Managing Your Life During the Five Stages of Loss
Here is where maybe 100% of you are right now. Getting your life together when your emotions wreak havoc on your rational side can be nightmarish. Reduce your time stuck in circular logic, cut that useless, wishful thinking and curb destructive behavior with these remaining simple rules!
Rule 2: Sever Contact With Your Ex
Before you argue, head right down to Erratta: Can I Be Friends With My Ex?, then find yourself right back here.
Think about how all of your emotional turmoil is tied up with the relationship between you and one person (and possibly their family and friends). You think staying in touch will help you get over that? No. Take a break from confronting both the source and reminders of that turmoil. Don’t call, text, email, read Facebook updates, visit, or have sex with your ex. Block their Facebook (not “hide feed,” not “unfriend”). Block their email and cell. If you live with your ex, move out. If you work with them, consider a transfer. If you share friends, spend time with other friends. Tell the people you spend time with that you want to minimize reminders, discussion, and anything else relating to your ex (unless you need to bitch. Limited venting can be cathartic if you don’t **** your friends off with too much).
Additional words of severing wisdom:
Minimaul posted:
Do yourself a favor and remove the person from your life that chose to remove you from theirs.
“Do not contact your ex” doesn't mean that YOU don't make effort to contact them but you respond when they get in touch with you. Cause, I mean, you technically didn't contact them, right? Wrong. It means NO CONTACT WITH YOUR EX...Just because you aren't contacting them that does not mean you're properly severing. It means do not even respond to them. Do not take the bait to any comments that raise your hackles, pique your interest, slander or cajole your feelings into responding...Every single contact will set you back to a point so far behind that it takes longer to catch up and move on than if you had just severed and ripped that damn band aid off.
It will be hard and sometimes they get offended. Seriously! How absurd is that? They get offended because you're severing from them when they ripped your heart of out of your ass. It seems so absurd that it's impossible, but I assure you my fellow GoonyGoons, it happens more than you think. The ex [that doesn’t bother with these rules], most often, is trying to assuage their own guilt when they remain in contact. It's entirely selfish of them. Now it's your turn to be selfish, stop talking to them and accept things and move on. Severing is acceptance and moving forward.
You can approach the sever in many responsible ways. The best is to suggest that “I am going through a lot and don’t think it’s a good idea to stay in touch for a while.” The answer to “How long?” is “When I feel ready.” When is ready? See Errata: To Date or Not to Date Immediately , below.
What do you do if, after two weeks of a perfect sever, you crash through their apartment rip-roaring drunk in a Santa hat, catch them with some other loser, scream obscenities and spit right in their face? Here’s some fine advice about relapsing:
Chocolate Milk posted:
Most people relapse at some point. The important thing to remember is that they will never respond how you want them to respond. Because what you want them to say is “I’m sorry, I love you, I’ll always love you, let’s get back together and pretend none of this ever happened”. And they’re not going to say that. And if they do, you won’t believe them, because hey: they did it once, they can do it again.
Finally, sometimes contact is inevitable. When forced into contact by accident or when you’re exchanging owned items, keep conversation cordial and short. Treat your ex like an acquaintance you don’t really want to get to know. Be nice, do your own thing.
Rule 3: Go Do Something Normal With Yourself and Friends
During the immediate post-dump, it can be a challenge to reign in those feelings. Sitting at home, sulking, stewing over the issues of the breakup, and wallowing in your despair will keep you right where you are. Find a new hobby or re-find your old ones. Go outside. Go out with friends, dance a jig, run a mile, anything. Few or no friends? Make some. Focus on short-term goals. Also, figure out the most productive time of day while you’re in this funk, and schedule your time for both good activities and letting your emotions run rampant. Sometimes you just can’t get over it, so allow yourself a little time for that.
Don't do anything rash. Don't join the army, sell all your worldly possessions, or do anything that could have lasting, regrettable effects on your life.
Rule 4: Be Healthy
Take care of your body. Eat right, exercise, and fix your sleep schedule. It is amazing how these three things affect the way you handle emotional turmoil.
Chocolate Milk posted:
The absolute best thing you can do right now is exercise. Not only is it great for your health, you will feel ****ing amazing. Even if you’re not usually the sporty type, you’ll find it’s surprisingly distracting and enjoyable. And you’ll be improving yourself and your health at the same time.
Avoid mind-altering substances in excess, including alcohol. If you go drinking, ensure your ex’s number is deleted. If memorized, give your phone to your pals. Drunk texting/calling the ex is not a riot.
Take care of your mind.
nickhimself posted:
When a relationship is over the only thing you should take from it is something new you've learned about yourself.
Spend some time on self-reflection. People often say “it’s not you, it’s me,” but if you’re noticing a pattern of failed, unhealthy relationships, you might have some unresolved issues to work through. Talk with friends, family, professional counselors, psychiatrists or entertain E/N for perspective.
Rule 5: Don’t Be an *******
Life sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it. When life sucks, it’s easy to be an *******. Life sucks even more when ******** assert their assholery and ruin everyone else’s lives and their own. Don’t be that *******. Don’t harass, threaten, repeatedly whine and cry, or stalk your ex through any medium of communication. This includes through their friends and/or family. You can feel like ****, but put your game face on in public. Bitch to your close friends, take boxing lessons, or write in a private journal. Hopefully if you stick to Rule 2, you won’t have to worry about any of this.
A Really Serious Note: In most US States, harassment is a very nebulous yet real criminal charge, at minimum a misdemeanor (which can include jail time). It can be defined as physical threats to property, threats to the filing individual, and threats to the friends and family of the filing individual. Essentially, if you even insinuate physical harm to people or things, that’s enough. No-contact orders can be granted on little more than this simple harassment. Cell phone texts, Facebook posts and emails are frequent sources of evidence for this (I know this for a fact; I watch Bones). Violation of these orders is a serious criminal offense and will **** up your life. And this is just verbal harassment. Don’t be that guy or girl.
Erratta
Here are some other useful things to think about that relate to the basic rules above. Consider them carefully.
To Date or Not to Date Immediately?
This issue is hotly debated. Is it best to jump right into a rebound to help you forget your ex? I’ll admit it has helped me before. Sometimes casual relationships can wean you off of that desire for intimate contact with your ex while you work through your emotional challenges. However, you must be upfront with the people you date. Still, even if you slap them across the face with it, people fantasize, “listen to their heart,” and generally put themselves in precarious situations for love. In these common cases, it’s rare someone doesn’t get hurt. I’ve seen both sides, and it’s a dangerous game to play. Be careful.
When is the right time to consider a new relationship? How do you know when you’re ready?
One good rule of thumb is that you’re not really over a relationship until you’re no longer interested in dating that person again. If they came up to you and said, “let’s get back together”, and your answer’s anything other than “hell no”, you’re probably not ready to date again.
The king of love, Phil Collins, suggests that you never really “get completely over” having your heart broken. Still, people move on to happy, constructive relationships after serious heart-crushing. It’s not about erasing all the feelings you had for someone; it’s about living with them and being able to make room for others.
Stuck in the Limbo of an Uncertain Breakup
Did your ex leave you hanging with a “we’ll see” in response to asking if there was future possibilities? Couldn’t draw anything concrete out of them? You may be stuck bargaining with yourself in Despair Stage limbo, and find yourself unable to move on until you come to terms with Rule 1.
How do you break yourself out of this cycle of telling yourself “maybe” when you know it’s wishful thinking? You’re living Rule 1-5, and your life is still miserable. Adhere even stronger to the rules, force yourself out of spinning your wheels, and maybe get thee to a counselor for some CBT. In other words, this is the most challenging type of despair to get out of, and you need to work hard to get yourself on track.
Closure
This is probably the biggest reason people completely fail on Rule 2 and suffer.
Closure could mean one final “**** you,” a last hurrah in the sack, that satisfying answer to why everything fell apart and anything in between. Sadly, if you weasel anything out of your ex, you probably didn’t want to hear it in the first place.
Most often, there is no such thing as closure and nothing your ex could say would make you feel better. This is also nearly always has the same result: it never matters what they say, and now you feel even worse. Moral? Don’t bother looking for closure. Create your own and move on.
Can I Be Friends With My Ex?
Chocolate Milk posted:
Sure. You can be friends with your ex. But not now.
Most people don’t end up being friends with their ex, and it’s not because they stop talking to them. It’s because they don’t stop talking to them. You can’t be friends with someone you used to love unless all those feelings are gone. You need to take the time to be apart and to get some space. Otherwise you’ll never get over them; you’ll see them with new people and it’ll kill you inside. What kind of a friendship is that?
If you’re the dumper, it’s going to be harder for you, because you won’t really know for sure if they’re over you. Dating other people doesn’t guarantee anything. The important thing is to give them space (even if they don’t want space, even if they want to keep talking to you) and maybe try at being friends after a few months.
Well, there you have it. Get right to breaking every one of these and teach everyone your hard-learned lessons, or share your success and be a model for all.
Much thanks to all of the contributors to this and the last thread. You know who you are!
Many people have been where you are, and you can probably find your answer in history. READ the original thread here.
- may be able to get the £100 for the church back but the £500 from the venue is non refundable. Im not all that worried about this tbh. I'd rather it all goes 
