*****Official bad joke thread*****

Vampire walks into a vampire bar and orders a mug of hot water. The vampire barman says "But everyone else in here is drinking pints of blood, what do you want water for?" So the vampire reaches into his pocket, pulls out a used tampon and says "Why I'm making tea of course!"
 
A man walks into a bar on a very quiet afternoon to have a drink.

As he takes a seat at the bar, he hears an appealing voice to his right say "Nice shirt, it's perfect for you." He looks around, but can't see anyone else in the bar apart from the bartender, who's in front of him.

Somewhat distracted, he orders a pint of beer brewed by a very small local brewery noted for quality. As the bartender moves away to get the beer, the customer hears the voice again, this time saying that he has excellent taste.

He's looking around, a bit freaked out and still failing to locate the speaker, when the bartender returns with his beer. Seeing this, the bartender gestures to a bowl a few feet along the bar:

"The peanuts are complimentary".
 
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new girlfriends birthday and, as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note….. romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his girlfriends younger sister, he went to Debenhams and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the sales assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and posted it to his sweetheart with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, John.

Ps The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
 
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
 
I never let my children listen to jazz or classical music.

It's full of sax and violins.

---

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.
 
I dialed 999, "What's your emergency?"
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," he paused, "Well what's the problem?"
I said "The fat one's winning!"
 
Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke, it had all the ingredients of a good joke: starving *******, death, tears and suffering, but I didn't understand the punchline... something about £2 a month.
 
A German man goes through customs in France.

Disinterested, the French customs official asks "Occupation?"

To which the German replies "Nein, just visiting this time."
 
The wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started snowing, its beautiful. I should probably let her in soon!
 
A man dropped his scrabble on the road and I said "What's the word on the street then?"

Velcro. What a rip off!

What do you call a man that can't stand, sit or lay down? Neil.
 
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I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how drunk you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."
 
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