I am in the exact same situation. My partner has boarderline personality disorder and by the sound of it, the OP's partner has as well.
I have read all your posts and it does sound very much like the same condition. I try to explain it as being simply that there is a bad dr Jekel side to them that usually only comes to the surface under extreme stress OR when they feel safe, loved and know how the person they "abuse" will react.
I have my own coping mechanisms but i very much doubt that they would work for someone else or in other situations.
The hardest part of dealing with this disorder as the partner is its so hidden the family and friends simply dont believe you, and the person with the disorder sometimes doesnt even remember what they did or said when it kicks in. If i snore or move too much in bed i get poked in the back and told to get out, its over... die etc etc.... she will not even remember in the morning after a brew and a calm down.
The cleaning thing really rung a bell with me. My partner does the exact same thing... will get up at silly o clock and start banging about, hoovering the bedroom with light on etc and if i move or say anything its barny time and she says the exact same things!
The going to bed without a word happens too.... she can be fine one minute, even playing kinky games and i take dog out, lock up come to bed and its suddenly containing the ice queen of Hoth... and im told to sleep on the couch ( i dont mind its HUGE and more comfy then the bed tbh... and i can snore
)
Her past parners abused her and all of them drank... i dont drink at all or even smoke and im a big softie. We had a lovely night last night, she has a condition called fibromyalgia that causes a lot of pain as well as past injuries from when her ex husband tried to kill her... so she is a frail lady... and i helped her have a nice bath, did her hair and she started crying saying she loves me and shes sorry for the things she does, and that she cant remember what shes done but shes sorry. We cuddled all night and its times like that, that make me glad its me shes with and not some muppet who would smack her about and abuse her.
She has very low self esteem and has been told all her life that shes ugly and stupid. The sad fact is shes very attractive, size 6, gorgeous body/face/hair and shes also got a good brain. She is slowly coming out of the years of abuse she has suffered and after nearly a year together she has come to realise that i will never hit her, call her ugly or get angry. She has slapped me, hit me ( not hard she cant ) and said all sorts... im able to brush it off and be there for her when she calms down and gets upset for hurting me.
It sounds like the OP's partner has the disorder but doesnt know, so doesnt understand whats happening to her emotions/mind. Even when you know WHY it happens its srill scary to deal with, but not knowing why must make life very hard for her to understand.
Try to imagine if you were like that and in YOUR mind it really was only you who is normal and everyone else is doing things wrong or doing things JUST to annoy you. Thats how she feels.... all the time. ( im guessing of course but it certainly sounds like it. )
There is help out there if you ask for it, the hard part is getting her into a doctors and submitting to tests.
Good luck and i feel for you *BIG HAIRY MANHUG*
... u have been a great help so far
, when i know i should stand up for myslef!
