Today has been one of those really bizarre days where things just happen out of the ordinary without any warning, three things have happened today, I had a great realisation in therapy I wasn't expecting and then I got a great deal on two new pairs of jeans and a pair of boots just by calling into a shop I got a gut feeling to go into. (thanks guys for even making that possible, you know who you are)
The third thing to happen was the most unexpected and ultimately perplexing thing to happen. The ex partner asked if she could call me as we needed to talk, naturally my gut reaction was to tell her to go forth and multiply and after a few of the typical crappy messages between us, something just told me to pick up the phone when she called, I can't say why but I felt it was going to be important.
At first it was the typical sort of phone call we have occasionally, her demanding stuff and accusing me of stuff. Basically it felt like she was making threats that I either did what she wanted or she was going to stop me from seeing my kids again, convince them I'm a deadbeat etc etc and me telling her to **** off before hanging up.
Again I honestly couldn't tell you why but I felt a strong urge to call her back, only this time it was very different... we talked for over 2hrs, it was at times ultimately frustrating, difficult, open, straightforward, honest and even at one point fun.
Basically the ex is going back to university in June to study nursing and although she doesn't need me (her words) she would rather I spend more time with the kids as opposed to some stranger or move in with her new boyfriend which she claims she doesn't want to do but needs help one way or the other...
Basically what she has asked is for me to move back to her town, so I can have the kids (both at school age) more, to basically look after them whenever she cannot without the need for them to move out of the area and to take our kids out of a school they love. Me living almost 2hrs away by bus would make it impossible for me to look after them more without those major disruptions to the kids lives which with all my boys problems would not be a good thing for him. In return she has agreed to pay off some of my debts (in order to facilitate the move, like rent arrears), pay for me to move and stop my sickness benefits from being docked by child support payments (only a nominal amount but a lot when your income is as low as mine)
For those of you who know me, my kids are the most important thing in all of creation to me and it kills me that I only get to see them at weekends but I try to make the best of it. So the offer of being able to be a much more active part of their lives again, being able to do school runs etc etc feels like an answer to my prayers! But for the fact it's coming from her...
Don't get me wrong I'm no saint and I know I did a lot of crap during our relationship but this is the woman who emotionally and psychologically and then physically abused me. The woman who convinced me she'd cheated just to hurt me. So to sit there and talk to each other like human beings was totally bizarre to me and a part of me, a huge part of me thinks that this is an amazing breakthrough and could be the best thing for my two kids, like I say I could be there for them and fit my education and life around their needs and do all the things I so desperately want to do as a Dad.
But this smacks to me of a deal with the devil, yes I could gain so much but what is this going to cost me? What's the catch?
Even if there is one, with putting my kids first should it even stop me if there is a catch?
What else has really bothered me about all this though is the conversation itself. This was the best conversation I've had with the ex since well before I left her. We talked about so much stuff in regards to what led us to our break-up and what has happened since between us and although I didn't agree with a lot of what she said, I got my points across without falling into the usual pattern. As I think I've put already, we even ended up laughing and joking with each other, sharing funny stories about the kids and finally talking about some important stuff like her uncle dying, who I was very fond of and my sons eye problem she has previously refused to tell me about (he's long sighted)
We agreed to try and be friends for the benefit of the kids and left it with an agreement to meet up for a coffee as a first stepping stone to moving forward. She's agreed to pass some things over to me of mine and I've agreed to get her some information she needs.
Here's the thing though, towards the end of the call it felt like when we'd had good times and I couldn't help but for the briefest of moments day dreaming about us getting back together... which in itself is a huge problem for me, in fact it caused me a mild panic attack. For whatever reason I felt happy briefly, then terrified as this is the same woman who hurt me so very badly. Then intrigued, is this just some big ploy for her to get her hooks back into me? Is there even a boyfriend and if so why would she rather call on me than move in with him (which he's apparently offered) Don't get me wrong I'd rather my kids not live with another man but I know its going to happen eventually.
I'm confused at my feelings towards her after this call, I could honestly say I don't love her and still can but do I have feelings for her still or not? Would I even want to get back together with her if circumstances where right? Is this what she really wants and as I say this is a ploy of some sort?
I'm so confused right now.... please guys can I get some advice
The third thing to happen was the most unexpected and ultimately perplexing thing to happen. The ex partner asked if she could call me as we needed to talk, naturally my gut reaction was to tell her to go forth and multiply and after a few of the typical crappy messages between us, something just told me to pick up the phone when she called, I can't say why but I felt it was going to be important.
At first it was the typical sort of phone call we have occasionally, her demanding stuff and accusing me of stuff. Basically it felt like she was making threats that I either did what she wanted or she was going to stop me from seeing my kids again, convince them I'm a deadbeat etc etc and me telling her to **** off before hanging up.
Again I honestly couldn't tell you why but I felt a strong urge to call her back, only this time it was very different... we talked for over 2hrs, it was at times ultimately frustrating, difficult, open, straightforward, honest and even at one point fun.
Basically the ex is going back to university in June to study nursing and although she doesn't need me (her words) she would rather I spend more time with the kids as opposed to some stranger or move in with her new boyfriend which she claims she doesn't want to do but needs help one way or the other...
Basically what she has asked is for me to move back to her town, so I can have the kids (both at school age) more, to basically look after them whenever she cannot without the need for them to move out of the area and to take our kids out of a school they love. Me living almost 2hrs away by bus would make it impossible for me to look after them more without those major disruptions to the kids lives which with all my boys problems would not be a good thing for him. In return she has agreed to pay off some of my debts (in order to facilitate the move, like rent arrears), pay for me to move and stop my sickness benefits from being docked by child support payments (only a nominal amount but a lot when your income is as low as mine)
For those of you who know me, my kids are the most important thing in all of creation to me and it kills me that I only get to see them at weekends but I try to make the best of it. So the offer of being able to be a much more active part of their lives again, being able to do school runs etc etc feels like an answer to my prayers! But for the fact it's coming from her...
Don't get me wrong I'm no saint and I know I did a lot of crap during our relationship but this is the woman who emotionally and psychologically and then physically abused me. The woman who convinced me she'd cheated just to hurt me. So to sit there and talk to each other like human beings was totally bizarre to me and a part of me, a huge part of me thinks that this is an amazing breakthrough and could be the best thing for my two kids, like I say I could be there for them and fit my education and life around their needs and do all the things I so desperately want to do as a Dad.
But this smacks to me of a deal with the devil, yes I could gain so much but what is this going to cost me? What's the catch?
Even if there is one, with putting my kids first should it even stop me if there is a catch?
What else has really bothered me about all this though is the conversation itself. This was the best conversation I've had with the ex since well before I left her. We talked about so much stuff in regards to what led us to our break-up and what has happened since between us and although I didn't agree with a lot of what she said, I got my points across without falling into the usual pattern. As I think I've put already, we even ended up laughing and joking with each other, sharing funny stories about the kids and finally talking about some important stuff like her uncle dying, who I was very fond of and my sons eye problem she has previously refused to tell me about (he's long sighted)
We agreed to try and be friends for the benefit of the kids and left it with an agreement to meet up for a coffee as a first stepping stone to moving forward. She's agreed to pass some things over to me of mine and I've agreed to get her some information she needs.
Here's the thing though, towards the end of the call it felt like when we'd had good times and I couldn't help but for the briefest of moments day dreaming about us getting back together... which in itself is a huge problem for me, in fact it caused me a mild panic attack. For whatever reason I felt happy briefly, then terrified as this is the same woman who hurt me so very badly. Then intrigued, is this just some big ploy for her to get her hooks back into me? Is there even a boyfriend and if so why would she rather call on me than move in with him (which he's apparently offered) Don't get me wrong I'd rather my kids not live with another man but I know its going to happen eventually.
I'm confused at my feelings towards her after this call, I could honestly say I don't love her and still can but do I have feelings for her still or not? Would I even want to get back together with her if circumstances where right? Is this what she really wants and as I say this is a ploy of some sort?
I'm so confused right now.... please guys can I get some advice
