Is this a deal with the devil or a genuine opportunity for more time with my kids?

Vidar said:
Basically what she has asked is for me to move back to her town, so I can have the kids (both at school age) more, to basically look after them whenever she cannot without the need for them to move out of the area and to take our kids out of a school they love.
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The way I'd try and look at this is based on the worst happening if you did take her up on her offer.

Say you moved to her town and she suddenly had a change of heart and only allowed you to see the children as you do now. What're the negatives of this? To me, unless there is something better about your current town than her's there are none. You'd be in the same situation but in a different place.

Lastly, if she does lumber you with the children to the point where it stops you being able to positively alter your life e.g. get a job and start progressing, you could always try and change the situation back to what it is now.

Look at this based on what you get out of it and not what she's getting as that's irrelevant.
 
Ignore her motivations, they don't matter to you.

Sit down and work out exactly what difference this proposal would make to YOU.

Can you afford it? Will you be better off or worse off?

If you can do it with a minimum of deficit, then extra time with your kids makes up for a lot.
 
Malc said:
The way I'd try and look at this is based on the worst happening if you did take her up on her offer.

Say you moved to her town and she suddenly had a change of heart and only allowed you to see the children as you do now. What're the negatives of this? To me, unless there is something better about your current town than her's there are none. You'd be in the same situation but in a different place.

Lastly, if she does lumber you with the children to the point where it stops you being able to positively alter your life e.g. get a job and start progressing, you could always try and change the situation back to what it is now.

Look at this based on what you get out of it and not what she's getting as that's irrelevant.
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Not to mention, if he does end up "lumbered" with the kids, he'd actually be eligible for more state help...
 
Perhaps she's banking on him being being unemployed in 7 months from now. Tell her you expect to be working and would only be able to do hours xyz anyway and see how she reacts.
 
I can imagine this turning into a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, OP. I remember reading your previous thread about what was going on and I know I doubt I would have been able to get through it as well as you did.

Either way, only you really know what your ex is like and what she is likely to do in either of the situations. Having extra access to the children I know means a massive amount to you so I can understand why this is going to be such a massive decision to make.

All the best OP :)
 
She's definitely using you but you may be able to benefit too. So strongly consider it but do it on your own terms and what works for you, including future employment etc. Don't be tackled advantage of but do see if you can move to an arrangement that YOU are happy with.
 
Efour said:
As other have said really..... but you get time with the kids.. Isn't that what you wanted ?
Have to take the rough with the smooth.

It is a mutually beneficial situation for you both at the end of the day.

Its not about revenge, or one-upmanship.
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but the OP should keep this in mind and not get forced into looking after the kids at her whim because she wants sexy time with her BF or feeling like he has to constantly have them or she might cut his access off.


get a proper agreement sorted imo so it's all laid out upfront when you will see the kids, also I'm sure your kids would be happier with it planned out ahead knowing exactly who will be looking after them when
 
With Efour's outlook is exactly what the b1tch wants and he would be playing right into her hands even though he will get to see his kids for a time.

She knows this and thinks he will not "bite his nose off to spite his face" as he will want to see his kids and is playing on it big time.

She did not want him with them before until this new training/career took her fancy.

What happens when he has to work though or is he to stay idle, is she going to pay him £500+ per month like my mate pays his ex G/F for 2kids?

You could legally make her let you see your kids without becoming a full time nanny for her when it suits her.

Here, try this :


cuntpunch.gif
 
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I've thought about this again and I really think she is taking the pee. One you agree to it you won't be able to work. You will need to drop the kids to school and pick them up again at about 3pm every day. You can’t fit a job in around that so will be locking yourself down without hope of improving yourself - so that she can build a life for herself with someone else. Also what is the comment about her agreeing to not let child benefits payments affect your disability payments?

She is holding access to your kids over you by helping with debts, to get her own way. Her threat of being forced to move the kids in with another man is vile and she will probably do it anyway when you've moves closer.
 
Hades said:
I've thought about this again and I really think she is taking the pee. One you agree to it you won't be able to work. You will need to drop the kids to school and pick them up again at about 3pm every day. You can’t fit a job in around that so will be locking yourself down without hope of improving yourself - so that she can build a life for herself with someone else. Also what is the comment about her agreeing to not let child benefits payments affect your disability payments?

She is holding access to your kids over you by helping with debts, to get her own way. Her threat of being forced to move the kids in with another man is vile and she will probably do it anyway when you've moves closer.
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This. +1
 
The big issue with a set agreement though is that as a student nurse working different shift patterns on a week by week basis including earlies, lates and nights having a set agreement of contact would be impossible.

But that is a big concern, I don't want to be her babysitter so that she can go out and do what she wants when she wants. But how do I enforce boundaries in a situation like this? I'm utterly perplexed, I want to be there for my kids as much as I can and this could be a great thing but I don't want to be a door mat.
 
She is using you.

And it has nothing to do with the kids - She is just using them as an additional bargaining tool, as she knows you would just tell her to do one if they weren't there.


What happens if she starts the course - and gets fed up after 3 months.

Will she expect you to just leave town - and go back to your original meeting times ?


If possible - I would cut out the small talk on the phone with her. She isn't your friend.

Treat her like a professional business partner & Deal with the issue of getting more time time with the kids - nothing else. If that is the only thing you are interested in - which I doubt by the sounds of it, agree to more time on your terms and see what she says.

Getting you to move town and pay for your debts ...... just no.
 
Heliospherez said:
She is using you.

And it has nothing to do with the kids - She is just using them as an additional bargaining tool, as she knows you would just tell her to do one if they weren't there.


What happens if she starts the course - and gets fed up after 3 months.

Will she expect you to just leave town - and go back to your original meeting times ?


If possible - I would cut out the small talk on the phone with her. She isn't your friend.

Treat her like a professional business partner & Deal with the issue of getting more time time with the kids - nothing else. If that is the only thing you are interested in - which I doubt by the sounds of it, agree to more time on your terms and see what she says.

Getting you to move town and pay for your debts ...... just no.
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TommyV said:
^ Helio speaks absolute sense!

Get something in writing/documented to that effect should she decide to pack in her course!
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Yup this - ignore glen8 who obviously hasn't read the whole context of your message as she is clearly using you, and as above, your children as leverage. You'll be tossed to the side again when the time suits her. Stay your distance and try other means with regards to getting more time with your children.

Any agreement needs to be recorded and in writing imho.
 
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