Not knowing where I stand...or what to do next...

[Vidar]

I've posted about my relationship on these forums in the past, as always any genuine advice is appreciated but mostly this is just a way for me to vent my frustrations.

I've been with my girlfriend for over 5 years now and love her very much, we have to kids a boy just about to turn 3 and a daughter who recentley turned 1; I love being a Dad and desperatley want things to work out.

In a nutshell me and my girlfriend have not had an easy time of it with so many external problems affecting the relationship, her relationship issues, me suffering from depression etc etc that it now seems that everything I do is just wrong! In the past few years a lot of things have gone wrong for me and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with it, though it feels as if I have not come to terms with it as quickly as my girlfriend would like and she has lost respect for me as a result; I am now trying to put right all the things I have done wrong but am being made to feel like it is all to little to late.

I had enrolled on a local college course in IT, just as something to do really to show her I was making the effort and must have done something wright as the college moved me up to the BTEC Level 3 ED in IT, at the time she seemed proud and things where getting better, we'd even discussed exactly what was expected of me in regards to doing things around the house and I feel I have stuck to this to the letter...

Out of the blue everything has changed again... She disrespects me in front of our children, friends and family members, goes ballistic over the smallest of things and is generally making it very difficult for me to do assignments. She tells me she hates me, she tells me she wants me to leave etc etc but then everything seems okay again, talking and laughing, doing things for me and I feel happy.... 5 minutes later than that it starts all over again...

The thing that has me most confused is that she swears she cant give me affection when she doesnt feel it, she just can't never has been able too... as I say things seemed to be getting better she even began instigating sex something she hasn't done in a long time... recentley I mentioned this to her she claimed she had done it in order to motivate me to start doing more.... this is something our entire time together she has claimed she can not do and it has stripped me of all my good feeling of how things have been like it was all some dream I'd had

I genuinley love this girl and don't want to end up becomming a weekend Dad, I can't bare to be apart from my kids, but I really feel like I can't put up with all these mixed messages and feelings any longer it's killing me...



What do you guys think? Is it just me like she says it is or is there something else going on? Not to be flippant but I wonder is she unstable, bipolar or something?

Please if anyone can give me some advice I'd really appreciate it!

 

[Cold Fusion]

I think I speak for the majority on here when i say you should be telling her all of this and not us. Although your welcome to post on here for advice about your situation the only way your going to move forward is to talk it through with her and find out why she is treating you like this, especially as there are children involved.

 

[franco_22]

She sounds like a psycho (no offence) but I seem to be in a similar relationship in regards to her "moods" so I would love to hear what people will say to you.

 

[flibbage0]

Maybe your girlfriend is suffering from something if her behaviour is erratic.

Hope not, but it's best to find out.

 

[doofer]

but I wonder is she unstable, bipolar or something?

It's a Female, they are all like this.

 

[Cosimo]

Have you sat down and talked to her about all of this? Maybe she has a problem.

 

[Vidar]

I think I speak for the majority on here when i say you should be telling her all of this and not us. Although your welcome to post on here for advice about your situation the only way your going to move forward is to talk it through with her and find out why she is treating you like this, especially as there are children involved.

I've honestly tried that already; on may ocassions infact, but it always ends up as an arguement or rather me being ranted at, how it's all my fault, how I'm lazy, how I'm being stupid etc and that I make her hate me sometimes that it's because of me that she is the way she is.... but then if that is the case why do things get better and feel good, on the one occassion that I did go to leave was I begged not too because she couldnt stand to be without me....

She just can not or will not look at herself it's like it doesn't even enter her head.... Something is wrong so it's my fault and as a result we don't get anywhere with it.... it ends in me doing my best to appease her, not grovelling but apologising for myself

 

[Danthus]

I think I speak for the majority on here when i say you should be telling her all of this and not us. Although your welcome to post on here for advice about your situation the only way your going to move forward is to talk it through with her and find out why she is treating you like this, especially as there are children involved.

What he said.

On a less serious note, ditch the *****

 

[kokuten]

my ex wife was a nutjob, get out, being a "weekend dad" as you call it isn't bad... i know. i am one, i see my daughter as much as i humanly can, and i am starting to become happier with my own life, yeah its taken a while to do so (nearly 2 years) but i now have my own place, my own space to do things, taking up hobbies etc, things are on the up.

its hard to do especially if you love her, my wife walked out on me but sometimes you have to just step up and deal with the tough decisions life throws at you and then grind the good out of them... you'll be fine mate!!

 

[Vidar]

What he said.

On a less serious note, ditch the *****

I do love her as pathaetic as that maybe, she can be such a kind and loving person, the best person I have ever known except for this!

 

[franco_22]

I've honestly tried that already; on may ocassions infact, but it always ends up as an arguement or rather me being ranted at, how it's all my fault, how I'm lazy, how I'm being stupid etc and that I make her hate me sometimes that it's because of me that she is the way she is.... but then if that is the case why do things get better and feel good, on the one occassion that I did go to leave was I begged not too because she couldnt stand to be without me....

She just can not or will not look at herself it's like it doesn't even enter her head.... Something is wrong so it's my fault and as a result we don't get anywhere with it.... it ends in me doing my best to appease her, not grovelling but apologising for myself

Man I think we might be seeing the same girl. Let me guess:


90% of the time she does most of the damage but it's NEVER her fault and she will never apologise for anything.

She treats you like dirt and tells you she doesn't care about you, you can break up, etc etc, like nothing happens (basically a heartless *****)

She has constant mood swings and any little thing you say causes her to explode like an atomic bomb as if you just killed her mother or something.

You pretty much have to do everything and anything she asks and she might be happy for 10 minutes but as soon as you slip up again it's as if you've never done anything for her and you're a worthless man.


does this sound familiar at all?

 

[Hyburnate]

If its upsetting you, its not fair, tell her you can't be with her but you can't be apart from your kids, you need to do whats best for you.

 

[Andy]

When women get bored in a relationship i think their mind looks for some sort of stimulation which sometimes manifests as emotional outbursts.

Put your trousers back on and start dominating the relationship! Show her who is boss.

 

[Cold Fusion]

I do love her as pathaetic as that maybe, she can be such a kind and loving person, the best person I have ever known except for this!

Its not pathetic at all. Contray to popular opinion your allowed to have feelings.
Have you considered / suggested marriage guidance / counselling to her>?

It does sound as if you both have issues, although your more open and understanding of your own issues, she appears to be the opposite.

 

[Danthus]

I do love her as pathaetic as that maybe, she can be such a kind and loving person, the best person I have ever known except for this!

What about going to Relate?

 

[yer_averagejoe]

I can't offer any decent advice I'm afraid, but to me it sounds like whatever you do, its never enough. She's manipulating you to do more all the time and once she's happy, wants more so starts asking for it.

Of course, you can only put so much into the relationship. She needs to put it back in too. She needs to try harder. Not you.

Catch 22 is that if you stop the effort, it'll always reflect badly on you. But if you put more effort in, she'll forever be squeezing you.

Maybe try and start splitting things more? Go out for dinner, but tell her you're splitting the bill. Do the dishes, but get her to dry them. You cook dinner one night, she cooks the next.

 

[Vidar]

Man I think we might be seeing the same girl. Let me guess:


90% of the time she does most of the damage but it's NEVER her fault and she will never apologise for anything.

She treats you like dirt and tells you she doesn't care about you, you can break up, etc etc, like nothing happens (basically a heartless *****)

She has constant mood swings and any little thing you say causes her to explode like an atomic bomb as if you just killed her mother or something.

You pretty much have to do everything and anything she asks and she might be happy for 10 minutes but as soon as you slip up again it's as if you've never done anything for her and you're a worthless man.


does this sound familiar at all?

Scarily yes it does sound familiar....

Its not pathetic at all. Contray to popular opinion your allowed to have feelings.
Have you considered / suggested marriage guidance / counselling to her>?

It does sound as if you both have issues, although your more open and understanding of your own issues, she appears to be the opposite.

I've suggested it on many occssions, her response is always we can't afford it... which we can't living on benefits... she seems totally unwilling to do anything that may help the relationship

 

[Liampope]

Eh - she's never been able to show you any affection?? It's sad you didn't realise maybe she's not the one for you before you had kids. Best hope now is proper counciling (eg Relate) and if that fails you need to decide if you can handle sticking with a bad relationship purely for you kids, or you need to end it and move on.

 

[Cold Fusion]

What about going to Relate?

This is a good shout considering your financial situation NK_Skinhead

 

[franco_22]

Scarily yes it does sound familiar....



I've suggested it on many occssions, her response is always we can't afford it... which we can't living on benefits... she seems totally unwilling to do anything that may help the relationship

Just get out of it man, trust me, it does sound harsh but you are literally harming yourself by staying on this relationship, that's what I'm doing as well.