Not wanting kids and dating

I have no interest in having children and I'm 29. I was with my ex for 9 years, I originally didn't want kids but due to people constantly telling me one day I'll change my mind, I thought I'd stick with it. She wanted children I knew this but I thought I'd just one day want children as that's what everyone kept telling me.

After 9 years together and her being a year off of 30 I thought I couldn't do this, I'm not happy and it's unfair on her so I ended it. I feel terrible for it as I took her youth 20-29 knowing all along I didn't want children. We did break up a few times and I did say I didn't want children but I think secretly she hoped one day I'd change too.

There isn't much in life I feel bad about, I've done some terrible things to people over the years but this is one of the few things I genuinely feel bad about.
 
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cHk4 said:
I have no interest in having children and I'm 29. I was with my ex for 9 years, I originally didn't want kids but due to people constantly telling me one day I'll change my mind, I thought I'd stick with it. She wanted children I knew this but I thought I'd just one day want children as that's what everyone kept telling me.

After 9 years together and her being a year off of 30 I thought I couldn't do this, I'm happy and it's unfair on her so I ended it. I feel terrible for it as I took her youth 20-29 knowing all along I didn't want children. We did break up a few times and I did say I didn't want children but I think secretly she hoped one day I'd change too.

There isn't much in life I feel bad about, I've done some terrible things to people over the years but this is one of the few things I genuinely feel bad about.
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Maybe you will one day change your mind. Just not yet. But I think you did the right thing in ending it. I feel for both of you, it must be a hard thing to go through.

I suppose she could have forced the issue earlier to be fair, so I wouldnt be too hard on yourself. You never know, she may decide she does not want kids afterall. Sometimes the dream is rosier than the reality.

It does highlight how that kind of relationship dynamic can be a disaster though. Are you still on good terms?
 
BuffetSlayer said:
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Smoking and crime are poor analogies, as both are categorically bad.

Not smoking isn't actually good for you, but smoking is bad for you, so not smoking is actually neutral.

Same with crime.

Not having children is not categorically bad for you, it is purely a preference, like me preferring pork to lamb. Not eating lamb does not negatively impact me.
 
krooton said:
Smoking and crime are poor analogies, as both are categorically bad.

Not smoking isn't actually good for you, but smoking is bad for you, so not smoking is actually neutral.

Same with crime.

Not having children is not categorically bad for you, it is purely a preference, like me preferring pork to lamb. Not eating lamb does not negatively impact me.
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I was attempting to show the hypocritical approach to advice and how a person may give and receive it.

I wasnt saying not having children can be bad for you. :confused:

I was saying that if a person berates someone for pushing their opinion on him (whatever that may be) but then turns around and pushes his own opinion on someone else (whatever that may be), is he a hypocrite?

Secondly, in pushing said opinion, it is often the case the person believes they are right and the other party is wrong (which is often purely subjective). Therefore they are being judgemental.

Granted, perhaps smoking and crime were not the best analogy but I think it still shows the basis of my points.

(with the bottom part revolving around what people say and think - my point was there is an underlying hypocrisy in a lot of what we do in so much as we often do one thing but think/feel very differently in private. An analogy would be a person bowing and scraping to a lord who he despised, yet still carried out his lords commands with a smile even though he despised him and the actions he was commanded to complete. Essentially the man is pretending to be a loyal servant when he is not )
 
BuffetSlayer said:
(with the bottom part revolving around what people say and think - my point was there is an underlying hypocrisy in a lot of what we do in so much as we often do one thing but think/feel very differently in private. An analogy would be a person bowing and scraping to a lord who he despised, yet still carried out his lords commands with a smile even though he despised him and the actions he was commanded to complete. Essentially the man is pretending to be a loyal servant when he is not )
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Sounds a bit like the parents out there who quietly regret having children...
 
Lysander said:
Really don't know what to say to this, I don't have the time to read it nor to reply! Obviously this means a lot more to you than it does to me. I can't sit here and repeat myself, which is what I imagine I'll be doing anyway.
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Not really important to me to be honest, so dont reply if you dont want to :)

But I believe your responses in this thread regarding those who tell you kids are great and you should have them is in direct contradiction to your stated responses to smokers and how you believe they should quit.

I just went the long way round in explaining my thoughts :)
 
BuffetSlayer said:
Maybe you will one day change your mind. Just not yet. But I think you did the right thing in ending it. I feel for both of you, it must be a hard thing to go through.

I suppose she could have forced the issue earlier to be fair, so I wouldnt be too hard on yourself. You never know, she may decide she does not want kids afterall. Sometimes the dream is rosier than the reality.

It does highlight how that kind of relationship dynamic can be a disaster though. Are you still on good terms?
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Maybe, I'm open minded so I'll never rule it out but it may be too late by the time I do. I think I did the right thing too, it's a shame. I'm not saying we had the best relationship but it was the main deciding factor and I think deep down it's what caused most of our arguments due to me subconsciously trying to push her away.

She did force the issue and we agreed that when she was 31 I think it was we would settle down and get married and have children. I thought great, gives me enough time to want children... We broke up for about 4 months in that time, I got my head together and thought I was ready for children, so told her this that I'd happily do the age 31 thing etc. Then rapidly I started to not want children, I tried to break it up and didn't have to heart to, I should have been stronger I know. Anyway it got to the point and I broke up with her. After we broke up she wanted to get back together with me and said she wouldn't have children and as much as I wanted to get back with her I couldn't take that away from her more so than I had done already.

We have been broken up nearly 18 months and are still on good terms, we talk everyday over text and still meet up and go out for a meal/cinema once a month.
 
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cHk4 said:
Maybe, I'm open minded so I'll never rule it out but it may be too late by the time I do. I think I did the right thing too, it's a shame. I'm not saying we had the best relationship but it was the main deciding factor and I think deep down it's what caused most of our arguments due to me subconsciously trying to push her away.

She did force the issue and we agreed that when she was 31 I think it was we would settle down and get married and have children. I thought great, gives me enough time to want children... We broke up for about 4 months in that time, I got my head together and thought I was ready for children, so told her this that I'd happily do the age 31 thing etc. Then rapidly I started to not want children, I tried to break it up and didn't have to heart to, I should have been stronger I know. Anyway it got to the point and I broke up with her. After we broke up she wanted to get back together with me and said she wouldn't have children and as much as I wanted to get back with her I couldn't take that away from her more so than I had done already.

We have been broken up nearly 18 months and are still on good terms, we talk everyday over text and still meet up and go out for a meal/cinema once a month.
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Do you think she loves you and values your relationship more than her need/want for children, or do you think she still lives in hope you will change your mind eventually?
 
BuffetSlayer said:
Do you think she loves you and values your relationship more than her need/want for children, or do you think she still lives in hope you will change your mind eventually?
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See that's a difficult one, at the start I would say she valued our relationship more so than her need/want for children. However now it's different, we have spoken about getting back together but she wants us to move marriage and children within a few years ( guess to still stick to the original 31 thing). I think she lives in hope I'll change my mind, it's a shame it really is.
 
cHk4 said:
See that's a difficult one, at the start I would say she valued our relationship more so than her need/want for children. However now it's different, we have spoken about getting back together but she wants us to move marriage and children within a few years ( guess to still stick to the original 31 thing). I think she lives in hope I'll change my mind, it's a shame it really is.
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When women say marriage with children they essentially mean marriage and children with anyone. The man is just the catalyst, don't let it be you if you don't want it. It will happen anyway whether you're with her or not.

One of my friends was so desperate for kids she said she would take anyone who would give it to her. A lot of womens' needs for children are so strong they can be cunning and manipulative.
 
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That is a dread of mine. Finding out my partner wanted me for kids only. That just shows to me how it isn't a choice as much as instinct. (am I more evolved :-P)

If I became single now I wouldn't be looking for someone my age who wanted kids. Because I would always wonder. I would probably bring up the kid issue early etc or state it in the online ad

To me it's shocking that someone would go with someone purely for finance and sperm

You do have to be careful to not be used at early 30s or late 20s,especially 30s
You are still young but it's when girls get worried if they want kids but haven't had them

I was trying to think of how many people I know don't want kids.. Lots of guys, not many girls
 
al4x said:
That is a dread of mine. Finding out my partner wanted me for kids only. That just shows to me how it isn't a choice as much as instinct. (am I more evolved :-P)

If I became single now I wouldn't be looking for someone my age who wanted kids. Because I would always wonder. I would probably bring up the kid issue early etc or state it in the online ad

To me it's shocking that someone would go with someone purely for finance and sperm

You do have to be careful to not be used at early 30s or late 20s,especially 30s
You are still young but it's when girls get worried if they want kids but haven't had them

I was trying to think of how many people I know don't want kids.. Lots of guys, not many girls
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I thnk it is part of the nature of most species.

The female only accepts a mate she feels will give her strong offspring - usually an alpha. The male tries to mate with as many females as possible in order to continue his line.

The female, takes care of the offspring whereas the male often does not get involved.

The alpha male will often kill any offspring that are not his within a given social group.

If you look to nature, human behaviour is not so hard to understand - it is just different in context. Instead of a quiet, secluded den with warmthj and shelter that is easy to defend, a human female looks for that security in a house. Instead of plenty of good hunting, or a strong family group - she looks for a provider (usually an alpha male) which helps secure the future of her offspring, usually by financial means which translates into paying the bills and putting food on the table (IE. providing the food, warmth and security her offspring need). I believe women hard wired in this way, perhaps even so far as it being 'genetic memory'. Likewise - I think it is often men who cheat in relationships because they are not genetically designed for monogamy, or generally in nature as the sex who rears offspring.

I think it is just human nature mixed with modern life personally.
 
The idea of the alpha male is not a universal concept within the animal kingdom. Why people insist on applying an idea that doesn't even apply to the majority of mammals to humans (who are frankly a lot more messed up) is beyond me.
 
Telescopi said:
The idea of the alpha male is not a universal concept within the animal kingdom. Why people insist on applying an idea that doesn't even apply to the majority of mammals to humans (who are frankly a lot more messed up) is beyond me.
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Amongst our closest relative it applies firmly - and also to many other mammals. It is not a huge leap of imagination to assume our genetic roots and social predispositions are not disimilar to those of the Chimpanzee.

Chimpanzees, whilst having a complex social structure (very much like ours) still show clear evidence of the alpha male/dominant female relationships within any given group - with alpha males being the dominant party and females showing deference in order to secure status, security, and food.
 
Again a little late to this party but im in the same boat 29 at the end of the month, decent house, good job etc etc however ive all but given up, i wont do online dating something about it seems wrong and all the women I meet are baby makers, on a plus note ive got way too many hobbies on the go so dont really feel the need for a woman in my life at the moment, although extra income and sharing looking after the house would be helpful.

Too many people believe that kids will just happen and if you dont have them or want them there is something wrong with you its taken me 10 years for my mum to accept im not having any my dad im still working on but my sister has decided to pop one out so its kept them quiet for a bit. Choosing to not have kids is in someway an instinctual as having kids or at least for me it is, the thought of it drives me away from otherwise good partners, having kids for me is just something i dont want to do to the point ive actually abstained from relationships and sex to make sure it didnt happen. Its not cause im childish im a responsible adult who works hard and gives 100% to everything i do just having kids isnt on my bucket list.
Personally I can see myself single for a long time no possibly into my 40s and will hunt out the few single child free birds once they are past all that baby ****e
 
stuie said:
Personally I can see myself single for a long time no possibly into my 40s and will hunt out the few single child free birds once they are past all that baby ****e
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I said this to a few mates actually... Once you hit your 40s it must get easier because all the women will know what they want out of life and will have either had kids or decided that they don't want them. Nasty surprises are far less likely!

BTW you don't have to abstain, just be very careful and don't trust anyone who says they are on the pill!
 
I find it funny to this day when I visit friends with children.
It's a love/hate relationship for sure. One Father, in particular had a really hard time adjusting to the fact that 'he' was not the most important person in the household anymore. That realisation took him a course of therapy and beta blockers to work out.

His daughter is fun, and of course he loves her to death, but I can see that he resents his wife somewhat ...not sure why, and he couldn't articulate it.

I know, I won't ever have children, as it's not in my makeup. My childhood was spent from age of 10 bringing up my sister while mum worked all hours. So I feel like I already went through it:-D

To the OP, If it isn't what you want, then just date and be done with it. Just like others have said, women in their thirties are a biohazard of hormones and you have to appreciate and understand that.

I see it with female friends as they look for a suitable partner.
Unfortunately, their expectations for a father are hugely unrealistic.

Personally, either date older women, who have been there and done it, or younger women who are not ready for motherhood.
 
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