Losing contact with mates who have girlfriends/wives/kids

We had exactly the opposite experience. We were the first amongst our friends to have a child and we were pretty much immediately excluded from "going out" invitiations from our single friends.
 
I see most of my close friends pretty regularly through football or going to the pub. Getting them all together at the same time can be tough though.

One, however, dropped off the radar in about 2005/6 when he got his first girlfriend and it went from seeing him multiple times a week to seeing him about a dozen times since.
 
There is a trick to this that helps out a load. You have to casually put the idea accross that she doesnt see her mates much anymore. Encourage her to take classes in yoga/poledancing/knitting/whatever and so now her time is taken up you're free to do the things that you want to do. Then she's amazed that you're so supportive and you get the best of both worlds!
 
It's due to work mainly and children having early bedtimes and up all night teething.

I have a 15 month old. I really am missing my friends and would love to see them more.

Last time I saw them properly I went out for one of their birthdays paintballing during the day; they then proceeded to go out for the night, which I couldn't do.

This was back on July 17th, haven't really seen them properly since. Know why? They're all drinkers and 9 til 5'ers. 5pm we're eating tea, 6pm i'm bathing the baby, 7pm i'm putting the baby to sleep.

She is teething like crazy and I'm self employed running a business, it's hard enough to get through the day on 5 hours sleep let alone 2 while still being half cut.

What happens if you deviate from the child's routine? Overtiredness sets in and you have even less sleep. What if my partner puts her to bed you say? Endless cries for Dad.

It's been tried, it really has. At the end of the day certain things I can join in with and certain things I can't. I haven't changed as a person, i'd love to have a night out clubbing, it's just not something I can do anymore (lay in bed with a hangover).

I think peoples' perceptions of having kids and how demanding they can be is underestimated by people without them. I think mistakenly people without kids see friends with kids as dropping off the radar by choice. I would have thought the same. At the end of the day, they'll all go through it too at some point and most likely ask for advice and realise why things are as they are.

edit: also it should be noted what time I posted this. Typical time to come in from a night out is around 2am.
 
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Solus said:
Last time I saw them properly I went out for one of their birthdays paintballing during the day; they then proceeded to go out for the night, which I couldn't do.

What happens if you deviate from the child's routine? Overtiredness sets in and you have even less sleep. What if my partner puts her to bed you say? Endless cries for Dad.

It's been tried, it really has. At the end of the day certain things I can join in with and certain things I can't. I haven't changed as a person, i'd love to have a night out clubbing, it's just not something I can do anymore (lay in bed with a hangover).

I think peoples' perceptions of having kids and how demanding they can be is underestimated by people without them. I think mistakenly people without kids see friends with kids as dropping off the radar by choice. I would have thought the same. At the end of the day, they'll all go through it too at some point and most likely ask for advice and realise why things are as they are.
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If you always put your kid to bed you could still be doing it when your child is 30. At some point that routine will get broken and the kid will cry.... then it will be less normal for your to put the kid to bed, and it becomes fine, thats life. Parents get a bit overly upset and kids crying, get into too familiar a routine then find their kid can't cope with any change. Is that a good thing, what if work takes you on a trip somewhere, what if you're in the hospital... maybe the answer is never getting that comfortable in a routine that the kid isn't that overly sensitive to change. Parents build these unbreakable routines as if they can be carried out indefinitely.

Meh that is just my opinion, but don't get so ultra set in such a routine to start with and you end up more free so to speak in the long term and your kids end up being more flexible, less dependent and probably better in the long term.


Anyway as for the op, no one seems to have suggested, maybe just because you like this friend a lot doesn't mean your other mate likes him as much. Over the years there have been a few people in particular but loads to some degree, of friends of friends who I've put up with rather than genuinely liked. You have say a group of 4-5 best friends and they have a couple friends also in the group that you all but hate or at least don't really like... you put up with them. Just because the OP would choose this friend's 30th doesn't mean your friend even really likes the guy. His other mate's house party may actually be one of his closest friends and missing that would be a much bigger deal to him.


Someone in the thread mentioned their single friends excluding them, while I've certainly known some guys who are more than fine on a night out after having kids, you also get the overly clingy parents... who outnumber the former by a factor of about 10,000,000 to 1. They come out and tell you about their kid's potty training, imitate how the kid said "daaaadaaaaa" today and it's pretty much his first word and generaly drone on and on about utterly mundane stuff that no one except the parents of a specific child gives the slightest crap about. Who will phone home every 30 mins and will keep reminding everyone how important it is he gets home early, how important having kids is, how their life is now forfilled and your life is utterly worthless and you can't possibly know what it's all about till you have a kid yourself.

Parents mostly become almost instantly unbearable to be around because most parents become almost entirely focused on their kids to the point they are literally not the same people, can't talk about anything but their kids and insist on treating everyone without kids like "they just don't get it".
 
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EVH said:
It's difficult to balance work-life-mates, especially if you have children and live with a long term partner or wife.

I know I struggle to see my friends because of family commitments, but it doesn't mean I don't want to. The hard part is keeping everyone happy!
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This! Just keeping on top of the list of things that my little one needs takes a great deal of time. Let alone sorting out the house and keeping the mrs happy.
 
drunkenmaster said:
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Agree 100% - The parents who insist on telling friends that they are leading meaningless lives without kids and "don't get it" makes me rage. Half the time I wonder if they're just trying to justify their lack of sleep and the intense pressure their relationship is under. :p

Not everyone wants the same out of life, and kids are definitely NOT for everyone. I know for a fact I'd be an absolutely awful parent for a handful of reasons so with the exception of my niece (who I love to bits), I'd rather avoid anything to do with nippers,and just enjoy a peaceful life, thanks! :p
 
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drunkenmaster said:
Nonparents mostly become almost instantly unbearable to be around because most nonparents become almost entirely focused on their superficial and nonsensical interests to the point they are literally not the same people, can't talk about anything but their interests and insist on treating everyone who doesn't share those interests like "they just don't get it".
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Just playing devil's advocate but it runs both ways.
 
I think this isn't a black and white issue. I think that some people do switch off from friends for no good reason when they are in a relationship, then the minute they arent, then they're on the phone seeing if you can come out for a beer etc. I can think of one friend of mine in particular that has done this.

On the other hand there are people that grow up and have commitments - simple as. I don't have kids and don't intend to for at least 4 or 5 years :eek: but me and my fiancee find extremely hard 'pleasing everyone.' We have a very healthy relationship and we are both super supportive of each other going out and spending time with our friends, but its very hard to juggle everything. Non-proper facebook type friends aside, say the average person has 10 close friends that they would regularly see if they could. In a relationship that therefore becomes 20. Further to that 20 you have to make time to see both sets of parents and family. To top that off you both work full time and have a household to maintain....There's only 7 days in a week... It can take several months to set a date to catch up with your full list of friends sometimes...its just life for some people I'm afraid.

Originally Posted by MisChief
My friends are like that... But their boyfriends/husbands.

"Sorry I can't go out next Thursday, it's date night with <insert husbands name>!"... Err yeah. You're married and live together with no kids.... Surely there's plenty of other opportunities for 'date night'
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My fiancee does shift work which makes it particularly hard for us sometimes. Between everything I explained in my above paragraph we only usually get about 1 or 2 days/nights of proper quality time or opportunities to have a night out together. Maybe you are right and your friends have no excuse, but be careful not to judge them too quickly. :)
 
Solus said:
It's due to work mainly and children having early bedtimes and up all night teething.

I have a 15 month old. I really am missing my friends and would love to see them more.

Last time I saw them properly I went out for one of their birthdays paintballing during the day; they then proceeded to go out for the night, which I couldn't do.

This was back on July 17th, haven't really seen them properly since. Know why? They're all drinkers and 9 til 5'ers. 5pm we're eating tea, 6pm i'm bathing the baby, 7pm i'm putting the baby to sleep.

She is teething like crazy and I'm self employed running a business, it's hard enough to get through the day on 5 hours sleep let alone 2 while still being half cut.

What happens if you deviate from the child's routine? Overtiredness sets in and you have even less sleep. What if my partner puts her to bed you say? Endless cries for Dad.

It's been tried, it really has. At the end of the day certain things I can join in with and certain things I can't. I haven't changed as a person, i'd love to have a night out clubbing, it's just not something I can do anymore (lay in bed with a hangover).

I think peoples' perceptions of having kids and how demanding they can be is underestimated by people without them. I think mistakenly people without kids see friends with kids as dropping off the radar by choice. I would have thought the same. At the end of the day, they'll all go through it too at some point and most likely ask for advice and realise why things are as they are.

edit: also it should be noted what time I posted this. Typical time to come in from a night out is around 2am.
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I am assuming you have a partner here. Another parents for your child.

Can't they do it once in a while and give you a break? You're entitled to a life too you know. That's certainly how my parents managed it with me and my sister.
 
I've got to say I'm rather guilty of this. Was with my ex for nearly 4 years, and when we started going out she was rather possessive. I pretty much ditched my housemates and friends for about a year, the last year of uni. I eventually realised what a plonker I had been, and have spent the last few years slowly rebuilding the relationships with my best friends.

On the plus side, I am now back at uni with some of them, single, and a much much more balanced individual for the experience, and my friends have forgiven me!
 
when girl cheats on him don't be there for him.

I'd never do it to my friends for a girl EVER AGAIN (I didn't do it MAJORLY but I did it a bit here and there on the odd occasion with friends just not going out and hanging with them and going to gf instead never something like a bday though... and I thought I was a nob back then), and I genuinely have applied that in the past had a girlfriend had week long tiff with me cause I said I'm going out with friends I really did not care, far as I was concerned she could break up with me then and there and I'd be better off for it.

His gf has probably moaned at him and he's a sackless wonder and a total *******. Absolutely hate guys like that, luckily none of my friends ever have done that kind of ****....LAME.
 
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