Teen work/college law and advice

Third Opinion

Third Opinion

Third Opinion

Soldato
Joined
3 Jun 2005
Posts
5,365
Location
West Sussex
Hi guys,

I use to work in education but have been out of the loop for so long I am wondering if anyone can advise on the current law or maybe give me any suggestions.

Basically my step daughter left school to go to college. The course and college she chose was done for the wrong reasons, mainly because her girlfriend was going there (yes girlfriend).

After a few weeks at college her relationship broke up and she no longer wanted to attend. The course she was on was all wrong too as she did whatever she could get onto to go to that college. We also found out her attendance was diabolical and we agreed to let her leave providing she found a job or went to another college.

Since September she has just be loafing around. She says she wants to do A levels but I think that is more to keep us off her back rather than a serious educational choice.

My partner has been doing all she can to get her to get a job at least until she can enrol at another college.

She seems totally uninterested and refuses to look for anything other than part time work as she doesn't want it to effect her social life.

For my partner and I it is a huge financial strain as she constantly wants money for this and that and we have nothing coming in in the way of support. Her father refuses to help either.

As well as the concerns we have about the laziness/attitude we are not even certain it is legal for her not to be in work or training as laws have changed.

We have made appointments at the jobcentre and although she went in it later come out she just sat down in there and didn't attend the interview.

Anyone got any ideas about the law or any organisations that could help, both of us are very worried and feel we need some professional advice from somewhere.
 
You need to stop giving her money for sitting on her arse, and while we're on the subject of her arse you need to give her a swift kick and tell her you won't stand for it.

This is not some systemic problem, this is a parenting issue.
 
How old is she?

If she's older than 17, then there's no legal requirement for her to be in education.

You could try giving her an ultimatum - full time education or she starts paying her keep.

Don't give her money for any luxuries, if she wants them, she'll have to earn them (like the rest of us).

If she's over 18, then whilst you don't legally even need to put a roof over her head, I wouldn't suggest kicking her out, as that will bring it's own set of problems, however you're under no obligation to make her life comfortable.
 
pitchfork said:
You need to stop giving her money for sitting on her arse, and while we're on the subject of her arse you need to give her a swift kick and tell her you won't stand for it.

This is not some systemic problem, this is a parenting issue.
Click to expand...


Oh we agree that we have not dealt with it as we should have. But on the other hand there are limits to what you can do.

I bitterly opposed the college enrolment but the school, she as at it was the automatic place they were sent too. I tried to talk to the school but they were fully supportive of her decision.

My partner sits over her helping with job applications and driving her to interviews. Problem is we can't control if she chooses to flunk the interview.


I have cut off her mobile phone contract and now only give her money for essentials although the atmosphere in the house is now horrendous.

I will not let her lie in all day like she tries to but I have to work so I can't be supervising 24/7.

She uses the fact that my partner does not work as an excuse. Although my partner doesn't as she has an auto-immune disease and takes medication equivalent to chemo which makes her very sick for a good proportion of the week.

Sorry she is 16.
 
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Third Opinion said:
I have cut off her mobile phone contract and now only give her money for essentials although the atmosphere in the house is now horrendous.
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Essentials = food, and a very limited budget for clothes. She doesn't "need" anything else.

What's she doing in her room all day?

She doesn't "need" a TV, or access to Facebook, Youtube, etc...
 
Haggisman said:
Essentials = food, and a very limited budget for clothes. She doesn't "need" anything else.

What's she doing in her room all day?

She doesn't "need" a TV, or access to Facebook, Youtube, etc...
Click to expand...

Believe me it is just essentials now, I don't have the funds for anything more.

Parenting is certainly not my strong point as I have learned.

But we are not a benefit family. I work 5 nights a week, we only receive working tax credits like many other families. We pay full rent/council tax etc so I don't get where this something for nothing attitude has come from. My partner use to work full time for me when we had our business and only recently has not worked due to illness.

I am concerned about a few of her friends she has acquired since leaving school. They are young healthy people but think 16 hours a week is enough as there social life is far more important.

Literally we are tearing our hair out.
 
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Agree - cut off money/non essentials - see how long she last's lying around all day.

You/partner need to tough it out - sounds horrendous but don't cave under any circumstances - she will soon realise that she needs to do something to sort her life out.
 
Your partner should be claiming incapacity or disability if she's really too ill to work. And rightly so. You've paid in. Now get some back and whatever help and support you need. I know what it's like.
 
Third Opinion said:
She uses the fact that my partner does not work as an excuse. Although my partner doesn't as she has an auto-immune disease and takes medication equivalent to chemo which makes her very sick for a good proportion of the week.
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Do you think subconsciously she wishes to be at home to be by your partner and then coping with that feeling of being "burdened" by going out etc. There are never normally simple answers to these things and they usually have deep-seated causes that you need to resolve to find any potential solution.

However after playing that analysis angle I would also say that what a teenager wants and what they need are two different things but if you think you are going to get her to realise that at 16 then no way will you succeed.

At the end of the day you have to do what you can and then what you can't change you have to accept guilt free. The ideal solution imo would be for this lass to find a job where there is a social life attached to it and therefore slowly move her in the right direction. You have a devil of a job here and I hate to say this but you have to put you and your partner first let this thing pan out and if the relationship sours as a result (as they often do) then hold no regrets, or guilt and be waiting with open arms for when she wants to come back. And support for your partner she is too unfit to work.
 
Have you tried sitting her down and explaining the situation to her, calmly, and instead of having a parent <-> child conversation, treat it as an adult <-> adult conversation. Explain the effect it's having on you, your partner (her mother?) and the household finances.

By treating her like an adult, it may trigger her to realise she is one and to act accordingly, rather than defaulting to a childlike rebellious position.

If that fails however, then I think you're going to be stuck just having to stay strict and ride out the storm :(
 
Let her take the part time job, which will give her enough money to fund her social life.
Then pressure her into doing A-levels/college at the same time.
 
OhEsEcks said:
Your partner should be claiming incapacity or disability if she's really too ill to work. And rightly so. You've paid in. Now get some back and whatever help and support you need. I know what it's like.
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Well she is in the process of things. She will never get better, I hate going into the doctors hearing how bad the results are each time.

Still I support her, that is my choice and I do it without question. My partner doesn't sit around all day either. On good days in her health she is out and about for dog charities etc. The daughter wont even help with that.

We really feel failures as a young life is being thrown away and we cannot seem to change it.

I am also praying she does not get any Financial benefits as I think if she received money for nothing she would be even less motivated.
 
from the uk.gov website:
https://www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

basicly it's YOUR fault if she isn't in education of sorts or work. you are the one that will get done if she doesn't.

so says this...
https://www.gov.uk/school-attendance-absence/overview

which could land you with a fine or even prison if you can't/don't pay.

she doesn't get much of a choice as it's the law, just has to choose how she is going to continue learning and do it fast.
not knowing the law is no defence, so act fast. use the .gov website as proof to the child that she has to do what you say as she has no say in the matter other than choosing which learning she would like to do now.
 
logicfry said:
from the uk.gov website:
https://www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

basicly it's YOUR fault if she isn't in education of sorts or work. you are the one that will get done if she doesn't.

so says this...
https://www.gov.uk/school-attendance-absence/overview

which could land you with a fine or even prison if you can't/don't pay.

she doesn't get much of a choice as it's the law, just has to choose how she is going to continue learning and do it fast.
not knowing the law is no defence, so act fast. use the .gov website as proof to the child that she has to do what you say as she has no say in the matter other than choosing which learning she would like to do now.
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Wow, that is what I feared.

I need to get my size 10's on now and do some kicking. I accept the law is the law.

Seems the next 2 years are going to be a nightmare.
 
Sounds like she needs some compassion, unlike what the majority of the nobs here are suggesting; a harsh hand wont help this.

She's 16 an age that is difficult anyway, she's gay, which much have been hard to struggle with and likely still is and she has had an obviously difficult breakup with someone that she can relate to for (likely) the first time.

Now she's stuck at home with her parents who are on her case when she's trying to deal with a lot of other pressures and it sounds like her only release is socialising with her friends, again, understandably.

Empathise with her, sit down with your partner and discuss how you mean to go on in the future, incentivise her finding a job/course and let her know you're there to support her.

Treating her like a naughty teen will label her and will likely cause her to enable a self-fulfilling prophecy and she will become one.
 
CleverBalls said:
Sounds like she needs some compassion, unlike what the majority of the nobs here are suggesting; a harsh hand wont help this.

She's 16 an age that is difficult anyway, she's gay, which much have been hard to struggle with and likely still is and she has had an obviously difficult breakup with someone that she can relate to for (likely) the first time.

Now she's stuck at home with her parents who are on her case when she's trying to deal with a lot of other pressures and it sounds like her only release is socialising with her friends, again, understandably.

Empathise with her, sit down with your partner and discuss how you mean to go on in the future, incentivise her finding a job/course and let her know you're there to support her.

Treating her like a naughty teen will label her and will likely cause her to enable a self-fulfilling prophecy and she will become one.
Click to expand...

Sensible post ^
 
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