Life just took a divebomb - 8 Years down the pan.

Rexton said:
OP- you want to hear from her because you want answers.

But you already know the answer you're looking for- she wasn't good enough for you.

After 8 years, she didnt have the sincerity to give you a real goodbye- she will regret this in the future all while you have moved on.

You will find somebody who does deserve you- and you'll find you don't have a need for those meds.

I know it's hard to see now, but you will. You are better than her.
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+1
 
Casdawer said:
Can I ask if you have ever had counseling?

Reason I ask is that you say you suffer from depression and low self-esteem, it may be worth going.

I did it when I noticed that I have an issue with conflict. Whenever people start to argue or if I think someone is going to kick off, I start to feel very ill / dizzy etc and it hampered my ability to stand up for myself and also others.

I went to counseling it has defiantly helped me so I suggest you look up counseling centers near you to help you cope with the emotions that you're dealing with right now.
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I've been in and out of minor services since early teens but nothing ever helped. She has had counselling for many years however..

Rexton said:
OP- you want to hear from her because you want answers.

But you already know the answer you're looking for- she wasn't good enough for you.

After 8 years, she didnt have the sincerity to give you a real goodbye- she will regret this in the future all while you have moved on.

You will find somebody who does deserve you- and you'll find you don't have a need for those meds.

I know it's hard to see now, but you will. You are better than her.
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Someone sussed me perfectly in an email, I am insecure and needy. I have never been on my own for more than a few months since I was an early teen. I know she wasn't good enough after this has happened but before I thought we fit perfectly, just needed issues ironed out like communication, as you can tell from this thread i'm an extremely open and honest guy, she however didn't talk to me about things most of the time.. So yes that's my fault, maybe I am a bad listener most of the time.. She at least would listen to me. But I was always aware of this and tried to get her to talk.

Insecure and needy for over 15 years, I've always known it yet and it's bothered me but i've never managed to fix it. This is probably why I am struggling now with the thought of being alone because now i've matured a lot and been off the scene for 8 years I feel I couldn't get anyone else and even if I could I would have the fear of this happening again.. Because I am me.

cheesyboy said:
Externalising your problems is a great way to feel weak and powerless. "All the bad stuff is someone else's fault, I can't do anything about the bad stuff in my life".

Some self-reflection at the end of relationships is healthy, and necessary to move onwards and upwards. Take ownership of your problems - things happen because you make them: that means you have the power to improve your lot.

Sounds like OP and his ex have some issues. OP can't do much about his ex's, but he can do something about his own.

OP: she left you because you weren't what she wanted. Some of this will be due to her, some due to you. Her leaving in your absence could be lack of respect on her part, or a fear of your reaction. "she knows I wouldn't let her go" you said in one of your posts - there's a pretty big reason right there.

Anyway. I wish good luck with straightening yourself out after a pretty traumatic event.
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Trying to be positive about myself. I hope to believe that this is on the most hand her fault (ignoring her disgusting way of ending it) because I always talked to her.. I tried to get honesty out of her but didn't succeed, now I may be **** at caring and be selfish a lot but in 8 years you'd think she would have spoken up about it properly instead of leaving it till she had to get out in the most disgraceful way.
 
David_VI said:
[..]
My pal at work told me it's extremely easy to put a new Yale lock in, so after seeing her tomorrow I will decide and possibly get a new lock on Thursday.
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Your pal is right. You don't even have to change the whole thing. The internals are a seperate piece so you can change just that. It's pretty much a matter of taking the existing one out and putting the new one in. No drilling, etc. As long as you have access to the back of the lock (i.e. you're not locked out) it's a doddle. Screwdriver and possibly something to cut a thin piece of metal (very thin - you might even be able to do it with heavy scissors and you'll certainly be able to do it with a cheap hacksaw).

There's a decent guide with handy pictures here:
http://www.diydoctor.org.uk/projects/changinglockbarrel.htm

You'll probably find them labelled as night latches in a shop - they're not really entirely locks because they do almost nothing to stop a forced entry. I called a locksmith out one night when I'd left my keys at work. It took him under 30s to walk from his van and into my house without doing any damage at all. I replaced it with a BS 3621 compliant mortice lock the next time I had a day off (which is not a doddle - I should have hired someone who knew what they were doing and had the right tools).
 
I feel your pain man... concentrate on work, get that money and do something to take your mind off her... a hobby perhaps? PS4 / PC gaming ftw! Just get it in your mind that it is over and you can and will do better that that tramp. Lock her off and get on with your life. I know its hard at the moment but it will get better with time.
 
Er, well I don't know what to say. I feel a lot if not all of you guys are going to feel this is a cop out or something.

I thought every possible scenario was in my head. Me breaking down, begging... Being an absolute **** to her, her being cold and horrid to me..

I'll just be honest..

She turned up, looked somewhat sad not like this was an inconvience to her. I said hi, she asked how the hamsters are.. I said I was taking custody of them (In a joking tone even though I am!).

She looked teary without being teary.

We talked, nothing about what I had planned and written notes on such as the flat, bills etc.

She came across extremely honest and I guess you guys may not believe me but I actually believed her..

It's hard to explain, because it's obviously not as clear cut and we didn't have much time but, yes she left. She's been staying at a friends mums (Who she used to work for, the mum I mean) and her stuff is all in different places (her mums, her friends etc).

Truth is (according to her and I believe it, I just know if she was lying) this guy did help her, but nothing went on between them, three of them went away for the weekend, she got stuck up a mountain (she's covered in bruises and its evident she was been walking a lot)...
The fact is she didn't touch this guy. She knows he wanted her and it upsets her as she said she knows guys aren't genuine and he was there for her because he wanted her. He hasn't tried anything, just been a friend but she has noticed advances however they haven't been physical.

She was crazy that night and it's a blur, she had him helping along with two other guys. She wanted it over but she does love me, she does care.. As I said she just has problems. To get through it she has been on so many drugs (prescription) and her doses of what she was on were doubled.

No, we're not back together. But the whole thing was extremely civil, almost weird normal. We shed a few tears and laughed too.

She said it wasn't my fault and I did admit I know my problems, she's just not happy and its not neccesarly me, I just may not have helped and even so I probably can't help her, its down to her.

Again, it was so civil and normal. I told her parts of me hate her and I really want to be angry at her but just can't. I still told her the truth about what she did to me and she knows it was selfish but knew no other way. She was so honest and I have no reason to think she was lying.

The planning and breakup, when did it start?
Okay remember I said about seeing her phone and her lying to me? That is when this escalated. Apparently she wondered why the hell she even lied to me as there was nothing to hide and it messed with her. The fact she lied told her things I guess and she hated herself.. It just got worse. As I said, her stuff is in various places, different friends houses.

About her treatment of me that week..
Apparently she tried to not be how she was but part of her mind was like "This is the last week i'll have with him" and she does love and care for me, she wasn't just doing it to mess with me although it did feel wrong. Afterall she was only leaving because she saw no other option and thought she cannot be happy (Its a cliche but literately it was her, not me). She always wondered why I was still with her because of the way she has treated me before (her mental health problems and such).

I just can't hate her. I hate what she's done but I still feel care for her and she seems to for me. She asked if I had been eating, checked the fridge and other things. It seemed genuine. As we ran out of time (She has appointment with her counsellor) she is going to come back on Saturday/Sunday and we're going to bury one of the hamsters and talk more.

She said she really really really wants to be friends with me but knows it doesn't work and wishes he could go away and 'fix herself' (if it were possible). She doesn't want to be in a relationship (this is why she is upset about the guy being ungenuine) because she would be the same with anyone.

She is going to pay her half of the rent till the end of the tenacy. Also agrees she should pay for the gifts I bought her in the last week as they were in a way obtained deceitfully.


This has thrown me totally. It was nothing like I expected. It is like closure of the best kind, it doesn't make sense but it's worked. It's down to you guys whether you believe the above. I know it seems stupid after all the things said in the previous pages. But I do know her (at least most of her) and I really don't believe she was lying to me.


Still shocked how well it went.. Like real adults eh :\
 
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Castiel said:
Nuke her from orbit....it's the I the only way.
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Your forum posts are deteriorating, before you know it you'll have [FG] in front of your name. ;)

Glad to hear it was all civil, keeping strong in situations like this is hard but by the sounds of it you're both going to benefit from being apart. As I said, don't ever rule anything out in the future, leave it amicably if possible.
 
Considering you've already caught her lying to you I don't see any reason why you believe what she's told you today. I guess you're still blinded by emotions.
 
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