Thursday joke

A woman walks into a bar and sits down.
The man sitting next to her asks her, "Do you want some magic beer?"
She asks him "What's so magic about it?"
The man replied "Watch." He takes a sip flies out the door and flies back in.
The woman says, "OMG! That is amazing!"
She chugs it then goes to the roof, jumps off, and falls to her death.
The barman looks at the man and says, "Clark, you're an ***hole when you have been drinking".
 
I rang 999 cause 2 girls were fighting over me.the operator asked "what is the emergency?"i said "the bloody fat one is winning".

There is no need to worry about Kate being admitted to hospital, it's just a normal routine royal procedure. The baby is having a silver spoon inserted into its arse.

I treated my family to a day out to a safari park the other day, and I decided to bite the bullet and go through 'Monkeyland', assuming the car would be fine. Typical luck though, one of the little ******* stole a windscreen wiper, hubcap and my front numberplate!
Anyway, we got through the rest of Wolverhampton with no problems, got to the safari park and had a good day.

I've brought the wife a fridge for christmas,can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it...

Abu Quatada is to replace Roberto Mancini as the new Man City boss as he knows a thing or two about staying in Europe.
 
I'm buying the wife a new belt & bag for Xmas, hopefully she will then be able to Hoover without moaning


"Dave drowned.So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well it`s what he would have wanted.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from Diarrhoea. Does that mean that one enjoys it.
 
Clov!s said:
I treated my family to a day out to a safari park the other day, and I decided to bite the bullet and go through 'Monkeyland', assuming the car would be fine. Typical luck though, one of the little ******* stole a windscreen wiper, hubcap and my front numberplate!
Anyway, we got through the rest of Wolverhampton with no problems, got to the safari park and had a good day.
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I like to race snails in my spare time, and recently purchased a new one. It was clear after the first race though that it was really slow.

I've tried everything to make it faster. I removed the shell, but it just made it more sluggish.


Edit: snails at a rave would be pretty good though.
 
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Did you hear the invisible man married a mirror named Doreen?

I don't know what he sees in her...



(yes I made that one up myself ladies & gents)
 
platypus said:
What do you do with a thousand used condoms?

Melt then down, make a tyre and call them a good year.
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Wrong!

You make a skirt!

7XMNn.jpg
 
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