How well do you receive a random gift from somone?

Things change I've changed

Things change I've changed

Things change I've changed

Soldato
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In the spirit of understanding people a little bit more..

I like to buy a random gift for a friend or even colleague now and again, it could be a bottle of wine I think someone may like, a book, even maybe chip in towards an item someone may want (provided they have legitimate reasons for lack of funds), but I find that not a lot of people are comfortable with accepting gifts in this fashion, one person I know in particular if I buy her a gift (we are pretty good friends), she always buys me one back very soon after, that bugs the hell out of me as I know it's done more out of obligation rather than spontaneity.

Another example, a waitress from our other restaurant across the road from us was telling how she always wanted to try our food, we're not allowed to give it away free to staff from our other restaurant which is fine, so I bought her a small take-away just so she could try some of the food we do, she was very uncomfortable with this and forced me to accept payment from her for the take-away, It made me feel like she thought I expected something from her which I genuinely didn't, not a friendship, not nothing.

Why is it so hard for some people to accept gifts outside of the celebratory norms?

I will state that I am told I'm on the 'autistic spectrum' with mild asperger traits so I'm not sure if that adds to my lack of understanding with regards this topic and/or my behavior.
 
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You should make it clear it's just a gift you are not trying to buy their affection.
I can understand why a lot of women are not comfortable with accepting gifts from men.

You could say you try to do one good dead each week as your a big believer of karma and it's just a gift to show your friendship and nothing more.


one of my ex's used to have a male friend that always bought her cakes because he clearly fancied her.
another of her male friends used to come round every few weeks with a bottle of vodka , whisky etc when it was just the two of them probably hoping she would get drunk enough to have sex with him..... (but she has morals and is not that type of dirty slapper so it never happened)

oddly enough when I hooked up with her it all stopped so they were clearly after something....
 
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To be honest, I would probably find it a bit weird unless it was from someone I was close to, or there was a specific reason for it, and I'd be wondering what you were after.
 
I'm only really inclined to do it for people who are a). close to me in some way and b). I know won't make it awkward. For example, I bought my boss a book the other week and it was cool. I gifted a friend a game on Steam because I wanted him to play it and get what I was raving about.

Not sure I'd do it for women outside of my old uni housemates or a significant other as it would likely be awkward and create an unintended dynamic.
 
Because most acts of exchange are based in reciprocity or family/love ties.

If neither seem immediately obvious in these cases the social circumstance known as 'awkwardness' rears it's ugly head.

I'm not saying it's right, but it's natural to wonder why - when in the world very few people will give something to an individual without some kind of motivation behind it.

Walk up-to a random stranger & try to give them a £5 note - I bet many many people would say.... "Nah... thanks...." concerned it was a ruse.

Theophany said:
Not sure I'd do it for women outside of my old uni housemates or a significant other as it would likely be awkward and create an unintended dynamic.
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Exactly, while you may be fine with it personally (or may not be) it's how you expect the act to be interpreted which prevents people doing it.

If it was very common I doubt people would react suspicious in the way they do.

arknor said:
one of my ex's used to have a male friend that always bought her cakes because he clearly fancied her.
another of her male friends used to come round every few weeks with a bottle of vodka , whisky etc when it was just the two of them probably hoping she would get drunk enough to have sex with him..... (but she has morals and is not that type of dirty slapper so it never happened)

oddly enough when I hooked up with her it all stopped so they were clearly after something....
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Lol, saw loads of guys try that kind of stunt at college.., it's a bit pathetic really - pretending to be friends with a girl on the hopes of getting laid..., "self friend-zoning"!
 
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In life we run into many, many manipulative people. Sometimes the manipulations (or attempts at manipulation) are subtle, other times not so much. The end result of being manipulated is rarely good, and so we develop a natural (healthy?) skepticism of random and unexpected gifts / compliments / offers etc.

In an ideal world we would be able to take such things at face value, but life teaches us that such naivety generally leads to bad consequences. Skepticism and discomfort in these situations are a natural social defense mechanism.

If you're giving gifts to strangers and/or people that you don't know well then it's natural that you will run into such a defense mechanism. You really should factor it in before you give people something that will make them feel uncomfortable and/or question your motives. YOU see yourself doing something kind for them - THEY ask themselves "what in the hell is this guy trying to get me to do?". Close friends are a different kettle of fish entirely - once they know you well enough to understand your intentions then the need for skeptical discomfort disappears.
 
OP is a perv.

because in reality no one does anything without expecting to gain favor on some level. There is always a motive.
 
Interesting stuff elmarko & Duff-Man, part of me likes to do it to show people that you can give a gift without an obligation attached to it in the hope that it may positively influence their view on people as a whole in terms of other peoples intentions, I think receiving a gift well is as important as giving, I think it helps us trust people more, so many people seem rooted in uncertainty about peoples intentions, I like to try dissolve that uncertainly a little by way of gifting the odd item to people or helping someone out if they are short on change etc, thus hopefully showing them they truly owe the helper/gifter nothing.

But I suppose in reality it's a little bit more complicated, I do tend to take things at face value and I expect others to do the same, I guess it's natural to feel defensive I suppose, perhaps an in built safety mechanism to be 'wary of those baring gifts', I wonder if this is something taught by society or how far back this goes, would the prehistoric caveman be cautious of receiving food as a gift?, thinking about it I guess anything that came from outside their tribe/group would be deemed as a threat.

Efour said:
OP is a perv.

because in reality no one does anything without expecting to gain favor on some level. There is always a motive.
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Well that depends how technical you want to get, for example my motive for the waitress in my op was for her to taste our food, although I have a feeling you mean more than that, maybe something more manipulative or insidious
 
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People find it weird because socially not something you do...

The only thing I will do is buy drinks for friends now and again or share what I take out. I expect the same from my friends every also - as it shows you are a friend and not a tight wad. E.g. Just been on a stag do, have had many drinks bought for me but also bought 2 or 3 rounds (of 12 drinks)

If say I had a good haircut or good service I will tip - but it would be super weird for me to take say, a bottle of wine to my hairdresser!
 
It does sound a little strange to me.

With respect, a lot of the things you post about on these forums I find a bit strange. You seem like a person with a lot of fundamental problems and that probably comes across subconsciously to the people you are giving these gifts to, even if the intentions are good. Some people are more perceptive to this than others. Maybe there are underlying intentions or feelings that you are not fully aware of yourself (even if it's just something nice like wanting to make friends).

Most people buy each other a bottle of wine or food with the intention of sharing a meal or a drink together, so that type of gift may not be appropriate if that's not what your intention is.
 
To be honest, I probably fall into the category of feeling awkward. I would feel obliged to return the favour as it is the usual thing to do.

I think it is just one of those social conventions where you must give something back as a "thank you".
 
1. stop buying gifts for people
2. ?????
3. Profit!!
4. Feel better and less awkwardness
5. More profit!!!


or

1. Buy gift for someone and give it
2. Receive reciprocation gift
3. Pass this new gift onto someone else
4. Go to step 2
 
Zefan said:
So you wanted her to taste your food. Why?
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Because she wanted to try some, I had some spare cash in my pocket so why not, spur of the moment, it feels good I suppose to give someone what they want.

Guest2 said:
but it would be super weird for me to take say, a bottle of wine to my hairdresser!
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umm, really?, where the hell do you people learn this stuff? how do you know it's not the right thing to do? I find it hard to understand social mores, I'm just straight with people, 'it is what it is', I find it hard to understand why other people read into stuff so much.

Is there book out there to teach people these social customs as I'm in the process of improving my life and I'd like to practice interacting with people better to see what the outcome would be like, maybe it's something I'd like.
 
lowrider007 said:
part of me likes to do it to show people that you can give a gift without an obligation attached to it in the hope that it may positively influence their view on people as a whole in terms of other peoples intentions, I think receiving a gift well is as important as giving, I think it helps us trust people more, so many people seem rooted in uncertainty about peoples intentions, I like to try dissolve that uncertainly a little by way of gifting the odd item to people or helping someone out if they are short on change etc, thus hopefully showing them they truly owe the helper/gifter nothing.
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Interesting thread!

The quoted text is where you're going wrong. I can guarantee that no-one you give a gift to, absolutely no-one will think what you want them to.

That's a little narrative that's in your head but doesn't translate through in reality, as has already been pointed out many times, the natural (though it may seem unfair) reaction of people is to think "what do they want?".

It's just the way it is and unfortunately it will come across as a little strange even through it's close to an altruistic act.
 
lowrider007 said:
bugs the hell out of me as I know it's done more out of obligation rather than spontaneity
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+1

I have the same problem too

sometimes i see something and really think that is perfect for someone i know so i get it for them - but they feel too awkward to accept it

i didnt buy it for you to tie you into any social obligation, i bought it for you because i saw it and thought youd like it - end of story - say thank you and thats it! :)

the worst is when others get offended because you didnt buy them gifts too :rolleyes:
 
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