Leaving an emotional abuser

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Vidar

Vidar

Vidar

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I know there is a relationship advice thread but I don't really think this applies and I need a direct perspective, I'm sure the trolls will enjoy having a go over this one but I honestly have no where else to come for this...

As I'm sure some of you have read in the past I have been in a relationship with a very difficult woman for the past 6-7 years have been advised to leave her several times before, tried too once or twice, but have always felt obliged to keep trying for the sake of the children, our son Jake aged 3 and our daughter Scarlet aged 18 months...

Now it may have been obvious to you all but it has only been recently that my relationship goes far beyond being conflictive but downright abusive, I questioned it after reading an article about domestic emotional abuse on a pamphlet some of the points naturally sounded alarm bells so I googled it and read around 20 different pages on the subject and even more alarm bells rang.... everything from recommending I do something to better myself, hence why I'm at college, too making it almost impossible to do, why I'm struggling at college, even the totally different personalities when outside and when in the home, even the underlying issues of her being the victim of emotional abuse as a child all ring true and that they indirectly use that as an excuse for their behaviour.....

I get it now... she doesn't love me, she likes the control of me and I need to get out! I'm sick of second guessing myself and I am going to get out but I don't know how to handle it when factoring the kids, I have no money to my name, very few friends I can turn to, and no family to fall back on, I'm at a total loss!

please if anyone has any advice or has been in this situation please help me!
 
if you are at college, try speaking to the students union, they should be able to provide some support and point you in the direction of more.

leaving will be really hard, but it will ne worth it in the long run.
 
I've not noticed you say anything that makes me think it's the case.

I'm going to be a bit of a dick here, and play Devil's Advocate. Are you sure it's her? Are you sure she's not just fed up with you being a manchild and feels she needs to tolerate you for the sake of the kids? I can think of at least 3 failed relationships which involved the guy dropping out of work to go to college/university from working life, and in all 3 cases he ended up coming across as a lazy deadbeat.

I'm not saying it's the case.. but are you sure it's her?
 
The thought of leaving my kids is tearing me up inside they are what I live for!!! And I can feel it my bones that she is going to make it difficult for me to spend time with them
 
The Halk said:
I'm not saying it's the case.. but are you sure it's her?
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I've done a lot of soul searching and have taken the blame for everything over the past 6 years, apologised for being me, trying to be what she wants me to be and failing to meet her standards at every turn.... Before I met her I was healthy and happy had plans on joining the army, had a job that suited my needs at the time, regularly exercised and had a close circle of friends I could count on....

Two years in I was breaking my back to make ends meet because she wanted a certain lifestyle... namely living in a posh flat we could ill afford with her not working and only getting buttons from the university she was studying at, I ended up with severe depression and contemplating suicide!

Sure I made some big mistakes at that point over finances but I was mentally ill and I continue to pay for those mistakes 4 years on, brought up every time we fight etc, she has actively stopped me from getting back to work by making more and more obstacles and then chastising me for not being a real man.....

Take today for example, she forgot her bank card so being the dutiful mug that I am I took a day off from college to travel the 1hr 45 minute bus journey to get it too her so she could have lunch and she was lovely, the women I fell in love with in front of her friends, and when meeting her with the kids this evening being outside again the lovely person I fell for, I told her then as I'd told her that afternoon tonight I have to do coursework or I'm going to fail, not once did she say anything bad but offered me support....


When we got in doors everything changed again, I was insulted in front of my kids, called lazy, selfish and inconsiderate that she had work to do as well and that I was causing her to fail, and then after putting our son to bed stayed up there got undressed and went to sleep with out any word (Another thing emotional abusers often do it seems) despite the fact she was meant to be going for and cooking dinner which we had agreed only an hour before
 
It does seem from that, that you should leave her. I can't really tell if it's both of you or just her, it does sound like it's her...

As for leaving her... if you were to do so would you be in a position where you were worse off than you are now? Have you considered telling her that it's over, and you will move out eventually but for the sake of the kids and both of your finances you'll stay with her until then? Again I've seen failed relationships where he moves out, and ends up getting no more freedom at all, because every coin he earns goes to her to support the kids, while she keeps him away from the kids, and poisons their minds.
 
Financially I'm screwed if I leave her and she knows it, back on job seekers I go as we currently exist on her NHS student bursary, I am not able to stay here any longer as the abuse I take daily is causing me to have suicidal thoughts again and it's a dark place I was fortunate enough to get out of last time!
 
Be tactful. Get your financial affairs in order, stop this college nonsense in your current situation.
Leave her when you are in a position to do so. Never walk away from a relationship in a weaker position - especially with kids involved.
 
Whats the straight up on this....

how old are you?
had a job before? got work skills?
how much input are you putting into the household?
^^ same for kids?
 
Vidar said:
As I'm sure some of you have read in the past I have been in a relationship with a very difficult woman for the past 6-7 years have been advised to leave her several times before, tried too once or twice, but have always felt obliged to keep trying for the sake of the children, our son Jake aged 3 and our daughter Scarlet aged 18 months...
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Why did you have kids?
 
Pish said:
Whats the straight up on this....

how old are you?
had a job before? got work skills?
how much input are you putting into the household?
^^ same for kids?
Click to expand...

28 years old

Been constantly in employment from leaving college at age 17 up until after meeting her as mentioned above, in fact it his how I have met her.... 7 years of that experience working security and as a doorman and the rest in various other jobs with no future such as a bookies, call centres and offices of varying descriptions....

How much input I put into the house and the kids lets see a typical day is I'm up every morning at 5:30 am with the kids to get them fed, watered and showered and dressed, usually hoovering up and doing breakfast dishes before leaving at 8 am (This is on top of waking her up, ironing her clothes, making her lunch) depending on whether I'm in college am or pm varies but most are half days so lets go with the am college day, so I drop the kids off at nursery for 8:30am, just enough time to get to college, get home at around 12pm make some dinner, do the dishes, hoover and mop again generally clean and tidy, try to some coursework or relax a little bit, go for the kids at 5:30 home for around 6:15pm feed and water kids, get them changed and bed time story for at the latest 8:00pm, cook dinner, eat dinner wash dishes and walk dog, do some more hoovering and general cleaning, try to unwind and get to bed for 11pm usually to wired to sleep so get to bed around 2am to start it all over again


only thing I never do is laundry, because I'm told not too! sure I am not perfect there are days when certain jobs get overlooked such as cleaning the toilet in fact a lot of the time things that she wants doing or needs doing in general get over looked and I never here the end of it

When she gets in she normally watches corrie etc and sits on facebook, maybe does some laundry or the dishes and constantly bitches and moans about how lazy, useless and inconsiderate I am, how I'm causing her to fail university etc etc.... when I told her the other day I wasn't going to put up with her abuse anymore and reemed off what she would normally say she went to hit me with the hoover! stopped herself and stormed off
 
Oxy said:
Why did you have kids?
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Neither was really planned but at the time I was deeply in love and believed she loved me, I thought if I could give her the things she had lacked as a kid etc then she would be able to get over her issues etc.... but mainly because I loved her and still do despite her hatred towards me!
 
The Halk said:
I'm still concerned... you've been with her for 7 years you say, and you're at college yet you have no income?
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due to the way the nhs student bursary works I'm classed as a dependant adult so get an allowance alongside the kids for being so.... but because they class it as a low income I am exempt from course fee's etc as though I'm still on job seekers, the bursary also pays for 85% of the day care fee's for both children....
 
The Halk said:
I'm not saying it's the case.. but are you sure it's her?
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Because a statement like that is going to do the OP a world of favours. People in abusive relationships spend their lives wondering 'is it me'. He's read up on emotional abuse, something - as with most forms of abuse - usually attributed to men.

It's a bit like the boiled frog - you can be totally unaware of what is going on around you but it will get you in the end. Sadly - you can be aware the whole time but strength and low self esteem play their part - preventing the abused from doing anything about it. Some of you may never feel extreme lack of self worth.

Emotional abuse is a terrible thing, some might argue it's worse than physical - not only is it pretty much undetectable, but the effects will last much longer.

Are you married OP? In terms of the kids - if you're named and informant on the birth certificates I can assure you now you're in a better position than you realise. The hardest part for you is going to be walking out that door.

You only have one life. Please don't waste it.
 
Domo said:
Because a statement like that is going to do the OP a world of favours. People in abusive relationships spend their lives wondering 'is it me'. He's read up on emotional abuse, something - as with most forms of abuse - usually attributed to men.
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It is going to do him a world of favours. It'll allow him to put his cards on the table and we can give him an opinion on it.

In addition to that - how many relationships do you know where one side says "It's all my fault, I make their life a misery, lol". None. In every case both sides feel they are right. I did say I was going to be a dick and ask the question - something you didn't quote, and that I was going to be Devil's Advocate.

Cutting through to the bones of a matter is the way to deal with it. It may not be easy, but it gets there.

The OP is now in a no win position, my opinion is he should end it - at least in his own mind - and leave when he's financially able. He needs to decide how and when he leaves.
 
Vidar said:
due to the way the nhs student bursary works I'm classed as a dependant adult so get an allowance alongside the kids for being so.... but because they class it as a low income I am exempt from course fee's etc as though I'm still on job seekers, the bursary also pays for 85% of the day care fee's for both children....
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that bursary sounds good...

well as long as your not studying performing art then it sounds like your doing a fair share with the kids, good job btw.

same for housework

money in this world is king, so if your not bringing in any/much you can always be caught on that. when will you be earning money again?

if your doing the romance thing or at least trying in the dept then you covered your bases at least...to some respect
 
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