Am I being a 2 faced douche

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Skeeter

Skeeter

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Don't usually bother with these kinds of posts, but in this case my logical source for advice (my friends) are little use (you will see why).

When I was at school and 6th form I had a small group of close friends. There was a core of 4 of us. All got on really well, saw each other loads, etc. When I was at Uni we all met up loads.

However, 3 years ago one of these close friends got himself a girlfriend none of the rest of us really like (and she didn't like us). Where the main descent came from is irrelevant, but the result was he has pretty much abandoned all his friends, including me and the other 2 from our close group. I have had very little contact with him for 2 years.

Earlier this year one of the other members of our friend group got married, and she invited our ex mate. He didn't RSVP and had to be chased, but he did turn up to the reception (he was only invited to the reception). It was nice to see him and it was good to chat to him, although it did feel like just some guy I knew, rather than a guy who used to be one of my best mates.

Anyway, couple of weeks back, I heard a rumor that he was getting married to his girlfriend. Spoke to some of my other mates about it and pretty much got the opinion that it was only fair to give him a chance, and we would go if we got invited (emphasis on the 'if').

However, he has asked me to be his best man! Thinking that the other 2 of our group (and our partners) would be going, I figured the guy must want us there and want me best man, so its only fair to accept, so I said yes.

However, since then, one friend has decided they wont go as they litterally haven't spoken to him for 2 years, and have had some issues with them recently that peed them off. And the other friend from the group can't make it as they are moving the wedding weekend, but likely weren't going to go anyway.

So basically, I am left not only as the only 1 from our old group that is going, but in a fairly important capacity. Prior to being asked, I was expecting to get a reception invite at most, and was undecided wether I would go.

And since accepting to be best man he has gone back to his old ways of not replying to texts, not speaking to me, and pretty much ignoing me. I even aranged to meet up with him (I have moved and now live 80 miles away) and then while checking he was still free the day before he told me he was working (a contracted shift) so couldn't...

So, end result, I feel like a 2 faced git who is going to be best man at a wedding for a mate I haven't spoken to for 2 years, getting married to a girl I don't like, and also a girl I blame as the reason why we are no longer mates. When I accepted I figured there would be the 4 of us back together again on the guys big day, yet now I am the only one going, and only because I accepted the best man offer.

If I go I will feel like a 2 faced douche, yet if I now don't I will be a massive ****. I mean, what the hell am I gonna put in my speech?
 
You sound like a bunch of girls holding grudges like that.

Grow a pair and be there for your mate. It doesn't matter if he's marrying a girl you don't like, be there for him like he would be for you.

While you're at it, tell the other 2 to man the **** up and stop acting like sissy girls.

:Edit: Or, realise that you don't even like this bloke. That means he's not your friend, so it's not your problem. Your call.

:edit2: Hmm, re-read and realised that there's a chance I may have been a little over the top there :p
 
Thats my dilemma. 3 years ago I would have been his best man in a snap. Yet now, it feels like being best man for a stranger. He had to ask his sister to message my sister on Facebook to get my phone number so he could text me to ask me to be best man. My number hasn't changed since we were at school.

I am seriously considering telling him I have changed my mind, but feel really crap about it. It would put all end to us ever being friends again, but as I haven't spoken to him for so long I've no idea if he's already given up on me, or wants to rebuild a friendship. I could be jumping ship on a guy trying to make amends, or I could end up being best man for someone who has given up on me and only asked me as I was the final option.
 
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Do you think he really actually wants you as his best man, or are you just the only guy he could think of? Is he the sort of person who'd do that?
 
Re: You guys vs The GF (Soon to be wife)

You spend your leisurely time with friends, you spend your entire life with your wife. Being ditched for a gf, especially one who becomes a wife, is expected. Best case scenario, you all hang out together (IE, if you liked each other, which you don't). C'est la vie.

As for being best man etc... I'd just be happy for him and do whatever he wants. No point in doing anything else. Try and rope one of the other two guys in just so it is less awkward. Ask them to do it for you. Neither of them couldn't spare a few hours (even the guy moving, presuming he has all weekend).

Best of luck.

p.s. It's sad he hasn't found any friends to replace you in two years. You should consider the fact he chose you as best man 'despite' the gap in your friendship. Best man isn't a mandatory position. It could also easily be a family member.
 
Zefan said:
Do you think he really actually wants you as his best man, or are you just the only guy he could think of? Is he the sort of person who'd do that?
Click to expand...

Potentially yes, although I've no idea if he has an extensive network of friends he has built up over the last 2 years or not.

Guy who is moving is moving to Germany, flights booked, etc, so not like he can just find a couple of hours.
 
I'd say no, you're not, but none of us can really answer - you're the one who's been friends with these people for years. If you can't pull yourselves back together then nobody can.

If his fiance turns out to be a 'nice doggy' you can always just be epic mates and make sure the wedding goes something like this:

 
Bes said:
I'd probably tell him to do one, but that's just me :)
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Its getting that way.

When it was "do you wanna be my best man", "good to see you again" and "come over and we can go out and chat wedding etc" it seemed like all was good.

But since he bailed on meeting up knowing he was working that day and not letting me know untill chasing, and after I had aranged the trip up that weekend around it (and after he told people he was looking forward to seeing me), and then no communication, I'm having second thoughts.
 
TBH if that was me in your position I would politely decline to be best man, would feel very uncomfortable.

However as you have said yes that leaves you in a different position. The fact he hardly replies to any contact suggests he is not much of a friend... however the fact he has asked you when you have had so little contact in 2 years also suggests he has no one else to ask.

Tough call there mate, maybe just tell him you can't.
 
If I decline to be best man, do I still go to the wedding? That would make me a complete ****.

"I wont be your best man, but I will eat your free food"
 
Its like an episode of Eastenders or something.

If I decline to be best man, do I still go to the wedding? That would make me a complete ****.

"I wont be your best man, but I will eat your free food"
Click to expand...

If you say NO now, then hes going to be thinking " Well **** you then" and that will probably be the last you hear from him.
 
stulid said:
Its like an episode of Eastenders or something.
Click to expand...

I know, its tragic. I usually avoid all these kind of threads, but I am starting to seriously stress about it. I mean look at me, I'm awake at 1:46am eagerly awaiting GD's opinion on my situation :)
 
It doesn't look like there's anything there in terms of a friendship. Sounds to me like he's using you to be his best man for whatever reason. Maybe he wants a "traditional wedding" and having a best man is an important part to him on that, but he hasn't got anyone else to ask.

If he's not replying to you trying to contact him, and "forgetting" he has shifts when you've planned to meet up, I'd tell him about it, and refuse to be his best man. You make time for your mates, even if it's a few minutes to let them know why they've been so unreliable.

So yeah, seems suspect to me, I think his intention is to use you when it's convenient to him. Come on, who's the "douche" here? This guy's got no time for you but wants you to be his best man. Kick his arse by dropping out at the last minute. :p
 
some friendships end, especially ones from a young age, accept it.
the fact he is somewhat ignoring you since getting back in touch doesnt look good, decline and tell him you dont feel you are his 'best' man anymore, suggest he asks his dad
 
I don't know... he could just be really busy trying to organise a wedding while working really awkward/time consuming shifts? Okay, not really an 'excuse' not to talk to you, but I'm just trying to look at it from another angle.
 
I'd do the wedding for the sake of loyalty but the stag night will be the main focus.

If your other friends can't make the stag night I'd have to ask wtf is wrong with them and if you were ever friends at all.

If you had a period of time you couldn't be your 'friends' beck and call would you be ostracised also?
 
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