Life just took a divebomb - 8 Years down the pan.

Always a sad to hear about this sort of thing. These feelings will lessen over time and you will adapt. Living on your own is a strange thing but can provide you with a great amount of space that, once your used to it, you may not want to come back from.

as for the, extra time. It may of been her way of giving it one last chance before deciding what to do. Or her way of giving you a parting gift before cleaning out the house. regardless of that I dont like how she did this, you have every right to know why she left.

frankly I would be asking her why, regardless of her "dont contact me" statement. It's just plain rude, not to mention disrespectful of the 8 apparently good years of relationship you both shared.

If you need to talk, I am here, or if you want you can trust me. might reply a little slow as I am at work, but I am here for ya.

More advice please.

All the replies have really helped gain perspective on this (as much as I can so close to the horrid event) however i'm worried about when I see her to get the explanation. My attitude to her since reading this thread has changed, I see how cowardly and selfish she has been so feel like I could be a right **** to her. What would it achieve?

I am still fearful of seeing her and breaking down and trying to get her back.. I really am unsure how to approach it.
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as for trying to get her back... I hate to say this, but I think that may be a bit of a bad move, she has made her choice and even if you get her back. She may do this all over again. Just be calm as you can and ask her straight. Why? that's all you need to do. When you find that out, you can start putting this whole situation to rest.
 
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Can I ask if you have ever had counseling?

Reason I ask is that you say you suffer from depression and low self-esteem, it may be worth going.

I did it when I noticed that I have an issue with conflict. Whenever people start to argue or if I think someone is going to kick off, I start to feel very ill / dizzy etc and it hampered my ability to stand up for myself and also others.

I went to counseling it has defiantly helped me so I suggest you look up counseling centers near you to help you cope with the emotions that you're dealing with right now.
 
Really sorry to hear that OP, I'm sure there isn't much that people can say to make you feel better especially if it was such a big surprise. Better for it to happen now though that another 8 years down the line.

Use your time to focus on yourself a bit and do something you want to do, it'll take time but you will move on :)
 
She's somebody else's problem now.

And I would consider her a problem, look what she's done to you.

Read a good article recently about a 42 year old woman living in regret. She bailed on her long term love because she felt she deserved more.

People often mistake happiness as a constant, when in reality it's the top end of a forever swinging pendulum. Contentment is the ultimate thing to strive for.

Your at the lower end now, and your grief is currently a physical state. Once it passes you will enter on to reflection. This is the time to avoid another relationship, but the most common time to start one.

Write yourself a list of targets and see them through.

Start with this... 1) Move to a new flat

A lot of guys have been through the gutter like this. Had my house took off me in the past thanks to a neurotic psycho who felt she deserved the world but didn't want to work for it.

She's now an unhappy single mother with a child with difficulties. (Not mine! :-) ) All her doing. We create our own destiny, one way or the other.
 
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Arthur Hucksake said:
Start with this... 1) Move to a new flat
A lot of guys have been through the gutter like this. Had my house took off me in the past thanks to a neurotic psycho who felt she deserved the world but didn't want to work for it.

She's now an unhappy single mother with a child with difficulties. (Not mine! :-) ) All her doing. We create our own destiny, one way or the other.
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very inportant step there too, since you cant afford to live there anymore :)
 
Women sometimes do crazy things, My step mum recently just upped and walked out on my dad in a very similar fashion except this time there was a Mortgage, 2 kids and a business involved.

Things you can do about this.

1)Focus on the good things in your Life I.E Your job, Your health (I know you have depression ETC but you are still healthy)

2)Get a new flat, It will do you good for a number of reasons and the main one is not moping around the place you used to share with the woman who just left you

3) DO NOT under any circumstances get back with this Woman, She has walked out on you once with no explanation which means she can do it again at any point which if I am not mistaken will be at the forefront of your mind and will essentially ruin any attempt you have at staying with

4) Focus on yourself for a while, Hit the gym hard, Work hard, Study Hard, Party hard and SEEK HELP for the depression. Talking to someone outside of the situation who is trained to help with these things can and does work wonders (trust me on that one)

5)Do not punch the guy... It is a **** move on both of their parts but it will land you in trouble with the law (And potentially your job as some places are a tad awkward about their members of staff punching others in public but it all depends) You will feel instantly better and then about 10x worse. Also I know it looks likely to be this guy but it could be a coincidence that this has happened and he is off work and punching him for nothing will make you feel even worse.
 
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sorry to read this - sounds a horrible situation, but vent away on this thread, and as others have said, focus on something 'new' and distracting, even it seems boring - gym / new hobby - anything. it WILL help.

chin up ocuk'er !
 
Sorry to hear this. A similar thing happened to me a good few years back. I was living with my ex, in her house that she owned. One day, only a week or so after coming to visit my all my extended family in Ireland she decided to can 4 and a half years of relationship. I was pretty devastated at the time, and she asked me to leave the house, so I had to go and find somewhere else to live, which made things a bit tougher.

I ended up taking a week off work, went home to mummy and daddy and came back with a plan. I just threw myself into work and the gym and tried to surround myself with friends, both at work and outside. After a couple of months the pain had subsided enough to start to think about properly enjoying life again. After 6 months I met my wife to whom I got married just over a year ago, on the 5th anniversary of the day we first met. We are expecting our first child in a little over 2 months and couldn't be happier.

Stuff like this hurts like hell, but things can and do get better. Time is a great healer, just try to minimise the amount of time spent "navel gazing" and mulling it all over in your head.

I can't stress how much hard exercise will help, all those endorphins give you a lift and you feel better about yourself as you see improvements in your fitness/body. Plus, at the gym there is always the added bonus of slightly sweaty women in yoga pants and crop tops grunting in all sorts of strange positions to take you mind off the ex ;).
 
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Hey guys.

I'm in a bad place. I'm starting to annoy myself by posting again and again. Today at work was good, I wasn't the only guy on and its a relaxed shift so we sat in the office and chatted. I felt fine most of the time until I got home and a few hours passed.

I expected to hear from her today so I could get this over with, alas no. I am tired but can't sleep, again the despair of being alone. I think it's the fact I don't know what each day will hold and how low I will get. I can't deny the thoughts that have been in my head, however there is something there that tells me I can't do it, which I suppose is a good thing.

I've been thinking anyhow.
Advice please!
What are my options with regards to her and this flat? We're both on the tenacy agreement. I intend to get away during my two weeks off but the risk of her and this guy coming here and removing more stuff or even living here (Who knows after whats happened?!).
Can I get her removed from the tenacy agreement? I have contacted the Landlord about it but she may not reply and I want to be prepared if *She* turns up before then.

I was intending to get the keys off of her when I would see her aswell as moving all bills over to my name. Things like the Virgin Media subscription. It has to be done right? Any idea how hard this is?

I've talked to the landlady and she's coming over late Thursday to check the flat out so she knows what damage there is and what needs to be done before I can move out in December.

I just need all possiblities acounted for but have never dealt with such legalities and I want to be prepared so I can get on with it and not be messing about with her.

Cheers friends.

P.S what happened to the Colchester folk?
 
Castiel said:
Indeed, what might have riled me up to a fight when I was 15-20 (pretty much anything tbh) I now just find irritating and ignore..like you say, shoving the proverbial instead is just as satisfying.
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You may be disappointed, but I was actually advocating the occasional merits of sticking up for oneself by the necessary means. Stepping back and letting people walk all over you in the name of taking the moral high-ground achieves literally nothing and can be completely self defeating. As angelic as I am and will always try to be, I'm becoming more inclined to treat others as I would like to be treated AND treat others as they treat myself.

Edit - see below.
 
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Nitefly said:
You may be disappointed, but I was actually advocating the merits of revenge. Stepping back and letting people walk all over you in the name of taking the moral high-ground achieves literally nothing. As angelic as I am and will always try to be, I'm becoming more inclined to treat others as I would like to be treated AND treat others as they treat myself.
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I've thought about this a lot myself. I could call her all the names under the sun and be a right ***** but wouldn't it just make me look like she's truly destroyed me? But then again, why would she care either way?

If I stay neutral, be honest and get all the formalities done I highly doubt she'l go away thinking "Oh he's coping well, i didn't expect that".. What difference would it make?

Because really, she has destroyed me at this time (not to say I won't recover and become a stronger person) but the truth is she has done one of the most terrible things I could imagine and I was smitten with her, even planning to get married (dodged a bullet?). Does she need to know the damage she's done?

What difference does any of this make?
 
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David_VI said:
I've thought about this a lot myself. I could call her all the names under the sun and be a right ***** but wouldn't it just make me look like she's truly destroyed me? But then again, why would she care either way?

If I stay neutral, be honest and get all the formalities done I highly doubt she'l go away thinking "Oh he's coping well, i didn't expect that".. What difference would it make?
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I was raising my own general thoughts off the back of Castiel's comments and I certainly wasn't advancing any course of action for your own situation.
 
Nitefly said:
You may be disappointed, but I was actually advocating the occasional merits of sticking up for oneself by the necessary means. Stepping back and letting people walk all over you in the name of taking the moral high-ground achieves literally nothing and can be completely self defeating. As angelic as I am and will always try to be, I'm becoming more inclined to treat others as I would like to be treated AND treat others as they treat myself.

Edit - see below.
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Agreed, which is what I was getting at originally. Sometimes a punch on the nose is exactly the right response, standing up for yourself sometimes requires a more direct response. I'm just far less likely to think its the right response the older I get....lazy and better using other less direct means I guess.
 
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I hate making terrible posts. This edit captures my thoughts more accurately:

Nitefly said:
I was actually advocating the merits of taking positive action so as to stand up for yourself. I find that stepping back and letting people walk all over you in the name of taking the moral high-ground can be completely self defeating. I'm becoming more inclined to treat others as I would like to be treated AND treat others as they treat myself.
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Is there a joint tenancy on the property?

Ask her how she should would like to pay for her half of the the rent and anything else you're both liable for.
 
David_VI said:
Hey guys.

I'm in a bad place. I'm starting to annoy myself by posting again and again. Today at work was good, I wasn't the only guy on and its a relaxed shift so we sat in the office and chatted. I felt fine most of the time until I got home and a few hours passed.

I expected to hear from her today so I could get this over with, alas no. I am tired but can't sleep, again the despair of being alone. I think it's the fact I don't know what each day will hold and how low I will get. I can't deny the thoughts that have been in my head, however there is something there that tells me I can't do it, which I suppose is a good thing.

I've been thinking anyhow.
Advice please!
What are my options with regards to her and this flat? We're both on the tenacy agreement. I intend to get away during my two weeks off but the risk of her and this guy coming here and removing more stuff or even living here (Who knows after whats happened?!).
Can I get her removed from the tenacy agreement? I have contacted the Landlord about it but she may not reply and I want to be prepared if *She* turns up before then.

I was intending to get the keys off of her when I would see her aswell as moving all bills over to my name. Things like the Virgin Media subscription. It has to be done right? Any idea how hard this is?

I've talked to the landlady and she's coming over late Thursday to check the flat out so she knows what damage there is and what needs to be done before I can move out in December.

I just need all possiblities acounted for but have never dealt with such legalities and I want to be prepared so I can get on with it and not be messing about with her.

Cheers friends.

P.S what happened to the Colchester folk?
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Most places won't allow the changing of names on packages unless it's for legal reasons such as change of name by deed poll, death, Power of Attorney being granted etc. so you may be forced into a new contract. While this may mean nice new customer offers it also means an 18 month contract in the case of VM. If you're open to having Sky send me a trust and I can sort out a Friends and Family offer on the Sky. If everything is in her name then take Meter readings and say she moved out and you've moved in if you like!

If the landlord is amenable then she may remove her name from the tenancy but that's unlikely as it could lead to trouble with the deposit later. As it only has a few months to run and you don't plan on staying I find it unlikely this will happen. I would discuss with the landlord about changing the locks though. If you're going away who's to say she hasn't made a copy of the key and could come in while you're away, remove her items and completely trash the place and forfeit your deposit?
 
Castiel said:
Agreed, which is what I was getting at originally. Sometimes a punch on the nose is exactly the right response, standing up for yourself sometimes requires a more direct response. I'm just far less likely to think its the right response the older I get....lazy I guess.
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Ah, we are on the same wavelength then, but I think I'm becoming far less tolerant of bull, or rather I'm more willing to do something about it.
 
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