Girlfriend is religious, I'm atheist.. Can this work?

Think the OP has to forget the question between him and his girlfriend is religion. The main point would be 'children', regardless of the question that may cause conflict the most important consideration would be the effect that conflict could have on any children.

If any perceived conflict that could occur in any future scenario between the OP and his girlfriend could have the potential to cause distress; split loyalties, conflict or any other myriad of problems. These possible outcomes are detrimental to the living environment and family life of a child, these possible conflicts have to be totally eliminated before any children are born. If they cannot be taken out of the equation then the OP and his girlfriend would be selfish to have children as they would be bringing them into an already known conflict of opinion and belief.

There are enough problems that simply come from nowhere and have to be dealt with as a parent and a child for that matter without bringing children into a family life with already existing problems and conflicts.
 
Take a middle ground approach that lets her think she has mainly won. Let her take the child to church on Sundays but you don't want to be a part of it. Assuming she keeps up the attendance, said child will then (when old enough) be able to make a decision on what they want to carry on with. For the most part it is just a Sunday play school for the first few years and you get the house to yourself for a bit.


More to the point:
Stuff said:
You've been together for two years, and it may soon be time for a baby.
Click to expand...

Really? Really? 2 years is not a very long time. Go on some holidays, see the world. Get married. Get a dog then maybe...
 
OP; your girlfriend is right in one way 'not having to parents who are believers' is the deal breaker not because of the the belief though; because of the possible conflict that can arise from the clash of two parents with differing views, whatever those views may be.
 
Trifid said:
2 years is not a very long time. Go on some holidays, see the world. Get married. Get a dog then maybe...
Click to expand...

And this^

If you take more time maybe you will come to the point where you can agree to disagree; the key is more time, this could allow you to find common ground.
 
The question really is, can both of you step back from your personal views enough to allow a child to develop a fair view of each one?.

It really depends on the religious person, if they simply hold a personal belief & wish to share that in a non-pressurising way it wouldn't be a problem for me personally.

If they started quoting scripture during disagreements (believing it to end them) & used that kind of method concerning issues related to the upbringing of the child then it really would be a problem.
 
Ooohhh....tricky popcorn thread this.
If she's a proper practicing catholic then i think you could be in for trouble when debating which direction your child shall be taught in.
I consider myself agnostic (possibly leaning towards atheism?) , my ex-wife certainly wasn't religious at all. But the pressure under us to have our son christened was quite ridiculous. I put my foot down and said "he would not be christened because we are not religious, end of!" Luckily the ex-wife didn't put up a fight. Well, why would she? Not a church goer either.

You don't need to be religious to have the set of morals/manner/courtesy that most decent folk would expect to have/grow up with. To me that's what is more important.
Hail Mary? Lol, what?! That's the bit i don't get and i'd not want my child to have any part of it i'm afraid.

If you are as headstrong as me then i can only see trouble ahead if you can't absolutely get this sorted asap. Her family will pile on the pressure, regardless of what you think now.
 
Abooie said:
There's a lot of crap in this thread.

It's about respect. I read a lot of I'm an atheist, I don't believe, I won't go to church, she has to accept my views. What about accepting her views are just as valid as yours, no one needs to change, just cut her a little slack.

If you're an atheist what are you going to catch if you do hold her hand and go to church now and again? Think of it as supporting her, respecting her and seeing something new now and again.

Look I'm not saying go very week, just be polite, respectful and not act like a spoilt whiny kid; it's a big old world and there's no RIGHT. dogmatic atheists are as bad as dogmatic Christians.

I'm saying this as an atheist/somewhat spiritual non Christian who's been married to a somewhat practicing catholic/orthodox Christian for 10 years.
Click to expand...

If I understand the OP correctly then your situation and his situation are completely different. She has already said/indicated that even token gestures are a deal breaker; that is, even with effort on his part and to go against what he believes, it's not enough. He has to buy into it or get out of Dodge.

Now whether this is religion or your favourite band or how people enjoy sex together isn't really important. What is important is this dismissal of opinion on matters regarding how to raise their future children. Will she mellow? Quite possibly. Is that guaranteed? No. Will the OP change his mind? Quite possibly. Is that guaranteed? No.

It just seems like such a monumental red flag in a relationship that unless he is convinced she is ~THE ONE~ then, you know, perhaps she isn't. Ultimatums in relationships rarely work well and that's really what this is.

"Believe in the thing that I do and agree that our child will - against your own beliefs which I note but ignore - or it's game over."

That's not a relationship conversation, that's a bullying conversation.
 
I dislike all religion so i wouldn't be with a religious woman in the first place, but forcing a kid into religion makes things even worse.
 
OP,

Compromise is crucial. If you make compromises (ie. attending church or other religious events), she needs to make compromises as well. This helps mantain a balance and decreases the chance of frustration building up, which is vital when there's such a huge difference in mentality between you two.

When it comes to children, I wouldn't accept indoctrination, it's a form of emotional abuse. It's one thing to teach Christian values to a child, quite another to tell them they are going to Hell if they don't listen to the Word.
 
Stuff said:
Please don't read below if easily offended, religious opinions expressed :D

I'm looking to hopefully get some unbiased input on this.. I'm an atheist, as I suspect many of you guys are too, but would appreciate views from different beliefs/cultures too if possible!

Imagine the scenario: You're atheist. Your girlfriend is a Roman Catholic. You've been together for two years, and it may soon be time for a baby. However, your girlfriend is concerned about your beliefs, or lack of. You respect her choices and beliefs, but can't quite understand religion, and can't accept it, due to it being completely illogical! (In your view..) You believe in science! :D She would want any child she has brought up with religious views, going to church on a regular basis, and brought up with the 'correct' beliefs, ideals, morals, etc..

My view on the situation is that, although being based around good principles, religion is kind of a guilt trip, and you don't need God, and the threat of burning in hell etc. to be a good person.

Her view is that having two parents that don't believe could be a deal-breaker... Even if I were to concede and agree to go to church and what-not, but still not believing and remaining atheist, it wouldn't be enough.

What is your opinion? :)
Click to expand...
My opinion is that it can work, and I've seen it work, but only if she realises that she should consider your beliefs as well.

One question would also be why are you with someone who doesn't care for you that much?
 
Abooie said:
There's a lot of crap in this thread.

It's about respect. I read a lot of I'm an atheist, I don't believe, I won't go to church, she has to accept my views. What about accepting her views are just as valid as yours, no one needs to change, just cut her a little slack.

If you're an atheist what are you going to catch if you do hold her hand and go to church now and again? Think of it as supporting her, respecting her and seeing something new now and again.

Look I'm not saying go very week, just be polite, respectful and not act like a spoilt whiny kid; it's a big old world and there's no RIGHT. dogmatic atheists are as bad as dogmatic Christians.

I'm saying this as an atheist/somewhat spiritual non Christian who's been married to a somewhat practicing catholic/orthodox Christian for 10 years.
Click to expand...
I don't disagree, but specific to this scenario my question would be why the compromise should be one way?
 
Tis a tricky one...

If your faith (or lack of) isn't a real problem for her then I can't imagine that this kind of thing would be an issue. That is unless she is heavily/easily swayed by the dreaded mo-inlaw!

If I was in your shoes, and the missus didn't mind my lack of belief then I'd just roll with the punches. If she wants to take child to church, let her. If child doesn't want to go to church, then child doesn't have to go. Its good to go with her and support her beliefs too. Its a nice compromise.

My mums is a spiritualist and my dad is neither here nor there. When I was little they gave me the option of going to different churches if it was what I was interested in.
I preferred spending my Sundays doing sports though :D

I generally turned out okay :p I'd like to think I'm a nice enough guy. My belief (if anything) would lean more towards spiritualism if anything.. but I'm still not entirely sure
 
Last edited:
Stuff said:
Please don't read below if easily offended, religious opinions expressed :D

I'm looking to hopefully get some unbiased input on this.. I'm an atheist, as I suspect many of you guys are too, but would appreciate views from different beliefs/cultures too if possible!

Imagine the scenario: You're atheist. Your girlfriend is a Roman Catholic. You've been together for two years, and it may soon be time for a baby. However, your girlfriend is concerned about your beliefs, or lack of. You respect her choices and beliefs, but can't quite understand religion, and can't accept it, due to it being completely illogical! (In your view..) You believe in science! :D She would want any child she has brought up with religious views, going to church on a regular basis, and brought up with the 'correct' beliefs, ideals, morals, etc..

My view on the situation is that, although being based around good principles, religion is kind of a guilt trip, and you don't need God, and the threat of burning in hell etc. to be a good person.

Her view is that having two parents that don't believe could be a deal-breaker... Even if I were to concede and agree to go to church and what-not, but still not believing and remaining atheist, it wouldn't be enough.

What is your opinion? :)
Click to expand...

You need to speak to your girlfriend.

Are you able to respect her beliefs? That doesn't mean you have to share them. If you are unable to respect her beliefs then this isn't going to work.
 
spudbynight said:
You need to speak to your girlfriend.

Are you able to respect her beliefs? That doesn't mean you have to share them. If you are unable to respect her beliefs then this isn't going to work.
Click to expand...

Indeed, if she is not able to respect his beliefs, then it isn't going to work.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom