Exes who are friends?

LocalNative said:
Love that you did that. Planning a trip this Summer to France and Italy. Really just can't wait to get my mind off of things.
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Go, plan as little as possible and go where to mood takes you. Its a great feeling heading out of your home town not knowing where you'll end up, what you'll see or who you'll meet.

I was fairly lucky as I already had the time booked off work as we were going to find a last minute deal. As it turned out about 3 weeks after we split up I was on my bike heading for 2 weeks of awesome road trip!
I knew someone in Austria who just needed 24 hours notice before I turned up (they didnt even get that as my e-mail didnt send) and I knew I wanted to see the Millau bridge and find some nice mountian roads. That was pretty much my plan.

Im getting goose bumps now just thinking about it :p
 
LocalNative said:
Long story short, ex bf of 4 years left me about 5 months ago.
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Far too soon to be comfortable. Keep your distance.

I have two exes with whom I am good friends, but it's been quite a few years since we were going out.

He knows I'm not really over him yet
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There's your problem. You'll probably need at least another year to get him out of your system (took me about 2.5 years to get over my first gf; I had already bought an engagement ring when she dumped me). Whatever you do, don't try to hang on. He's over it. You won't make progress until you are too.
 
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LocalNative said:
He knows I'm not really over him yet, so I was bound to be a little sad/angry when I found out. At this point, I was just sick and tired of being sad, so I told him I didn't want to speak anymore.

All I wanted from him was to agree so I could get some closure and move on, but instead, he responds with things like, "we're always going to stay mates, and you're always gonna come back", or "I refuse to cut all contact as you mean a lot to me", which is frankly just BS based on how's he's been treating me.

I don't know, I guess I'm just confused and I want to be able to move on, but it's difficult to do when he's sending me all these mixed messages. I'm not exactly too sure why he wants to be mates either, and why he can't just agree to cut contact :(

Maybe I'm just being silly with this whole closure thing, but I don't want to have to think about him calling or texting me when I'm going about my day. It'd just be so much easier to forget him :( Don't really know what to do and the whole situation is a bit sad, but whatever :(:o
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To the parts in bold:

Yes, he certainly knows this and perhaps enjoys that knowledge.

You seem to be giving him the choice, instead of making a statement of your own - you're giving him the power to make a decision that effects you directly, rather than you making that choice for yourself.

Tbh, he sounds like a bit of a dick saying stuff like 'you're always gonna come back' and you know the next bit is BS, at least from the point of how you feel about all of it (and that's the only point that matters here).

I don't think you're really all that confused at all, you just haven't made the step to affirm your own rational thinking to be done with it. Coming out of any longish relationship, one of the hardest things to do is to choose to let go of how you feel, even if the other person has ****** you over, your emotions still hang on, clouding your reason.

Don't let your emotions warp your judgement - you have to be a little bit ruthless with yourself, and that sometimes takes a lot of strength. But it will serve you better in the long run.

Don't ask questions or offer choices... make statements (or demands, if you feel bold enough ;) ).
 
It is possible to be friends with exes but it does take time. If you think you will be better off cutting all contact then you are most likely correct. It will be difficult bit worth it in the I long run.

One of my exes got married 2 years ago and I went to the wedding as well as her husbands stag do. We were good friends before and after we were seeing eachother and our split was amicable. I still talk to some of my other exes but it is never easy for the first 6-12 months sometimes longer.

Long story short, cut all contact and dont worry it gets easier!

/Salsa
 
Your ex enjoys the attention without giving two hoots about how you feel.

Stop giving it to him, please.

Then fall for the first ocuk member who invites you out for a nice meal, who would like to talk, also drinking alcohol slowly.
 
jumpy said:
To the parts in bold:

Yes, he certainly knows this and perhaps enjoys that knowledge.

You seem to be giving him the choice, instead of making a statement of your own - you're giving him the power to make a decision that effects you directly, rather than you making that choice for yourself.

Tbh, he sounds like a bit of a dick saying stuff like 'you're always gonna come back' and you know the next bit is BS, at least from the point of how you feel about all of it (and that's the only point that matters here).

I don't think you're really all that confused at all, you just haven't made the step to affirm your own rational thinking to be done with it. Coming out of any longish relationship, one of the hardest things to do is to choose to let go of how you feel, even if the other person has ****** you over, your emotions still hang on, clouding your reason.

Don't let your emotions warp your judgement - you have to be a little bit ruthless with yourself, and that sometimes takes a lot of strength. But it will serve you better in the long run.

Don't ask questions or offer choices... make statements (or demands, if you feel bold enough ;) ).
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I think the main reason as to why I was still sticking around and not leaving for good, was because when I told him I wanted to end everything, he'd tell me I had still meant a lot to him. It really gave me hope that we'd get back together eventually :(
 
It doesn't matter how or why you've found yourself where you are, what matters is how you're going to deal with it. You have the answer: cut contact.

As for never getting over exes thing Kaffe, that's complete fanciful rubbish. Why will you be thinking of your ex 30 years from now? Today will feel like a lifetime ago and your ex for all intents and purposes will not exist anymore, it's just a memory that will haunt you for as long as you allow it. Let that **** go. Stop yearning for what's lost and start rebuilding instead.

No more needs to be said. Cut contact, move on.
 
As for never getting over exes thing Kaffe, that's complete fanciful rubbish.
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Oh I dont know, dont we all have a special someone we still regret breaking up with? Not talking about overwhelming dispair, just, you know.... a touch of that does you good in future relationships, it helps you value things that you have in the present.
 
You're not yearning for that person though are you? You're yearning for the ghost that was, a specific moment in time. People change, don't forget that. This romantic notion of true love or that love conquers all is complete hocum. Love is nothing more than the pair-bonding process in humans.
 
Dont know what that has to do with 'never getting over someone' tbh. Just because you never got over something good doesn't mean one would want it again in the present anyway.

I think you need to view 'love' as having many faces too, romantic love as you are describing is just one of them. Plus, love can tear people apart, not just bring them together as pair-bonding :P
 
My point is, if people are yearning for a specific person at a specific point in time, they're being self-defeating. If it's the moment and not the person they miss, then where is the issue in letting go? If it is the person as opposed to the moment, they need to readdress how they approach the topic. I believe people can have profound impact on us, but I don't believe that love lasts forever. It's an association that only lasts for as long as we allow it to. There is simply no point in yearning over what might have been. People need to put it in a safe place and move on.
 
You're missing the point that you dont have to still be yearning for someone even tho you have not gotton over them.

It's not always healthy to 'just let go' of things that meant a great deal to you either, some things we hold onto because it makes us who we are, in a good way.
 
OP, do yourself a favour and watch 'Swingers'.

Rob: You don't look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don't have. Those guys are right about you - you're money.

Mike: Then why won't she call?

Rob: She won't call because you left. she's got her own life to deal with, man, and that's in New York... alright? And she's a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but **** her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the **** that didn't kill us is only - you know, all that ****. You're gonna get over it.

Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?

Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda weird, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.

Mike: You miss the pain?

Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her... because you lived with it for so long.
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You'll laugh and you'll probably cry a bit too but at the end you will feel awesome. That goes for the film as well as your situation :)
 
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I am joking btw :D
 
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LocalNative said:
I've tried bringing up the cutting all contact method, but he absolutely refuses.
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'Cutting all contact' is not something you have to both agree on :confused: Just do it. I tried the 'being friends' with my first girlfriend after we broke up and it didn't work so I cut off all contact and it was a lot easier to forget about her.

IMO ex's can't be friends.
 
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