Being in a relationship with a workaholic

I used to be like this.

My g/f sat me down and told me how it makes her feel, i now make sure my work/life balance is better and i dedicate nearly all weekends to her now. I'm also pretty much packed up with work by 5pm and spent time with her.

You need to discuss your feelings with her, she is neglecting you and doesn't realise it.

My friend is an account manager and her phone is switched off at 4pm every day, not sure how she can work until 4am?
 
I have worked with many people like this. In my previous office based role, one of my colleagues doing the same job as me accrued 18 hours of lieu time in one month. I accrued none (in nearly five years) and the team average in a month was around 30 minutes per individual per month.

We have around 150 Account Managers out in the field. Some are similar to your partner in the way they work. I spend a lot of time with Account Managers in the field and in every instance of long hours / excessive commitment the causes are :
Poor planning and preparation
Scattergun approach to strategy
Zero time management
Inability to prioritise tasks
Lack of delegation - continually taking unecessary ownership of non value add tasks that should be being completed by other departments.

It can be a mightily difficult conversation to have if the person is a friend or loved one. People get very defensive and easily offended if you question their work approach so tread carefully.
I can see you have done work on personality types before, so you'll know all about the clashes that can occur between people who are predominantly "Sunshine Yellow" expressive types and "Cool Blue" analytical types.
Do you have a copy of her Insights profile or similar? Might come in handy :p

You have to address the situation but approach it with caution. A "you and I vs the problem" approach will likely be far better received than "Your job does my head in and you need to sort it out"

Good luck :)
 
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It's probably just for a while in this job? IF not, you knew that she was this way inclined with work - it's not fair for you to expect her to disrupt her career if she is doing well.

Sounds like you get on and things other than work are perfect. By all means have a chat, but do not start demanding her to stop doing this work if she enjoys it. Or plan some holidays together more regularly - then you can spend some quality time together.

It is probably worth explaining how you feel as maybe she just doesn't realise she is doing it if she is passionate about her work but don't go in on the attack or whinging - just be gentle with your explanation.
 
My Mrs does bonkers hours too. She gets up at 05:00 and isn't home until 19:00. It's doibly difficult because we have a 1 year old son and I have to travel for work.
I've just learned to accept that work is extremely important to her and have made adjustments to my own ways to accommodate it.
 
Plenty of people make these situations work but many don't the test though is when you have a family. Whilst you may be able to rationalise this it's a big ask to get a kid to understand that especially a young one.

My wife is doing research into this and there is a very good link between excessive work by parents and consequent social development disorders in children. This is negated largely when either one of the parents provides that bedrock of support by working around the child's needs but massively exacerbated when you have a situation where you have a mum who control the first 6 months of a kids life with "I'm the mother" and then deserts then with the "I have a right to work". If she wants to put here life first then that is her choice but you have to consider do you want to do the same and are you prepared to be the one to make the sacrifices.
 
I wouldn't be in a relationship with a workaholic purely because I reckon you've got to have a screw loose if you're a workaholic.

Never stick it in the crazy.
 
Understandable if the OP's other half was a key employee at a start-up, just started her own business or made a partner at a law firm.

Not so understandable for a basic account manager where you pretty much set your own schedule (know quite a few of them myself) most of the time.

Time for a chat.

If you're always going to come second to her job, you have a hard choice to make.
 
Skidder said:
Get her up the spout. My wife took her job in investment banks/hedge funds extremely seriously. I got her preggers and hey presto she is a stay at home mum who hasn't troubled herself with work for 6 years.
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this is the truth, once baby is on the way a sudden re-evaluation of what is important takes place!
 
I remember working with an israeli woman, basically she was saying that the native work ethic is 24/7 it's just a part of the day just like kids or going out to the restaurant.

The modern way is.. 24/7. However it's not really 24/7 work.. it's just switching between all the tasks in the daily life and work, sleep etc are all one..

The problem here is balance.. otherwise people work and they don't even get time to raise a family.. they're drones. CEOs have cottoned onto this - especially female CEOs.. they've learn that they need to apply balance and switch effortlessly between tasks.
Next problem is that constant switching is bad, so the CEO for fiat did a great interview.. basically he plans what he's doing a year in advance.. then works that plan for main (exceptions excluded). People know that they can arrange their communication in one and they can get things done when he's there in front of them.

Unfortunately.. kids are a law until their own...
 
Thanks for the input, everyone!

Skidder said:
Get her up the spout. My wife took her job in investment banks/hedge funds extremely seriously. I got her preggers and hey presto she is a stay at home mum who hasn't troubled herself with work for 6 years.
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I can imagine her being the type to have 3 months off and then get back to business.. Although I could be very wrong... But I don't think so.

Lopéz said:
I have worked with many people like this. In my previous office based role, one of my colleagues doing the same job as me accrued 18 hours of lieu time in one month. I accrued none (in nearly five years) and the team average in a month was around 30 minutes per individual per month.

We have around 150 Account Managers out in the field. Some are similar to your partner in the way they work. I spend a lot of time with Account Managers in the field and in every instance of long hours / excessive commitment the causes are :
Poor planning and preparation
Scattergun approach to strategy
Zero time management
Inability to prioritise tasks
Lack of delegation - continually taking unnecessary ownership of non value add tasks that should be being completed by other departments.

It can be a mightily difficult conversation to have if the person is a friend or loved one. People get very defensive and easily offended if you question their work approach so tread carefully.
I can see you have done work on personality types before, so you'll know all about the clashes that can occur between people who are predominantly "Sunshine Yellow" expressive types and "Cool Blue" analytical types.
Do you have a copy of her Insights profile or similar? Might come in handy :p

You have to address the situation but approach it with caution. A "you and I vs the problem" approach will likely be far better received than "Your job does my head in and you need to sort it out"

Good luck :)
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Thanks for this.. With regards to Insights, I know hers and she's read mine, but don't have a copy. It's an incredibly good thing to have though, and not even necessarily for work!

I can relate to a lot of what you've said though.. Taking ownership of non-value tasks hit home too.. She often says 'I have to do this', and when I ask why: 'Because I said I would'. As if she doesn't have enough to do :( It is a difficult conversation, and one I've tried to have on a couple of occasions - I'm a manager myself, so have a fairly good idea of how to approach situations delicately - but it never goes well. She's had a lot going on in her life over the past few years, which I completely get, but it still leaves me waiting at the end behind everything else. Sometimes it feels like spending time with me is just another 'task' that has been prioritised to the end of her list of other 'tasks' :(
 
Working efficient > Working longer.

I couldn't be with a workaholic because I value free time together too much. Have a chat OP, but remember she may not change, be that because she doesn't want to or can't.
 
Stuff said:
Any you guys/gals experienced it? We've been together for 2 years now, but work.. comes before everything. I've come to realise over this time that I'll always be 2nd choice.

Work starts at stupidly early in the morning due to getting up to get ready, travel, takes up the whole day, and then continues into the night after she gets home. It's a pretty well-paid job and I understand it takes commitment and dedication, but I know for a fact if I were doing it, I wouldn't be putting in that many hours; I'd have a life too. She has zero work/life balance.

I can't see this ever changing due to it simply being from culture and the way she's been brought up, but it's so hard to let go... I know the right answer is probably 'cut your losses and find someone who x, y and z', but it's a lot easier said than done :( We get on so so well, laugh a lot, etc. and there's absolutely nothing else I'd change about her. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. It's emotionally draining.
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benjii said:
You've answered your own question really. You need to sit down with her and voice your feelings, make her understand where you're coming from. Don't make it an ultimatum, but make sure she knows you're at the end of your tether. If she isn't willing to make any changes, then you know what needs to be done. I know that doesn't make it easier, but relationships are about give and take. There has to be balance for happiness, in all aspects of life.
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Bingo.
When you hit 40 and she's still the same and you've realised you've let life pass you by, you'll regret not saying something or doing something about it.
 
Why do you think the EU (France and Germany in particular) legislate working hours so heavily? People need to switch off, and nowadays people need help switching off.
 
Where did you meet this woman? Sounds like my type of woman.

OP talks of it being draining. Try being with women who do _nothing_ and cling onto you like a leech!
 
As others have said, she is probably either taking far longer to do her job than she should or she is taking on too much work / not delegating.

One of the issues with companies is that they will pile the work on till you are incapable of doing it. If they give you 10 hours of work for an 8 hour day and you stay 2 hours longer to complete it, suddenly that becomes the workload they expect you can handle. They will eventually start trying to add more to it and if you keep compensating by working longer hours you will just keep getting more work. Why wouldn't you. They give you work to complete and it gets done. They don't care how you are doing it.

Unless she is on stupid money then I doubt the hours she is doing are expected of her.
 
How many people are laying on their death bed saying, I'm so pleased I spent most of my life working?

How many people are laying on their death bed saying, I wish I had spent more time with my loved ones

If you had one day left to live, would you spend it working, or with the people you care about. That's the question.
 
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