Grammar Nazi required for friend.

Fuzz

Fuzz

Fuzz

Soldato
Joined
3 Aug 2003
Posts
15,921
Location
UK
A friend of mine is about to start running these through the printer but has asked for some "proof reading" before it goes to press!!

Any tips from the OcUK GD Massive.

The full stop after locally has already been mentioned
and I've picked up on Int. should be Int'l and a comma after Size.

Anything you lot fancy chipping in on, even up to redesigning it?

Obviously I've had to remove personal details, not only for her privacy from you lot :D but also to make sure no rules about advertising businesses on here are broken.


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Why is Assisted, Part and Full livery capitalised? Also that sentence is clusmy. The "with great hills for hacking" shouldn't really be followed with more list items.

You've bascially got two lists. Which is the root of the problem. Never mind the grammar.
 
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I'd have rewritten this like a boss. Sadly, I'm off the clock and not in front of a PC. :(

What's 'hacking'?
 
Logo is very good, but it should be top RHS,
It distracts from the "New Livery Yard Now Open" which should have been the first thing to spot.
New Livery Yard now open in Cirencester sounds better

As mentioned, two lists is bad.
First one should be a spaced sentence, not centre justified (it looks awful)

Overuse of capitalisation
Now offering assisted, DIY, Part and Full Livery sounds better to me
You then change the order of this in the 2nd list?

Describe the Yard and the countryside first
then describe the potential, you are mixing the two.

Then cover what you are offering in the second list

I'd assume water was provided tbh
I'd call it a '25m Lunging ring' myself, 25x25 is a daft way of saying it is circular.

Experienced staff on site 24hrs

That typeface is meh, and the yellow background?

The picture of the dressage area is awful, it looks like the beach at Skegness after the wind has trashed all the deckchairs.
Get a jumping rider in there and get close up to her. Get some fit totty in the background.

Contact Jenny for more details sounds better

Don't refer to yourself as SC-LY, sounds like a strain of bird flu

Those tear off sections - pre-tear off a bunch on every leaflet, makes it looks like people are interested.


fix it up and we'll have another look
hth :)

Do I get a free hack for me and a friend? :)
 
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Not necessarily all grammar, and all just my opinions, but here are my thoughts:

  • The comma between 'Full livery services' and 'we are surrounded...' doesn't really work. Either make them separate sentences or use a semicolon if you're that way inclined.
  • As already pointed out there are lots of excess capital letters.
  • 25x25 - what's the measurement here? Metres? Feet? Furlongs?!
  • I would change Lorry/trailer parking to Lorry and trailer parking.
  • 1st class reads better to me as First class.
  • Why the comma after 1st class care and attention as well?
  • Full/Part/Hunt/Comp/DIY doesn't work either as they're describing different things. Full and part are describing the level of supportedness and the rest are the type of options available.
 
Agree with most of the above. In particular, the first paragraph is hard to read because the line spacing is too small and the centre alignment doesn't work particularly well.

I would lose the black/yellow colour scheme entirely. You're talking about an enjoyable, outdoorsy leisure pursuit, and a flyer which is mostly black just doesn't seem to match those ideas. It's also going to look much worse on paper than on a computer screen, and could be difficult to read.
 
Cheers for all the input so far guys, she messaged me earlier to say wow, amazing, thanks etc.. We'll see where she takes it from here.
 
Summerhouse Cottage Livery Yard is a small, private yard. Surrounded by acres of rolling land and within hacking distance of Cirencester Park, Summerhouse Cottage is in the perfect location for on and off road hacking and fitness training.

We offer the following services and features:
- DIY, assisted, part, and full livery
- A BE accredited XE course
- Large boxes in an American-style barn with rubber matting and water feeders
- International size all-weather dressage arena with show jumps
- 25x25 [25x25 what? metres? miles? inches?] lunging arena
- Individual and group grazing options with water feeders
- 24 hour on-site staff
- Lorry and trailer parking

With quick links to the M4 and M5, Summerhouse Cottage is an ideal base for you and your horse.
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The others will be able to advise on layout better than me, but I can tell you that the copy could be incredible, and if it's laid out like that people may well not read it.

White background, black text, a couple of nice photos would make it far more appealing in my opinion.
 
^JP^ said:
Oi Fuzz mate, stop playing with horsey people and get the karting video sorted :p
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Dropbox is going to get dropkicked if it doesn't start playing ball with my Contour vids.
It has decided upon itself to lose at least half the footage from one of the uploads.
Haven't had chance to work out why the hell it's doing it yet. All rear cams stuff is online though.. (I'll put the link back up in the thread)
 
Russinating said:
Forget the grammar, that's AWFUL. Why on earth does it have a black background if he's planning on printing it?

You caught me on a bored moment so here's my 10 min job: http://i.imgbox.com/adoTfexH.jpg. Feel free to trust me the details if you want to use it.
Click to expand...

Hey Russ, could she use that image please, not had any response from your trust about it after sending her contact details.
(She asked me about it again today on FB)

Cheers me dears
 
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