I think my girlfriend is suffering from depression, I need some advice

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dirtychinchilla

dirtychinchilla

dirtychinchilla

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Please, I'm really just looking for advice from people who have been in similar situations.

So, my girlfriend finished university last year, having studied Forensics and Law. So far, no job she's done has had anything to do with that. It's all been admin work. She's been out of work for a couple of months, but was so depressed doing the admin work - it basically sucked the life out of her - that she was delighted when her temporary contract was up.

Recently she decided that she'd like to start selling vintage clothes as she loves fashion and would really like to be self employed. She's starting to realise now, though, that this is going to be a long process, and she's impatient. The results aren't showing immediately, and it's just making her more depressed.

She has been seeming a lot more like herself of late, but she's had way too much time to think and assess her life and is very self deprecating. She refuses to see a doctor, and she suffers from insomnia, which doesn't improve her mood. Her family stress her out because she thinks that they expect certain things of her, and doesn't like to disappoint them.

All this is building up and I'm really at a loss about what to do. I try to always be happy around her, and show her love and support her as much as I can, but it has a limited effect, and now I really don't know what to do.

If you have any advice for me, any similar experiences, I would love to hear them.

I'm going to continue trying to get her to go to the doctors and to find work that actually suits her for now, but it's not a permanent solution. She's very creative, so I really don't think a desk job suits her, but we're not really sure what kind of direction might be good for her.

Anyway, help, please!
 
Honestly mate you're doing the right thing by trying to get her to the docs. Best thing I ever did when I was depressed was when I finally caved into friends wishes and went to the doctors. Hardest part is to actually admit depression as it still seems to carry a taboo.

Go down hobby craft and spend a few quid there give her somthing to do. Also maybe look into a website like notonthehighstreet get some of her wares on there.

One thing for the love of god don't be one of those people always asking "are you ok?". Most irritating thing for someone who's not happy.
 
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My advice would be to try and talk in depth about why she refuses to see a doctor, and reason with her (i.e. prepare yourself with lots of logical arguments, explain that she has nothing to lose, and that it would make you happier).

After I finished uni, I did a crap job for a few years and without going into too many details my doctor persuaded me to see a counsellor for 6 sessions. I was a bit sceptical about it and also got annoyed at some of the questions she asked, but the one thing it did do was get me to be more open about my feelings, get things off my chest that I couldn't really talk to anyone else about. She could have things bottled up inside that she feels she can't talk to you or her family about, but some sort of release could benefit her.
 
Mynight said:
Honestly mate you're doing the right thing by trying to get her to the docs. Best thing I ever did when I was depressed was when I finally caved into friends wishes and went to the doctors. Hardest part is to actually admit depression as it still seems to carry a taboo.

Go down hobby craft and spend a few quid there give her somthing to do. Also maybe look into a website like notonthehighstreet get some of her wares on there.

One thing for the love of god don't be one of those people always asking "are you ok?". Most irritating thing for someone who's not happy.
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Thank you, sir :) I really am trying, but she's very reluctant as I'm sure you can appreciate.

I will do that, go and get her some fun stuff to do, and maybe she could make some moeny from it. Cheers for the idea and the advice. I'm not someone who asks are you ok all the time, btw :p

HangTime said:
My advice would be to try and talk in depth about why she refuses to see a doctor, and reason with her (i.e. prepare yourself with lots of logical arguments, explain that she has nothing to lose, and that it would make you happier).

After I finished uni, I did a crap job for a few years and without going into too many details my doctor persuaded me to see a counsellor for 6 sessions. I was a bit sceptical about it and also got annoyed at some of the questions she asked, but the one thing it did do was get me to be more open about my feelings, get things off my chest that I couldn't really talk to anyone else about. She could have things bottled up inside that she feels she can't talk to you or her family about, but some sort of release could benefit her.
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She's a woman...logical arguments don't work! But I'll give it a go.

Maybe a counsellor would be better for her than a doctor. I think she needs someone to help boost her confidence and a release. THank you, sir.
 
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The chances of her getting a job in the field she studied in are higher than her making a success selling vintage clothes, the key to this is getting her on the ladder she intended when she started her degree. Help her find a proper job that she wants and all the problems will go away.
 
Maximum Triceratops said:
The chances of her getting a job in the field she studied in are higher than her making a success selling vintage clothes, the key to this is getting her on the ladder she intended when she started her degree. Help her find a proper job that she wants and all the problems will go away.
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It's a very hard industry to get into, as far as I understand it. There used to be a forensics society that the police contracted from, but it was closed a few years ago and now you just have to join the police, which she won't do.

I wish it was that easy...
 
Hangtime is actually a really good idea (sure he doesn't need me telling him that though :D). If she won't go for herself then see if shell go for you. Just to save you worrying about her.

Forensics isn't very easy to get into anymore. I originally was going to do a degree in criminology and convert to a forensics based one later but the market shifted no jobs in the feild :(
 
I'd echo the get her to the doctors comments, for me it made me realise just how long I had been depressed whilst doing my PhD, and was like a cloud being lifted away from my life.

Unfortunately its very hard to sympathise unless you have been through it yourself, I would just be persistent and make sure that she knows that mental issues are no disability and it helps to be open and honest about it. GL
 
How about branching out? I hear there is a quite high demand for forensic cleanup services.
 
She doesn't need to see a doctor she needs to see a FUTURE.

In my experience these things come from the most abstract decisions you make, but you will not know what that decision is until along time after you make it.

I don't mean to be too blunt but she wont make that decision moping about, but the moping about may well force her to make that decision if you see what I mean.

You could suggest maybe some volunteering work in the field - offer to a week of her time free of charge with a local (or not so local) "work experience" - look into police trainee or apprenticeships for investigators hell search like hell for anything at all related to her qualifications at the VERY bottom of the ladder and work up from there. Shes not going to walk into the upper echelons of "NCIS" off the back of a degree.

These things don't just land on your lap unless you are very lucky or very loaded.
 
I think a lot of people go through the same stage as your gf when they aren't immediately snapped up out of uni. She will adjust her expectations and goals and this will help her be realistic about her options and happier :-)

Self employment works for some people however she could end up with cash low issues which will cause her more grief in comparison to having a salary. Get her to exercise daily to get rid of the insomnia.
 
Completely true. A friend of a friend does it for a living. Average rate of £89 per hour but for murders it can go up to £150+.

With all the nasty chemicals, cleaning bodily fluids and some of the sights you must see its definitely not a job for the weak of stomach :(
 
I'm assuming that she doesn't have some kind of chemical imbalance in her brain, but that life is getting her down and stressing her out. It happens to a lot of people, and one of the worst things is that it becomes a downwards spiral where it seems like the person cannot get themselves out of it.

Get her to go and see a doctor, and ask for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions. She will probably do a couple of sessions in person, and then the rest by phone. She will come back with a book she's supposed to read, and one chapter will be for you to read, which will point out that you are not qualified to help, but you have a support role as a family member. Also doing exercise really helps with depression, so some gym membership may be good, or even just running around the park with a dog.

CBT seems to work at least as well as anti-depressants, without the side effects. It helps break you out of a downward spiral of depressive thoughts, helps you understand the mental mechanisms that are going on, and so identifies the parts of your life that you need to change.

Understanding what's going on and how to move forwards will make her feel back in control of her life, and give her direction. It will take her out of the depression spiral and give her a framework within which to sort things out. You can't just tell someone to "snap out of it" or "pull themselves together" any more than you can tell them to walk off a broken leg. They are beyond that point, and need to be brought back to a place where they can identify the problems and learn the tools to allow them to cope and rebuild themselves. All you can do is support them in that effort, but you can't do it for them.

One book that a close family member used during her course of CBT was "Overcoming Depression and Low Mood: A Five Areas Approach" by Chris Williams. ISBN 978-0-340-98605-9 It's a sort of instruction manual and workbook divided into "Why you feel as you do" and "Making changes".
 
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She has to just keep trying at what she wants to do and not give up. If it means she has to start at the bottom after years of studying then that is what she will have to do. Just keep looking for a better job and eventually she will get a break.

If she is going to interviews depressed then that is not going to help, she will have to change the way she looks at it and try to stop judging herself by her self imposed expectations.
 
Mynight said:
Completely true. A friend of a friend does it for a living. Average rate of £89 per hour but for murders it can go up to £150+.

With all the nasty chemicals, cleaning bodily fluids and some of the sights you must see its definitely not a job for the weak of stomach :(
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See, now im interesting, more along the lines, could I stomach it? But, damn, thats a nice wage...
 
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