Not wanting kids and dating

[grimm]

It seems to me that more and more of the "wrong" types of people are having kids these days. The people that probably should be having kids are either only having one child, or choosing not to for various reasons.

I know it's a bit more complicated than this, but that's the general trend I'm seeing, and it can't be good over the long term.

 

[jas72]

Every girl I've been with has wanted kids, I used to shiver at the thought of my own child. I'm now a Dad, nothing has changed

I love my son but man they don't half eat into your life.

 

[_dogma_]

You are jaw droppingly naive....

I also hope you previous post recommending 2 condoms was a joke/ troll.

If you are in a 'relationship' and a woman says she is on the pill and then deliberately doesn’t take it, yet lies to the man and says she is taking it....you think this is acceptable as the man should be wearing a condom despite the pill being just shy of 100% effective when used properly?? If your answer to this is yes, words cannot describe how ridiculous you are.

A friend of mine was 'trapped' by one of these baby hungry ****s....it’s not nice and is an awful way to bring a child up into the world.

Really?

When I was on the pill I would sometimes forget to take it at the right time, not because I wanted to trap someone, because I forgot. Any contraception is only effective if it is used properly. A forgotten pill obviously reduces effectiveness. Just like a split condom.

Why must it be the woman's responsibility to ensure she doesn't get pregnant. If a guy really didn't want a child then surely he'd be doing everything in HIS power to ensure that doesn't happen?

I can't believe you think its just the woman's responsibility! No contraceptive is 100% (99.9% is not 100% when your talking about kids!) on its own. That's why its advised two methods are safer.

 

[hurfdurf]

My personal development teacher gave me a very good piece of advice when I was at school:

If you are not fully prepared to face all of the consequences of having sex, then simply do not do it.

Additionally, what is to stop a man always wearing a condom even if his girlfriend is on the pill?

At the end of the day, pill or no, it is the responsibility of BOTH people to make sure that pregnancy is avoided if it is not wanted. Of course, adults completely abstaining from sex is not a realistic approach, but BOTH parties doing what they can to minimise unwanted pregancy is.

So just wear a condom - it is not perfect, but it got me through many years of sex without a single unwanted pregancy

I feel that a woman being on the pill is not an excuse for the man to not do his part as well.

I completely agree with this to a point. But does that mean you could never trust your partner?

A year into a relationship lets say, fed up spending money on the decent condoms, combined with the fact that even the good ones still make sex feel rubbish, a couple decide that seeing as she is on the pill/coil/injection etc, what's the point, sex is way better without just on a feeling basis, never mind the lack of romanticism involved in putting a condom on. The only benefit to a condom is the clean up afterwards and if you are with a girl and doing it right even then there is going to be mess anyway.

So you stop using condoms, you both love each other and both agree that you don't want children yet. How ever, now all the power is in the woman's hands when it comes to contraception and it's very easy for her to fake an "accident" without ever even bringing up the idea of wanting a baby since she changed her mind 3 years later. If she does bring it up and say she wants a baby, the guys got a decision to make, does he say no and go back to using condoms and not trusting her? Does he break up? Does he trust her and hope she doesn't baby trap him "accidentally"?

I've been there, I broke up within an hour of the conversation, I've got no problem having kids, I'm a sperm donor, I just don't want to have to take responsibility for any any time soon, I'm a young guy in my prime. But a lot of people are in relationships where they don't want to break up, what do they do? It's down to the individual but it's much much easier said than done to just proclaim using a condom all the time is fool proof.

Condom sex is rubbish and my number one piece of advice for young people is to never not use a condom, because once you have experienced the real thing it's very difficult to enjoy sex with condoms on that level.

 

[hurfdurf]

The sooner they bring out a reliable contraceptive for men akin to the pill for women, the better. The paradigm shift in the kinds of girls getting pregnant will be massive and very problematic to those women who have suddenly hit the broody stage and want to get pregnant and trap down some beta provider.

 

[Lysander]

Really?

When I was on the pill I would sometimes forget to take it at the right time, not because I wanted to trap someone, because I forgot. Any contraception is only effective if it is used properly. A forgotten pill obviously reduces effectiveness. Just like a split condom.

Why must it be the woman's responsibility to ensure she doesn't get pregnant. If a guy really didn't want a child then surely he'd be doing everything in HIS power to ensure that doesn't happen?

I can't believe you think its just the woman's responsibility! No contraceptive is 100% (99.9% is not 100% when your talking about kids!) on its own. That's why its advised two methods are safer.

The way you've written it makes it sound like it's both hers and his responsibility. It's BOTH of yours as a unit. I'll tell you what I mean.

Before you start having a sexual relationship you both decide on a] what type of contraception you will use in the relationship and b] what you will do if something goes wrong, to the best of your foresight. If you choose the pill at the luxury of no condoms then it's up to her to remember - on time each time - since this is what you have both chosen. If you don't want that duty to remember then there other methods that don't need daily reminders [depo, injection, IUD etc].

If you decide to take the pill then the man has every right to be angry if it's forgotten because it didn't mean enough to the woman to remember. Either that or she is sabotaging the relationship.

 

[Noxia]

I very nearly bought a 3yr relationship to a close just a few weeks back because of this. I have always been bad around kids, I cannot stand them and don't go to see my sister as often because of my two nephews. That said, they are spoiled brats.
I said I cannot ever see me wanting them, she thinks she definitely will at some point. So we said well it's a bit silly buying a house together and then have a potentially life changing decision to make a few years after which will mean undoing it all. In the end we stuck it out because I know I cannot say for sure I don't want them and I know she could change her mind although it's unlikely as all her family are living by the life 101 textbook. What I hope to do is have a lot of fun over the next few years and remind her that we won't be able to do these things with the financial and responsibility 'burden' having kids will entail.
I've always felt I'm far too selfish to have kids and if it comes to the point that I still don't want them then at least we would have had a good ride along the way.

 

[malachi]

Condom sex is rubbish and my number one piece of advice for young people is to never not use a condom, because once you have experienced the real thing it's very difficult to enjoy sex with condoms on that level.

Also remember condom's are used to the stop the spread of STI's, which is on the increase every year. But yes, I see where you are coming from

With the amount of people who have kids unplanned in the UK, this is the reason why we have a high rate of single parents, which is a shame.

 

[Horse Pop]

I'm honestly not sure I'd trust her to take the pill if she "might" want kids at some point in the future. Then she gets to decide when you have an "accident"

edit
No, I'm not just being sexist. Yes, I have heard of this happening often enough to think it a realistic possibility.

Wish they'd hurry up and bring male oral contraception to the market tbh.

As regards the OPs question, I dunno. It's a tough one. IMO it should be a bit of a deal breaker for anything long term so I don't know where that leaves you. I wouldn't recommend fibbing to anyone but if most women do as you say want kids then I dunno what you then do to get dates.

I hate children. Dreadful mewling vomiting poop machines.

 

[hurfdurf]

Also remember condom's are used to the stop the spread of STI's, which is on the increase every year. But yes, I see where you are coming from

Well yea, I meant even to people in relationships. Obviously always use a condom with a new partner, it's basically risking sexual suicide not to.

 

[hurfdurf]

I very nearly bought a 3yr relationship to a close just a few weeks back because of this. I have always been bad around kids, I cannot stand them and don't go to see my sister as often because of my two nephews. That said, they are spoiled brats.
I said I cannot ever see me wanting them, she thinks she definitely will at some point. So we said well it's a bit silly buying a house together and then have a potentially life changing decision to make a few years after which will mean undoing it all. In the end we stuck it out because I know I cannot say for sure I don't want them and I know she could change her mind although it's unlikely as all her family are living by the life 101 textbook. What I hope to do is have a lot of fun over the next few years and remind her that we won't be able to do these things with the financial and responsibility 'burden' having kids will entail.
I've always felt I'm far too selfish to have kids and if it comes to the point that I still don't want them then at least we would have had a good ride along the way.

Do you use condoms every time you have sex?

 

[Lysander]

I hate children. Dreadful mewling vomiting poop machines.

Not to mention black-hole-like drains on your time, money and sleep. Oh, and give up your personal dreams and goals while you're at it. No country-hopping on a whim for you anymore.

 

[RHS]

Good luck in your search, gonna be tricky to find a lady who doesn't want kids, most ladies want to meet Mr Right or Mr nearly right and have kids.

My missus didn't want to have kids until she met me, so women change their minds!!

 

[ci_newman]

Not to mention black-hole-like drains on your time, money and sleep. Oh, and give up your personal dreams and goals while you're at it. No country-hopping on a whim for you anymore.

Those personal dreams of country-hopping might be your goals, but they never were mine

We understand you don't want kids, stop portraying all of us "breeders" as morally inferior to you

 

[ci_newman]

*snip*

Condom sex is rubbish and my number one piece of advice for young people is to never not use a condom, because once you have experienced the real thing it's very difficult to enjoy sex with condoms on that level.

Too true! Although not entirely family friendly (or is it family planning advice? )

 

[_dogma_]

The way you've written it makes it sound like it's both hers and his responsibility. It's BOTH of yours as a unit. I'll tell you what I mean.

Before you start having a sexual relationship you both decide on a] what type of contraception you will use in the relationship and b] what you will do if something goes wrong, to the best of your foresight. If you choose the pill at the luxury of no condoms then it's up to her to remember - on time each time - since this is what you have both chosen. If you don't want that duty to remember then there other methods that don't need daily reminders [depo, injection, IUD etc].

If you decide to take the pill then the man has every right to be angry if it's forgotten because it didn't mean enough to the woman to remember. Either that or she is sabotaging the relationship.

I agree its a joint decision. I'm on the depo so I only need to turn up to my appointment but I do have pills I need to take daily. My bf asks me if I've remembered to take them, every night without fail. I need my pills, I don't forget because it doesn't mean enough for me to remember I just sometimes forget.

Just because your not on the pill doesn't mean you couldn't remind her to take it. Its then if she doesn't take it that's when you can get annoyed.

 

[BuffetSlayer]

You are jaw droppingly naive....

Oh really? So you dont think both parties in a relationship should take measures to avoid unwanted pregnancy? Is it simply the womans job if she is on the pill?

It seems to me that the naive person is the one who thinks that a woman will take the pill properly 100% of the time because she says so

I also hope you previous post recommending 2 condoms was a joke/ troll.

Yes it was, as was the jibe about doing evolution a favour

If you are in a 'relationship' and a woman says she is on the pill and then deliberately doesn’t take it, yet lies to the man and says she is taking it....you think this is acceptable as the man should be wearing a condom despite the pill being just shy of 100% effective when used properly?? If your answer to this is yes, words cannot describe how ridiculous you are.

I never got baby trapped. No I do not think the woman lying to her partner is acceptable. But likewise, in newer relationships it is increadibly naive to put so much trust in a partner when you can shoulder some of the responsibility and help protect yourself from that 'accident'. Added to that, surveys show that 70% of women sometimes forget to take their pill. Also the the contraceptive pill is not 100% effective, and people are fallable. If 1% (going on NHS figures) of women a year still fall pregnant and there is roughly 3.5 million women on the pill, that is still roughly 35,000 unwanted pregnancies per year

Also, the woman may genuinely forget to take her pill and not realise but that still doubles the chance of her falling pregnant, so what harm is there in doubling up protection?

Until fairly recently (since we started trying for a baby) I always wore a condom. I have been with my partner since 2006.

A friend of mine was 'trapped' by one of these baby hungry ****s....it’s not nice and is an awful way to bring a child up into the world.

Well, I feel for your friend, but can he look in the mirror and honestly say he wasnt naive? Or that he could have done no more to protect himself?

Like it or not contraception is the responsibility of both parties, and in newer relationships, trusting a woman whom you barely know so complicitly is ridiculous.

Yet I am ridiculous and naive one?

@hurfdurf - it is not about not trusting your partner, it is about being in a responsible relationship and accepting that people and technology can fail. The woman can forget to take her pill, likewise a condom can split. Both parties taking precautions in a relationship is the responsible thing to do.

But many men like to be lazy and like to think that if a woman is on the pill, they have no further responsibilities in avoiding pregancy. That is an incredibly lazy and selfish mindset, in my opinion.

 

[Yas786]

I havent got any kids but i cant wait to have my own, been married for a few yrs and have enjoyed my married life so to speak and im not at the age where i do want to start my own family and have my kids carry on my name once im gone.

Ive dated women who have kids from a previous relationship and they dont want anymore kids, at that point i say goodbye and best of luck because ultimately i want my own kids. I couldnt take on some other guys kids and treat them as my own, well i could but it just wouldnt be the same.

Tbh i dont really understand why some people dont want kids at all, fair enough if you already have kids from previous marriages/relationships. But i dont know it just doesnt make any sense to me, the silly excuse of oh no my life is ruined because i have a little one now who will eat up my free time is about the most dumbest and stupidest excuse a person can come up with imho. Having a kid or kids doesnt necessarily mean your life is going to be impacted in a negative way, i may not be a father myself but having seen my middle brother have his 2 kids and still keep a peaceful life with his missus, shows me that this lame excuse really doesnt wash. Forgetting my brother but also a few of my mates have had kids and they havent said its negatively impacted their lives but rather it has enhanced their lives for the better.

But meh each to their own, just as people who have kids shouldnt force their views on people who dont want them, the same goes for the non parental people as well. And yes i have come across a few who have said to my mates, why did you have kids?? your life is ruined etc etc..

 

[Yas786]

Those personal dreams of country-hopping might be your goals, but they never were mine

We understand you don't want kids, stop portraying all of us "breeders" as morally inferior to you

Indeed, look it never stopped my brother and his wife country hopping as lysander put it so eloquently lol. They had 2 young kids when they upped and left for Canada, now living there for the past 10 yrs happy as they can be.

They both have great jobs and have never ever said kids are a black hole on finances, free time etc etc But as i said its all dependant on the people involved, some arent suited for kids which is fair enough but FFS stop telling us parents that we are stupid, naive and our lives are ruined because of kids etc.

 

[Lysander]

the silly excuse of oh no my life is ruined because i have a little one now who will eat up my free time is about the most dumbest and stupidest excuse a person can come up with imho.

Excuse? No, it's a reason.