Life just took a divebomb - 8 Years down the pan.

We have all been there, when men leave women they want to know why and men tell them that, when women leave men they close all contact.
The best thing really I know its hard is to forget her and go out have a good time.
 
I doubt I can really tell you much more than what others have already said, other than reinforcing what they've said.

It hurts like hell, and will continue to do so for a long time. However, it WILL get better.

Do go out, enjoy yourself, start new hobbies. Engross yourself in something. Try to set aside 20-30 mins to each day to look back at things, if you find things entering your mind outside of this time, remind yourself you have this time set aside. Reduce it over time.

The mind will make you remember the good times. Sit down, write a list of the bad things. Every time you feel like wanting to have her back, read this list.

Don't go out trying to smash every female that moves, it won't help. You'll just get emotionally attached when you're in a vulnerable state. Only when you're in a position that you don't want her back, do this.

I went through this a few years ago. It was horrible, I too posted on several threads on here (no idea if they're still here...). It helped a lot. Share your feelings, don't be scared, no one is going to judge you.
 
OP- you want to hear from her because you want answers.

But you already know the answer you're looking for- she wasn't good enough for you.

After 8 years, she didnt have the sincerity to give you a real goodbye- she will regret this in the future all while you have moved on.

You will find somebody who does deserve you- and you'll find you don't have a need for those meds.

I know it's hard to see now, but you will. You are better than her.
 
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Rexton said:
OP- you want to hear from her because you want answers.

But you already know the answer you're looking for- she wasn't good enough for you.

After 8 years, she didnt have the sincerity to give you a real goodbye- she will regret this in the future all while you have moved on.

You will find somebody who does deserve you- and you'll find you don't have a need for those meds.

I know it's hard to see now, but you will. You are better than her.
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This is actually amazing advice. And the man has hit the nail on the head.

The key point is "she wasn't good enough for you." Its always hard to try and rationalise this, but in reality its the truth.

The most important thing in your life right now is yourself. Do something that makes you happy. Don't look for answers as to the "why" - You don't need them. What you need is to take the steps to move on.

It will take time, and I cant guarantee it will be easy, but I CAN guarantee that it will get easier and things will get better.
 
adam cool dude said:
8 years with no marriage or kids? Maybe its just me but things were just not meant to work out.
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That's standard in today's generation. Look at the high percentage of single parents/broken families or divorce rates we have in the UK. Not everyone does, wants to have kid or get married.
 
You can either externalize this, or internalize it. I suggest the former rather than the latter, but obviously that is going to take some serious change in your mental attitude to whats happened.

I think you should get angry about it, pour your efforts into securing your property & the names on your bills for the last months of your tenancy (for peace of mind). Speak to your landlady in person and get her to help you out with this, make it clear this is very urgent and important to you. Severe all ties with this woman, like she has done to you.

Do not expect to get reasons or an explanation or even an apology from your ex. What she has done is despicable and cowardly, she will do everything to avoid admitting fault or explaining it because she knows how wrong she is.

It's going to take time to heal, in the meantime, whilst you are still ruminating and wondering how she could do this to you, try instead to think of your action plan, list the things in your head you need to do to get away from this mess. Do not let setbacks get you down, if you cannot change the locks for example, go out to B&Q and buy an extra lock to fit to your property. Start looking at new properties, you need to get out of that flat and anything that reminds you of her, dump her stuff too, she's doesn't deserve it back.

You need to stand up and fight, anyway you can, show this piece of **** you won't take it lying down, your better than her, you deserve better than that.
 
colzboppo said:
You can either externalize this, or internalize it. I suggest the former rather than the latter, but obviously that is going to take some serious change in your mental attitude to whats happened.

I think you should get angry about it, pour your efforts into securing your property & the names on your bills for the last months of your tenancy (for peace of mind). Speak to your landlady in person and get her to help you out with this, make it clear this is very urgent and important to you. Severe all ties with this woman, like she has done to you.

Do not expect to get reasons or an explanation or even an apology from your ex. What she has done is despicable and cowardly, she will do everything to avoid admitting fault or explaining it because she knows how wrong she is.

It's going to take time to heal, in the meantime, whilst you are still ruminating and wondering how she could do this to you, try instead to think of your action plan, list the things in your head you need to do to get away from this mess. Do not let setbacks get you down, if you cannot change the locks for example, go out to B&Q and buy an extra lock to fit to your property. Start looking at new properties, you need to get out of that flat and anything that reminds you of her, dump her stuff too, she's doesn't deserve it back.

You need to stand up and fight, anyway you can, show this piece of **** you won't take it lying down, your better than her, you deserve better than that.
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Externalising your problems is a great way to feel weak and powerless. "All the bad stuff is someone else's fault, I can't do anything about the bad stuff in my life".

Some self-reflection at the end of relationships is healthy, and necessary to move onwards and upwards. Take ownership of your problems - things happen because you make them: that means you have the power to improve your lot.

Sounds like OP and his ex have some issues. OP can't do much about his ex's, but he can do something about his own.

OP: she left you because you weren't what she wanted. Some of this will be due to her, some due to you. Her leaving in your absence could be lack of respect on her part, or a fear of your reaction. "she knows I wouldn't let her go" you said in one of your posts - there's a pretty big reason right there.

Anyway. I wish good luck with straightening yourself out after a pretty traumatic event.
 
I have had two relationships that have failed.

The first one lasted 4.5 years the last one 18 months.

Whilst it's an awful thing to feel heartbroken and to have a million questions without answers, they'll eat at you if you let them.

My recent ex girlfriend didn't answer some of my questions. I got a 3 line paragraph after sending an essay but I suspected a few things already.

Unfortunately, as the case always is, you will never get all the reasons why, she'll likely just put off meeting up and that is probably for the best.

I decided not to contact my ex girlfriend after the last message she sent me; which is now 3.5 weeks ago; I don't want to be a pest and whilst I may have a million questions why (because girls never give you an accurate explanation) I am moving on with my life. Doing a few things I have always wanted to do.

My advice is to write a bucket list then start doing things from it. I've had my bucket list for 2-3 months, because I had an inkling my ex girlfriend was going to break with me because there was something amiss and I was completely right.

If you have trouble making friends, go out of your comfort zone. Find new activities, maybe learn a martial art, take up new hobbies, go to meetup groups with your hobbies.

Time will give you the opportunity to cope with whats happened and to eventually heal the damage.
 
Regarding the whole flat / tenancy thing:

If she is moving out and you had a joint agreement with your landlord, including deposits etc, bear in mind she will ask for her half of the deposit back then your landlord will expect you to pay up to replace her half.
In my case this was increased to take into account my altered rent pcm. My rent went up so I had to make up the deposit (half of 1 months rent) plus the difference with the new pcm rate.

As for the transfer of other bills. I generally found utilities and services to be pretty unhelpful in this respect. It was less of 'taking over' the existing bills in your name only, and more a case of settling any outstanding payments to a final date, then starting all new bills in your name. Basically expect to have to set up all new accounts for everything you had a joint signatory for.

I had a particularly nasty shock when my ex closed our joint bank account which stuffed several DD I had running for bills. More for the inconvenience of it than than anything else.

Yes... she was pretty sure about cutting herself off post haste, severing all ties as quickly as possible.... then she'd ring me up crying and sobbing about how terrible she felt ....then I had her dad ring me to tell me to 'leave his daughter alone' because 'you know what I can be like....' wtf? she rang me ffs!

lol just thinking back on that whitens my knuckles with anger about how badly she regarded me. I even had a couple of birthday cards for two years after, with photos of us together and notes saying how she missed me and hoped I was alright.
I had to ring her mum and tell her to stop sending me that **** as she was no-longer my problem anymore.

Hehe, it threw me out of alignment into some pretty low-frequency patterns for a while there. But having said that, I'm a lot better off without her and have been for a long time.

You too will come to realise the same OP - high-frequency-tribe all the way.

It will do your self esteem a world of good to tell this woman to **** off and not speak to you again - don't wait for her to condescend to drop you a morsel of her regard (giving you reasons, or communicating over bills etc). Make the first move and tell her what will happen and when as far as the bills etc are concerned. Don't pose questions, make statements, not arguments and leave no room for her to try and discuss anything, then tell her to go and do one, preferably to her face.

Just walk away. Start thinking about yourself instead of her. Let go.
 
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David_VI said:
The fact she couldn't even tell me the truth, I am still left with unanswered questions...
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I feel for you, I really do, it's such poo situation to be in. However YOU NEED to start to look at it from the angle of the above quote.

She couldn't even tell you the truth, is some one who does that worth your time, your effort, your emotions? HELL NO. 8 years is a long time but you're going to have to get to that point and the sooner the better.

In the mean time, if you need to kick this guys ass and it ultimately makes you feel better about it all long term then thats upto you. I can't see it helping you and your ex gf getting back, she's found some one else and he may be able to help her and her 'issues', but we don't know her side of things.

Big manhug for you buddy! I do hope you get over this.
 
The only advice I'd give is speak to Relate. They're a charity that does free (or paid for if you want to queue jump) counselling sessions for people in relationships with issues and people like yourself who find themselves no longer in a relationship. Top people, give it a go.
 
cheesyboy said:
Externalising your problems is a great way to feel weak and powerless. "All the bad stuff is someone else's fault, I can't do anything about the bad stuff in my life".
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I didn't mean it in the regards to blame or reasons for what happened, I meant in rather than over-thinking and letting his emotions swirl in his head for days, to busy himself with actions to solve his immediate problems with tenancy, security, peace of mind etc, the worrying and other negative thought processes will happen anyway, just don't let them get in the way of what needs to be done to move on.
 
arknor said:
how come you never had kids in 8 years anyway? she never wanted any?
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adam cool dude said:
8 years with no marriage or kids? Maybe its just me but things were just not meant to work out.
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Captain Hindsight here, to say it's a pretty good job they didn't have kids, after all. Otherwise it would be more tragic due to a broken home for the young children, having divided loyalties, etc.

I've seen first hand how sometimes when marriages with kids go south, one of the parents can attempt to weaponise the children. Try to turn them hostile to the other parent. Tell them that the other parent never loved them or wanted the family to stay together. I've seen it and it's not pretty.
 
David_VI said:
I've thought about this a lot myself. I could call her all the names under the sun and be a right ***** but wouldn't it just make me look like she's truly destroyed me? But then again, why would she care either way?

If I stay neutral, be honest and get all the formalities done I highly doubt she'l go away thinking "Oh he's coping well, i didn't expect that".. What difference would it make?

Because really, she has destroyed me at this time (not to say I won't recover and become a stronger person) but the truth is she has done one of the most terrible things I could imagine and I was smitten with her, even planning to get married (dodged a bullet?). Does she need to know the damage she's done?

What difference does any of this make?
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You dodged a bullet mate. Take a deep breath, and realise this, and any time that you feel even the slightest twinge of remorse, remember this with crystal clear clarity - You. Dodged. A. Bullet.

It won't be easy and it might not be pretty to reclaim your sense of self-worth and dignity but it starts from YOU. Your "self" and your own goodness, your strength and actions as a man - and the counter-process of moving her as far as possible from that core that defines you - as you build yourself with stoic resolve into a new person. Act with prodigious discipline and let your thought process go full red pill for a while (reddit this). As someone dear to me once said - "in every situation lies an opportunity".

Find that opportunity now, claim it and exploit it to the max, and evolve into the guy who doesn't give a **** about someone who can stab you in the back so badly. Realise you are better off and thank the Lord there are no kids involved. Step back from yourself and understand who YOU are, without anyone else there.

TLDR: Focus on your self-improvement and realise what it is going to take to get there, then DO IT. This is not an easy road to follow but the sooner you get on it the less time you waste in a negative state. Get to positive my good man. Get to positive. I wish you luck.
 
FoxEye said:
Captain Hindsight here, to say it's a pretty good job they didn't have kids, after all. Otherwise it would be more tragic due to a broken home for the young children, having divided loyalties, etc.

I've seen first hand how sometimes when marriages with kids go south, one of the parents can attempt to weaponise the children. Try to turn them hostile to the other parent. Tell them that the other parent never loved them or wanted the family to stay together. I've seen it and it's not pretty.
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Lets be honest. The woman will weaponise the children. lol

Dudes are just happy to see the children they are paying excessive child support for.
 
OP - that sucks. But that's life sometimes.

2 cliches that I live my life by: "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "you never know what's around the corner".

You're gonna have some serious ups and downs in the coming weeks. Get ready for the totally euphoric moment you realize "I'm free! I can do whatever I want with whoever I want now!"....followed the next day by "I am totally alone in the world!" breakdowns. Just go with it.

Then, be prepared for the fact that any day (tomorrow, next week, next year, whenever) somebody will come crashing into your life just as suddenly as that girl left you. That's what life does. It's absurd.

Also, I'm with Castiel. Go punch the guy in the face if you want. You really think - in the grand scheme of things - slapping the sleazebag who took your girlfriend is anything to worry about? Jesus, he deserves it and probably expects it. Of course I'm not encouraging a true beating that would land you in trouble....I'm talking about a gentlemanly "take that, you cad!" sock on the nose. Of course, you have to also accept he is entitled to defend himself :)
 
Theres so many posts I want to reply to!

I got an email from her today saying "I appreiciate you need to talk to me" then a suggestion of weekend, to which I said no and said tomorrow due to planning to go away. So tomorrow at 1500 she will be here. I felt sick when I got her emails which is strange because I have been hoping she would come to talk.

At work today I had a ride out with my manager (as i'm newly passed out, every so many turns my manager will come out for a shunt with me).. It went okay till I did something that could cost me my job. It was close but I think the fact he knows what is going on made him not as worried. Afterall he did hang out in the office later in the day and have a joke and laugh (we share music tastes), even offered me to come over to his hot tub! (Cool manager). With regards to the ride out, I'll see when I get the written report tomorrow. But it was too close for comfort.

At work I wasn't too bad. We have a full roster so theres often a spare guy around (Like a cover shift) so there's at least two of us in the office and we split the workload.. = hours of nothing just chatting. But at somepoint I just dropped. I stayed at work 40minutes after my shift officially ended because I was scared of coming home.

One of the guys at work wanted next week off, so i've swapped one of my two weeks off and i'll now be working next week. I was in two minds about this but I figure its better to be at work.

On the flat I texted landlady and asked about getting her removed from the tenacy agreement as I don't want her to be able to turn up among other reasons. Landlady was unsure but I spoke to the letting agency (Who also had no clue as they apparently don't even manage the property) and their advice was to change the locks if she isn't willing to pay her half of the rent. I don't think theres anything in the contract that says about us having to pay 50% each so really with her gone, I can't do anything about it and just have to pay the rent.

My pal at work told me it's extremely easy to put a new Yale lock in, so after seeing her tomorrow I will decide and possibly get a new lock on Thursday.
 
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