be amusing, not so witty it changes your perception of him, I like it.

Yeah, I don't mind that either, will change that, cheers.

Incidentally, what did you think about the line about carrying 2 knives? I think some people might be put off by that but I think it's hilarious. My mate actually said that while we were talking about dealers.


I should point out, that we actually know these people, they aren't 16/17 anymore but once you get over the fact they say everything like a threat, and don't do all that much with their lives, spending an evening with them is hilarious.

The main one, this guy called Cullen, came out with the genius line (that was in previous drafts), we were talking about winning the lottery and he was talking about what drugs he'd be able to buy if he won, then he went quiet for a minute and you could see it in his eyes he was picturing a mountain of coke and stuff.

And then he just went "if I had a million quid I'd be dead within a week"

 

[anksta]

Yeah, I liked that one a lot, it had me chuckling like a loon.

Thanks very much mate, really appreciated everything you've said tonight.

It makes me shake with nerves when I think about it getting made, I honestly can't tell anymore whether or not I'm not getting my hopes, or I'm just saying I'm not getting them up.

I moved to China for 4 months last year, that was the best thing I've ever done with my life by an embarrassing distance, but if this got made, it would leave that in the dust.

I'm gonna go to bed in about 15 minutes as I've neglected my work today but does anyone else have any more feedback for tonight?

Thank you OCUK, don't think you've ever let me down.

 

[anksta]

Quite enjoyed reading that, there were a few funny moments, but overall you can feel the serious atmosphere. It might just be me, but at times it felt a little too fast-paced (perhaps you were going for something that moved along that way? I'll admit I don't watch much TV, so it might just be that I'm far too used to watching things like Friends, ha!). Other than that though, I agree with what's been said. It has a gritty feel and I really liked that, captures the image I have in my head of the kind of lifestyle these kids lead.

What was weird though is that some of those places are either side of where I live ( ), but that also made it quite easy to imagine the kind of look I think you were going for with the setting. Overall, I liked it very much.

where do you live mate? do you mean Topping Fold and Dickybird, aka the Bury Bronx?

Thanks for the input, yeah we were going for fast paced as the other drafts were very slow, I think we got to the point where had all this in our minds and bits of it were on the page, and then we just removed all the filler.

It's my hope that all the jokes and the exposition relate to the plot rather than just pointless information dumps that knock you off your flow.

I think a lot of the comedy comes from the way it's read, which is what I'm worried about most if I'm honest. If it's read in a way that accepts how these kids live, then it becomes funny.

I'm going to make a risky statement now that's gonna come across as dead arrogant but bear with me because that's not what I mean.

In the Office, that environment is ridiculous, if that was you there's no way you'd put up with it, the monotony, the pointlessness and the annoying people.

But...we've all worked in offices. That's why it's funny, because you have to put up with that, because there are these people that the choice you have is between telling yourself it's only 8 hours a day and being homeless.

Once you have accepted that these situations are the norm, you can begin to laugh, I honestly thought the Office was only alright until i'd worked in one, now I can see the genius of it.

The issue with this is going to be the fact not many people will relate to their situation. That's why it's fast paced I think, to get as much info in about it as possible so you can begin to empathise.

I think it's quite layered, it being impossible for me to read it from scratch I can't tell, but I'd like to think there are parts that come out at the end that seemingly come from nowhere but if you read it again you'd see them mentioned or alluded to earlier on.

In one of the first drafts we had, it was just the 3 of them talking about a party and smoking weed, that was almost it. We were praised for the dialogue by the BBC and another producer for the dialogue but there was no story to it. Then with the draft before this I was worried that we had sacrificed everything for the sake of story.

Now I think it's the best of both. I honestly don't know how arrogant I'm being about it but I can't help but think if this isn't what a comprehensive script should look like, then I don't know what is.

Have I just alienated everyone who was about to say something nice now?