Parent advise please.

Neodite · 27 Dec 2013 at 06:23

Right so… Before I kick up a fuss, I thought I best to get some advice first ( Or at least try

).

Quick back story, I have been separated from my wife for 2 years now (Long story for no divorce yet, mainly money due to spending the first year clearing dept. thanks to said wife) And when the kids are off school and I am off work they come and live with me and my new partner, like this year I have had Christmas off work for a change so they stayed with me for the 4 days off.

Now over these 4 days, my daughter (5) informed me that in the mornings when my son (3) wakes up and shouts for his mum, the ex shouts my daughter to get him up, and make breakfast for both herself and my son while the ex stays in bed.

Am I just being a fanny? Or is this out of order like I am thinking it is? I have noticed my daughter has been “mummy’ing” my son quite a lot when they are with me, and I think my lazy ex may be the reason.

Is 5 old enough to be doing things like this? I don’t think so, but what do you think?

davido_labido · 27 Dec 2013 at 06:37

Does your daughter mind? Don't they like to play house and stuff st that age anyway?
Maybe your ex might be taking advantage a bit, but still it might give your daughter a sense of importance or a little bit of independence etc.

Neodite · 27 Dec 2013 at 06:39

Thats true, and that did cross my mind, but on the flip side i'm thinking she is starting to steal my daughters childhood?

As in my eyes my daughter is still my baby, and 5 is still a very young age.

Schizo · 27 Dec 2013 at 06:59

Totally wrong and your ex should be ashamed of herself,how can she expect a 5 year old to be a mum !

People like this really get my back up and **** me off.

I know of a couple who dont get out of bed for there daughter until they are ready which could be 10 am when there daughter has been up since 6.30 and gets told "its to early",these kind of people dont deserve children.

My daughter is 6 and i have always got up with her or before her,i have always done her breakfast and she dosent do anything apart from fetching or clearing up after herself.

ci_newman · 27 Dec 2013 at 08:27

I guess it depends on how often this is happening. We've all have mornings where we want another 10mins in bed and with a 2-parent household one of you can get a lie-in whilst the other gets up. For single parents this is harder, and if the 5-year old likes doing it then its creating a bond between brother and sister whilst giving her some independance (which all children need).

As I say, it depends on how often it happens

Neodite · 27 Dec 2013 at 08:32

According to my daughter it is a regular thing.

"I always get up with **** (My son) before school and make him breakfast"

Now she is 5, so it could have happened once. But the problem is there is really no point speaking to the ex as she would just flat up deny it.

Would going to social services be out of order? So they can speak to my daughter and ex and find out what really is going on?

I dont want to be out of order if this is classed as being ok just because it ****es me off that she does this.

antijoke · 27 Dec 2013 at 08:39

Bang out of order, but you saying something may make an issue for you, women can be spiteful.

I would not be getting any kind of social services involvement.

SexyGreyFox · 27 Dec 2013 at 08:45

Neodite said:
Would going to social services be out of order? So they can speak to my daughter and ex and find out what really is going on?

Don't go up that path whatever you do.
You have got to voice your concerns in a calm way because no way should a 5 year old be looking after a 3 year old.
If the McCanns had been sleeping in bed while Maddie was looking after the twins downstairs they would still had universal scorn poured all over them.

Nightglow · 27 Dec 2013 at 08:45

anticonscience said:
Bang out of order, but you saying something may make an issue for you, women can be spiteful.

I would not be getting any kind of social services involvement.

+1

Totally wrong at 5, your ex could makes things very difficult for you if you say something.
Would be very reluctant to involve the SS.

Neodite · 27 Dec 2013 at 08:47

anticonscience said:
Bang out of order, but you saying something may make an issue for you, women can be spiteful.

Have you met her?

When I have mentioned things in the past I have been threatened with not being able to see my kids and CSA etc.

And I do need to be carefull with what I say, as altho if she said I couldn't see them anymore, yes I can go to court, but my daughter is not mine, altho I have been there from the birth and for the past 5 years (Ex was pregnant when I met her) her real dad didn't want to know from the start so she only has me as a dad.

cyber69 · 27 Dec 2013 at 09:00

anticonscience said:
Bang out of order, but you saying something may make an issue for you, women can be spiteful.

I would not be getting any kind of social services involvement.

I would agree with this but letting a 5 year old make breakfast is in itself an accident waiting to happen.

ci_newman · 27 Dec 2013 at 09:08

Neodite said:
Have you met her?

When I have mentioned things in the past I have been threatened with not being able to see my kids and CSA etc.

And I do need to be carefull with what I say, as altho if she said I couldn't see them anymore, yes I can go to court, but my daughter is not mine, altho I have been there from the birth and for the past 5 years (Ex was pregnant when I met her) her real dad didn't want to know from the start so she only has me as a dad.

This is starting to sound like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Do not get SS involved, your children are warm, fed and have a roof over their heads - That is the primary concern.

OhEsEcks · 27 Dec 2013 at 09:09

My mum is a social worker. She's said to me before that once social services are involved it's hard to get them uninvolved. So it's worth considering if involving them over something like this is worth it. If she's doing it simply because she's lazy have a word with her. If she's doing it because she's hung over regularly, that is a far more serious issue...

That said, I used to help my younger brother get ready for school and make him breakfast while my mum was getting ready for work (she wasn't lying in bed). My older brother did the same for both my younger brother and I. But my mum was a single mother raising three kids. My best friend had the same deal with his mum and brothers, again, single working mother and three kids. Sometimes there's just not the time in the day and everyone has to chip in to help out were you can. Pouring a bit of cereal or making a bit of toast is not that complex. Making sure they're dressed for school isn't either. It's not like they're being sent down the mines and at risk of black lung.

Neodite · 27 Dec 2013 at 09:14

No it's not from being hungover (Thankfully) when we was togeather and I was off work, we wouldn't even see her till 1/2pm so I know she is lazy, I was just stupid and kept staying for the kids intill I just couldn't do it anymore. (A bit of good advise for you all, staying in a terrible relationship for the kids is NOT a good idea)

I guess you are right, I just cant stop thinking it's out of order and shouldn't be going on =\

Lakeland · 27 Dec 2013 at 10:13

Resolve by proxy, convince your daughter it's wrong and hope she stops doing it.

Adam · 27 Dec 2013 at 10:22

Seems like someone who finds their responsibilities to look after their children an inconvenience, I've noticed this a lot more lately.

grumpysculler · 27 Dec 2013 at 10:32

Neodite said:
my daughter is not mine, altho I have been there from the birth and for the past 5 years (Ex was pregnant when I met her) her real dad didn't want to know from the start so she only has me as a dad.

Were you married at the time of the birth? If so, the law says the child is yours unless a court order is made otherwise.

You are in a tricky place if you weren't married. If it went that far, a court would be very reluctant to separate siblings (even half-siblings) and so as long as you can't go for residency of the elder one, you would be highly unlikely to get residency of the younger one.

Neodite · 27 Dec 2013 at 10:37

No, we didn't get married intill she fell pregnant with my son

The idea was always once I felt my daughter was old enough to understand I would tell her the situation, and give her the option for me to try an adopt her.

ci_newman · 27 Dec 2013 at 10:46

Your only course of action here is to speak to the mother directly, but try and approach it in a calm manner. Find out if she needs help with something, perhaps she's suffering depression or having to work long hours / be up a lot with your children overnight.

Social services is a no go, and you're never going to get custody.

Schlong&Stable · 27 Dec 2013 at 11:03

I don't personally think it's a big deal. Five might be a bit young it's true, but making a bowl of cereal and turning on the cartoons is not any hardship and something that kids don't think very much about. If this is your ONLY concern, then I'd not make a fuss over it. If there are other things too, then that is when I might start t get concerned.