Leaving an emotional abuser

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Sefirosu said:
Men don't get emotionally abused by women.

Man-up.
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hoho! ^ listen to this idiot!

absolutely no idea WTF he's talking about - give yourself a shake you complete pillock :rolleyes:

OP needs to make a move ASAP for health & mind - no-one should have to put up with this. I'm sure it will be hard at first but then with time things will get easier, as they always do

sounds like a horrible, horrible situation to be in - especially with those poor kids being stuck in the middle of it
 
Vidar said:
Likewise I left for two days a few months back and when I came back to get some things she promised me she would change, got the number for Relate, the relationship counsellors and made appointments for us both with the GP, she was prescribed anti depressants as was I,..... things started to slide after a few days she was being her nasty self again, after a few months she stopped taking the anti depressants claiming she wouldn't need them if it was not for me and then never filled the application form in for relate despite having it for almost a year now!
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Does this look familiar to you?
 
You've taken the first steps to a better life, well done :)
I hope that you can find the strength and support (you will need both, lots of support) to continue on the right path and find yourself somewhere much happier in a few years time, yes few years as the aftermath of this will ruin you for quite some time.

Think of yourself, time to be selfish, and think of the children as they want to see happy daddy and want to spend time with happy daddy :)
 
In your very firsty post you said you had very few mates you could turn to. Few doesn't mean none, go crash on a friends sofa for a few days but tell her you need some space and won't be around.

Women can be very vindictive and when kids are involved they hold all the cards and they know it. All I can suggest is recording her outbursts on your phone and become an internet sensation earning millions through youtube ad hits :).
 
The first thing that rang alarm bells when I read the OP was that you are late twenties, with kids, but neither of you actually have a job. I've seen a few couples in this situation and they always seem to be on the edge of a major meltdown.

I think getting a job, even if it's just something on weekends while you finish college, will do your self esteem the world of good. Once you feel better about yourself you can stand up to your partner.
 
Diesel said:
The first thing that rang alarm bells when I read the OP was that you are late twenties, with kids, but neither of you actually have a job. I've seen a few couples in this situation and they always seem to be on the edge of a major meltdown.

I think getting a job, even if it's just something on weekends while you finish college, will do your self esteem the world of good. Once you feel better about yourself you can stand up to your partner.
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He's been at this for 6-7 years now. Tbh standing up to her is not going to help and could just create war, which would be hell for the children.
Self esteem would be good, to help him walk out that door.
 
Ok I'll say it,
Being 24 stone out of work & a door mat is about as attractive to a woman as setting alight to her boobs.
Firstly sort yourself out & start getting yourself fit & getting rid of some of that weight.
Secondly Get yourself some kind of work no matter what it is, You may think you are above working at Tesco but I can tell you you are not.
Thirdly stop being such a wimp & think of how your Son will see you in the future if he watches you being walked over by a woman his whole life, Also what is your Daughter going to end up like following her Mothers example ? Not good a.


Don't mean to be hurtful mate but it's what I actually think.
 
Sefirosu said:
Men don't get emotionally abused by women.

Man-up.
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And you're an expert on that yes? I hope nothing ever happens to you like this, because you'll get a shock of a life time.

OP: I hope things work out for you. It's going to be hard, but by the sounds of it, you'll be better off in the long run. Just seek as much advice and support as you can get.

ie: make a good case if it boils down to it
 
4T5 said:
Ok I'll say it,
Being 24 stone out of work & a door mat is about as attractive to a woman as setting alight to her boobs.
Firstly sort yourself out & start getting yourself fit & getting rid of some of that weight.
Secondly Get yourself some kind of work no matter what it is, You may think you are above working at Tesco but I can tell you you are not.
Thirdly stop being such a wimp & think of how your Son will see you in the future if he watches you being walked over by a woman his whole life, Also what is your Daughter going to end up like following her Mothers example ? Not good a.


Don't mean to be hurtful mate but it's what I actually think.
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I partly agree. However it looks as if the weight issues are the result of his depression, or the hard time he's having with life. As for being out of work he is at college, having given up work to try to better himself - or that's what I've picked up anyway.

He's already tried to turn things around and been unsuccessful, and he thinks it's because she's undermining him and emasculating him at every juncture (my words not his).

He does need to give himself a shake though.
 
Probably all been said before in here, but get yourself out of it. You can still be a great Dad without living with their mother so don't let that stop you.

I came out of a 16 year relationship a few months back and the first few weeks are tough, really tough, particularly the immediate change in lifestyle/normality but that soon eases and you'll be in a much better place.

Really hard decision to make but I'd say do it, I don't think you'd regret it in the longer terms from what has been said.
 
@ The Halk
I know he is at College but he should still get a job, She cannot say owt about him going out the house to work & the work will do him the World of good, Just mixing with new people will help his self esteem a lot, Bringing home a wage will also help to get his Nads back.
As for the weight issue he needs to sort that for Himself & he should start from this minute on, No excuses, We are here for support, You don't need friends if you are on OcUK. :D
 
I have a friend that I think is suffering this type of abuse from his partner but can never get a straight answer from him.

I can't imagine how you guys must be feeling and it just gets messy when children are involved. Thankfully I'm not going through these sorts of problems but I can completely relate to the bit about not being able to read a bedtime story to your kids, really cuts me up thinking about that.

Can I ask a question to the guys that are going through this abuse - what sort of character would you say you are? i.e. quiet, naturally loud, easy going, uptight, optimist, pessimist and also would you say you were different before abuse started?
 
I'm curious, do any of you guys ever get angry at your partners? Like all women, my OH can be a bit emotionally unstable at times. Normally I'm the nice guy, and just let her have ger way, but if she goes to far, I do get angry and put my foot down. The most this has meant so far is shouting her down, and even thats rare, but if I found my pillow at the top of the stairs, I would take it into the bedroom and tell her she can sleep on the sofa if she wants. That one about the vacuuming with the lights on? I would simly cut the cord off the vacuum, take the buld out the light and go back to sleep.

Why am i saying this? well, for years I believed that it was not acceptable for me to get angry at a woman, and I was never respected for it. I never ran across an abuser in that time, but if I did, I'm sure I would have fared badly. I suspect that the op and the sgt are both the type to NOT get angry at their women, which is why they can get away with it.

Oh, one other thing. I have had partners strike me in the past, in the heat of an argument. Hitting back is not acceptable, BUT, taking them to the ground (or the sofa) and pinning them is fine. Once she learns the being violent results in her being physically dominated, she will stop doing it.

I'm sure that people will flame me for what I have said, but I'm talking about the extremes, not every day. hell, not every month even, but rarely, when you need to assert yourself, or for the last statement, when she gets violent. For me at least, the result is this: I am in charge of my relationship. This means that she gets her way 99 times out of 100. But when, on time 100, when she is being unreasonable, I can, and do, have the final say.

So whats my point? Flip your situation. She is in control and abusing her power. Take the power from her. Shout her down, refuse to take her bank card to her, do NOT tolerate violence. If she dosen't like it, tell her she can leave. Once you are in control, ensure you think about both of your needs. Once she dosn't demand her own way anymore, feel free to give in to her sometimes. You should be making her happy. She should not be making herself happy at your expense.
 
Sounds like we need to start an OcUK support group for emotionally abused men!

In something of a similar situation as well, I started writing a blog a couple of months ago, partly to keep a diary, partly just to get it off my chest.

LINK CONTAINS SWEARIES!!

I'd leave her in an instant if it wasn't for our son, but unfortunately, it's no longer that easy :(

Vidar - have a look at this: BPD/NPD Quiz
 
Linkex said:
Politely snipped
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I don't get angry with women but I don't take any ****, I don't stand for abuse or emotional blackmail, The nicer I am treated the nicer I will treat that person. If they are horrible to me I just point to the door or if not at home I just leave/walk off.
Being an old Dude you have to trust me when I say you cannot waste a single second on horrible disrespectful people, Life & time is far to precious to waste on somebody who is not worthy. :)
 
4T5 said:
I don't get angry with women but I don't take any ****, I don't stand for abuse or emotional blackmail, The nicer I am treated the nicer I will treat that person. If they are horrible to me I just point to the door or if not at home I just leave/walk off.
Being an old Dude you have to trust me when I say you cannot waste a single second on horrible disrespectful people, Life & time is far to precious to waste on somebody who is not worthy. :)
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Unfortunately it's not that simple when there are kids involved :(
 
Haggisman said:
Unfortunately it's not that simple when there are kids involved :(
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Another defeatist attitude.

So hanging around and providing a negative role model is a better solution? Im sure the children being brought up seeing Daddy get treated like a doormat is going to do wonders in the long term! ....
 
Haggisman said:
Unfortunately it's not that simple when there are kids involved :(
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I have a Daughter & a Grandson. When I left my Daughters Mum I had a step daughter in her teens & a step son just getting into double figures & my Daughter was six & a half.
Your children want to see you Both happy not torturing each other.

I should add that I am still in contact with my Step kids over 20 years later & my Daughter loves me. :D
 
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