Is my life over?

Pestilence said:
It's already been said, OP, but you need to take control of your life back because right now you've completely lost it.

You're allowing everyone around you but yourself to declare what you can and can't do, and taking these restrictions as "just life". But it isn't. First off, get yourself a damned job. If that means you can't see your kids so often then so be it -- but without one, you're going nowhere. That's step one, and I'll tell you why it's step one:

Are you saying you can't get a job because the only time she lets you see your kids is during the working day? You know... when she has to be out working/studying? If that's the case, then you know what you are to her -- a free babysitter. She knows you'll take it lying down, which you currently are, and you're being made to feel like exactly the worn rug you've taken the role of. Your response to her right now should be that you want the kids every other weekend, as you need to get into work and get yourself sorted out.

That's also a sacrifice on your part, as you won't see them as often as you'd like. But you know what? Once you're earning and back on stable ground you can move to get more access. It doesn't happen at once, and you aren't abandoning them. Children understand more than you may give them credit for.

Now, if she doesn't like it, you simply admonish that the children live with her, she decided that that's where they should be for now (while you disagree) and she can sort out child care during the week. If she needs evening help then fine, but for now you need to find regular employment, which the current schedule disallows. If she has a problem with that, then you can bring in Social Services. See how much she likes that idea.

All of this is the foundation for improvement. Lay down the law, get a job, get the money together, get a better place. All the while your solicitor will be working in the background with regards to your custody case. Do you think a court is going to agree that the children should be placed in your care in a run-down bedsit? No chance.

This takes sacrifice on your part... but the good news is, it's mostly sacrificing the **** that you seem to have taken on your own shoulders because of her. Forget her, she no longer matters. This is YOU. Of course you will also have to sacrifice some time with your kids, but that matter is a long-term resolution, not quickly. They'll come back to you. How much better would be if they came back to you in a stable home, a nice rented property, and little stress?

Much better than now, I'd wager.
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Whilst I can't even imagine what it must be like to be in the OP's position, this seems like some very solid advice for those facing such issues.
 
Malevolence said:
Cook some bacon. Bacon always helps.
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If he's upset, he's best sticking to takeaways, less chance of things going wrong and end up blaming himself for it. Been there :rolleyes:


OP: As others have said, your kids will always be there, they may be angry with you at first because they could fall under the illusion you didn't support them and other ******** your ex feeds them. But trust me, things will work out and they'll see you for who you really are.

I recommend you get yourself sorted, it will be better in the long run. When you're feeling better about life it'll be a better home environment for you and your kids.
 
Get some real help. Samaritans etc a good starting point. You can turn it around. You have started already by realising she is no good for you.
 
Read Anthony Robbins, awaken the giant within.

It's a book that changed my life. Start watching his youtube seminars too, but you MUST apply the advice given or its totally useless...

You will slowly find your way out I PROMISE you.
 
JonJ678 said:
Either there's ******** all the way through your story or you are having a damned good shot at ruining your own life and need to sort your priorities out. Selling the computer would seem a sensible starting point.
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For the amount he'd get for it and the cost of getting something atleast reasonable to replace it hes not going to make much money from doing so and getting rid of it entirely would just make a miseable situation even more despressing.

That said, CPU aside, while those specs aren't stupidly high spec but I do have a hard time reconciling the expense of some of those components with his story - I can't see the girl if shes the controlling of his finances letting him spend £500 odd on a CPU alone.

EDIT: Looks like its fairly recent build judging by previous posts, still a mountain of debt and buying that spec still doesn't make much sense.
 
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I'm not going to lie, I got hella bored reading that. End of the day though, you don't like it, change it. You're the only one that can do that, no one else can, ever.

Grab your own life by the balls and make a stand ffs.
 
Rroff said:
For the amount he'd get for it and the cost of getting something atleast reasonable to replace it hes not going to make much money from doing so and getting rid of it entirely would just make a miseable situation even more despressing.

That said, CPU aside, while those specs aren't stupidly high spec but I do have a hard time reconciling the expense of some of those components with his story - I can't see the girl if shes the controlling of his finances letting him spend £500 odd on a CPU alone.

EDIT: Looks like its fairly recent build judging by previous posts, still a mountain of debt and buying that spec still doesn't make much sense.
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Actually the ex claimed to have come into a shed load of cash last year, I was told £15,000 but was actually more like £5,000, one of the things she did best was to blow hot and cold on a daily basis... On a good day she gave me £2000 to build myself a computer, after many days of I want you to build a PC and No you can **** off I hate you, as id sold my previous machine to pay the council tax bill and had sold everything but my Dads signet ring to pay off other things.... everything I owned of value bar that!

She had promised to pay off all of the debts so I spent the money on the components people suggested with that budget.... but where it had been a carrot to get me to be a good boy it soon became the stick which was used to beat me with.... She actually did hit me over the head with the keyboard at one point......

As I arranged to pay debts off, she cut the money off.... well blew the money on clothes and other things, I tried to sell the computer but was stopped.... so the debts didn't get paid, again... When I left on the night the police where called out they told me to take everything that was mine so that I didn't have to come back so other than the few clothes I had, my dads ring the only thing I took was this computer.... I left everything else I had any claim to there for the kids...

I looked at selling it a while ago but the drop in value couldn't justify it and it is the only decent thing I own!
 
Vidar said:
Actually the ex claimed to have come into a shed load of cash last year, I was told £15,000 but was actually more like £5,000, one of the things she did best was to blow hot and cold on a daily basis... On a good day she gave me £2000 to build myself a computer, after many days of I want you to build a PC and No you can **** off I hate you, as id sold my previous machine to pay the council tax bill and had sold everything but my Dads signet ring to pay off other things.... everything I owned of value bar that!

She had promised to pay off all of the debts so I spent the money on the components people suggested with that budget.... but where it had been a carrot to get me to be a good boy it soon became the stick which was used to beat me with.... She actually did hit me over the head with the keyboard at one point......

As I arranged to pay debts off, she cut the money off.... well blew the money on clothes and other things, I tried to sell the computer but was stopped.... so the debts didn't get paid, again... When I left on the night the police where called out they told me to take everything that was mine so that I didn't have to come back so other than the few clothes I had, my dads ring the only thing I took was this computer.... I left everything else I had any claim to there for the kids...

I looked at selling it a while ago but the drop in value couldn't justify it and it is the only decent thing I own!
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how about you pull your balls out of her purse? seriously man the heck up! thats what you need to do.. a WOMAN is messing around with you like that? stand up for your self ffs..
 
The whole situation was totally messed up, logically looking at it.... not a lot of it does make sense...

Just to clear up though, she stopped my access to the children, period, from January up until the very end of April... The courts decided that because of the long gap in seeing them I had to have contact but the only thing she would agree to was Tuesdays and Thursdays 4 - 6pm and a Saturday 11 - 6pm....

My job as a charity fundraiser, which I was quite proud of all things considered, worked from 3:30pm till 9pm... Monday to Saturday.... and I had to stay full time to keep the job.... She knew the hours I worked and was none negotiable.... Work then forced me out as a result as the court and my barrister insisted that I keep to this arrangement....

I was told by the last court date I could get better contact arranged.... Weekend overnight stays, the ex then decided to spin a pack of lies about me being violent towards her, I never have and never will hit a woman, I'm 6ft 8 and well built... the judge said he found it hard to believe but it needed investigating (this despite evidence being provided to the court regarding the injuries she has caused me) and so I've now got to wait until the end of August once social services have completed their investigation and all the police and medical reports have been brought in.
 
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Vidar said:
I looked at selling it a while ago but the drop in value couldn't justify it and it is the only decent thing I own!
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Not trying to argue the toss here, but what drop in value to you? :confused:

If she came into the money and gave it to you to buy a PC with, then the PC was "free" to you, therefore any money for the sold parts is money in your pocket?
 
-westy- said:
Not trying to argue the toss here, but what drop in value to you? :confused:

If she came into the money and gave it to you to buy a PC with, then the PC was "free" to you, therefore any money for the sold parts is money in your pocket?
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Probably comes back to my earlier comment, by the time its sold at the prices you'd get for that stuff 2nd hand and some of it spent to build another cheaper PC there wouldn't be a huge amount left over.
 
It sounds to me like you are constantly making excuses not to do things, probably due to fear of failing.

You need to man up and take control of your life.
 
tbh i can see how this can happen

if, you are like me, and have a pretty low opinion of yourself and you think said girl is the best you are going to get/love her/invest time/not to mention the kids.. you can find yourself doing some pretty stupid things..or thats how it appears from the outside, to you .. its hard to describe.. you just want things to work.. you think 'oh, maybe they will come round' and 'things will get better'

and it does seem an OTT thing to have in a spec, but if its the only thing keeping you happy then so be it. selling it is only going to give a one off benifit. use it to improve your employ-ability!

it does annoy me when people say.. man up .. etc, not everyone is the same.

one things for sure, you are better out than in, realising that must be a big step. You just need to realise things have taken a step for the better.. living with nothing is better than what you had.

She was holding you back, no you have time, a good PC that you can use to better yourself.. you have the time.. it sounds harsh.. but in the long run it would be better to see the kids less and better yourself and come back with a better job, stability, healthier personality

i know what its like to have a 'stroppy' partner.. nothing like you have mind.. but when you love them.. or even just believe you do.. its hard. Did you love them or did you fear the loss of the time spent with them or maybe the fear of never getting someone better as you put them on a pedastal?

Get out.. make yourself.. you can only really repress depression.. i managed by literally saying to myself.. do i really want to spend the rest of my life miserable? and.. if i dont sort htis out no one will. Its an odd thing to say but i am glad i went through a BAD time with depression.. it made me appreciate life and how not to waste it

so i started going to the gym etc (didnt go out much lol, but then i like buying things :p) it worked out well

i just hope im not falling into a life like yours (minus the violence and extreme stuff)..ive spent thousands recently on making my partner happy.. or trying to
 
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Rroff said:
Probably comes back to my earlier comment, by the time its sold at the prices you'd get for that stuff 2nd hand and some of it spent to build another cheaper PC there wouldn't be a huge amount left over.
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Well, I understand that, but there's plenty of value there still which could fund plenty of travel to see his kids or take them out for the day etc.

I could survive perfectly well on a simple laptop (mine cost £275, is still an i5, 4GB ram etc..).

But then I suppose on the flipside, if its used for gaming then that's effectively "free", which could be a method of relaxation for him.
 
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