Civ 5 Giveaway

ShiversDan

ShiversDan

ShiversDan

Associate
Joined
2 Dec 2007
Posts
432
Location
Leeds
Got a copy of civ 5 to give! whoever tells me funniest joke by 12pm tmrw gets it!

IRLeetly is the winner...can i get your steam ID please.
 
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Did you know I'm dating a dental hygienist?

She has the cleanest teeth I've ever come across.

P.S. Not in it to win it. You can pick me if you want but if you do I'll do a RNG and pick a winner that way.
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 999. "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
 
An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman have been going through the selection process to become MI5 agents. All 3 had reached the final test, and they were each led into separate rooms for their final task. Upon entering their respective rooms, each candidate was greeted by an adorable little puppy tied to a chair, the examiner handed them each a gun, told them to kill the puppy and closed the doors behind them.

Within seconds the Englishman emerged "I...I cant do it."

About a minute passes and the Scotsman emerges, tears in his eyes "I cannae do it."

Several more minutes pass before the Irishman emerges, out of breath and sweating. "You didn't tell me the gun was empty, I had to beat the wee bugger to death with the chair!"
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her
husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not
all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Welshman go to a bar... to meet Paddy Irishman.

Just made that up. :(
 
A man goes to his opticians for an examination. They start talking as the optician is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the optician casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The man replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The optician says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
 
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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of her coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
 
Long, but worth the read!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night
celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'…
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off… He falls flat on his face.
He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks
his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside… He
takes a look up the stairs and says 'No Way.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He staggers up and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was ****ed. But how did you know?'
'Mick phoned…… You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
 
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A man runs into the living room, and excitedly tells his wife,
"Go and look at the **** I just did in the bathroom. It's a good two-pounder!"
The wife replies, "Oh for goodness' sake, no! That's horrible!".
The mans pleads for a moment, and eventually the wife gives up, and makes her way to the bathroom.
She peers into the toilet, then exclaims, "There's nothing there! You must have flushed it!"
He replies, "It's on the scales."
 
Paddy and Mick are airline pilots.
On approach to an airport, Paddy says to Mick "Right, Mick. This airport has one of the shortest runways in the world. The second we touch down, I'll hit the brakes, you slam the engines to full reverse.".
"OK Paddy.", replied Mick.
As the plane touched down on the tarmac, Paddy slammed the brakes on, and Mick reversed the engines. They stopped with inches to spare at the end of the runway.
A few seconds of relieved silence pass, then Paddy says:
"Well that was close. What a stupidly short runway."
"Ah," said Mick, "It is that, but just look at the width..."
 
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