It would be my decision too, but as the guy it isn't really as simple as that. It's one of those cruel facts of life. The guy has no say, but has to foot the bill, the woman can get rid of age wants, even if guy wants it. Simply due to having to carry it for 9 months
Abortion/termination - anyone ever had one?
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It would be my decision too, but as the guy it isn't really as simple as that. It's one of those cruel facts of life. The guy has no say, but has to foot the bill, the woman can get rid of age wants, even if guy wants it. Simply due to having to carry it for 9 months
Well, you're clearly not mature enough to have a child anyway.
Also, having a kid isn't the end of life you know.
Mixed.
I used to work in the warehouse for a big UK DIY company and its not a completely unusual story at all (from both the male and female perspective) - quite a lot of the temps working there were in the 16-20 range with plans to go off to university, etc. I've seen a fair few make it work (especially if their parents were supportive) even with going off to uni, etc. (though a bit harder for the mother in that regard).
Im not prepared to move in on the currently offered terms no, as it would make my life harder and more miserable too. I think Id be prepared to work at the relationship (living separately) IF she agreed that in time she could compromise.
If she said "thats fine, I'll compromise now - you can move in right away" I would refuse as she could quite easily change her mind again and I don't think rash decisions are ever the best solution.
I won't give in to make myself miserable, I would much rather be a single parent and continue living a life I enjoy. I also want to avoid resenting her as I truly do love this woman, she just makes it hard at times for me!
Time will tell on the outcome however, I think I'll need to make a trip to her house tomorrow to talk face-to-face.
Thanks, glad to know its more common than I originally thought then.
Don't get this thread locked.
I still really don't think this is about the op wanting or not the child
More the situation (and thus what the child might grow up within)
Is is somewhat about the money, but I'd be more concerned with the mother being supportive of the longer term goals or the op
If she is, and they work together, it's not ideal, but doable no doubt.
If she isn't..then probably not the person you want a child with
A face to face talk is good idea. You sound level headed, calm, open minded. Long as open mindedness doesn't lead to you getting pushed over. I can (and have) suffered due to not standing my ground. Not that anyone made me do anything just I didn't do what I wanted
I still really don't think this is about the op wanting or not the child
More the situation (and thus what the child might grow up within)
Is is somewhat about the money, but I'd be more concerned with the mother being supportive of the longer term goals or the op
If she is, and they work together, it's not ideal, but doable no doubt.
If she isn't..then probably not the person you want a child with
A face to face talk is good idea. You sound level headed, calm, open minded. Long as open mindedness doesn't lead to you getting pushed over. I can (and have) suffered due to not standing my ground. Not that anyone made me do anything just I didn't do what I wanted
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As a few other have said I think you need to really think about where you want the relationship to go and realistically expect it to go before anything else. If you think it's a possibility that things aren't going to work out and that you really aren't on the same page you need to make sure she is completely aware of that. Not in any way to blackmail her but it's only fair she is in full possession of the facts before she makes a final decision. She may well decide she wants to keep the baby and I think that's fair enough but her choice but it shouldn't rest solely on you being her life partner. After all you can still be there for her and the child without being in a romantic relationship with her.
As for her terms they aren't acceptable (or they wouldn't be to me). A relationship should be a partnership and based on respect. It's clearly neither at the moment. She needs to accept that there need to be compromises on both sides if you continue with the relationship.
I've never been in this unhappy position. However, as with many women I've had those scares where you think you might have fallen pregnant, but never was. I'm now at an age where having children is very unlikely, that said, I don't want to get pregnant for having children before it's too late sake. I don't wish any of those 'scares' had gone the other way. If I do ever have children I would want it to be when I was in a secure and stable relationship where both of us were on the same page* and both felt the same about having children. If that doesn't turn out to be the case, it's not the end of the world, life can be about more than that.
EDIT: *Emotionally not financially
As for her terms they aren't acceptable (or they wouldn't be to me). A relationship should be a partnership and based on respect. It's clearly neither at the moment. She needs to accept that there need to be compromises on both sides if you continue with the relationship.
I've never been in this unhappy position. However, as with many women I've had those scares where you think you might have fallen pregnant, but never was. I'm now at an age where having children is very unlikely, that said, I don't want to get pregnant for having children before it's too late sake. I don't wish any of those 'scares' had gone the other way. If I do ever have children I would want it to be when I was in a secure and stable relationship where both of us were on the same page* and both felt the same about having children. If that doesn't turn out to be the case, it's not the end of the world, life can be about more than that.
EDIT: *Emotionally not financially
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Soldato
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No, you are incorrect, condoms used properly over a period of months will still have a failure rate. Latex can fail, even without splitting. They quote 98% usually for condoms.
Splits can occur also. We've had this happen twice.
Morning after pills are also not always effective, they usually are, but not in every case due to a number of factors.
Soldato
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Women can whenever they like. Why dont they have to "Woman Up" ?
So what is considered acceptable then? Because of our issues (mentioned in an earlier post) we've been having weekly scans with our consultant and by week 8 all of the limbs and head were clearly discernible. The foetus was able to move them and itself around.
Thanks, can I assume you have been in a similar situation before?
^ I think you're probably right there, I think at this point in time Id rather we lived separate lives but still had the baby rather than move in under her jurisdiction with a baby or terminate and her to be like this in the future if it ever happened again.
I fear that I might but hope that I don't get pushed over in an aim to please everyone. In a perfect world I wouldn't even be considering wanting a termination but sadly I don't live in one of those at the moment!
I would want the relationship to go all the way, I really would. Although realistically as it stands right now and the position she is putting me in, I cant see how that is ever possible without some serious changes. I agree, her terms certainly are not acceptable.
I hope you get what you want from life, whether thats with or without children and thank you for your input.
I thought this girl was right for me, the plan was always to get my degree then settle down, but unfortunately thats not how its worked out.
Well I think thats sort of her ultimatum, she's 'making me' move in with her if I want to keep this child. Terminating the child is my answer to delaying that moving in (in a way) as Im not ready to commit to her like that.
I think the only thing I could suggest is that we agree that I won't move in until Im ready, I may or may not be ready by the time the baby is due (and if I'm not ready then Im simply not ready too, end of) and she would have to make serious changes for me to even consider moving in.
I've been through a similar decision although the circumstances were very different. I rarely talk about it and most people who know me aren't aware of it.
My wife was desperate for children and despite IVF we had difficulty getting pregnant. Finally she did and we had a beautiful daughter. A few months afterwards she wanted another even though I wasn't keen. She got pregnant very quickly this time but then had huge doubts that she wanted a second. It really stressed her out until she said she wanted an abortion. Having a daughter I didn't feel comfortable about it but did agree to it and we went ahead and had the abortion. It was a joint decision.
A year later she desperately wanted a second baby again and after talking about it we went ahead and had a second (no idea why we struggled for the first one).
I deeply regret having an abortion. Having two beautiful children I regret not giving that other potential child a chance at life (although if we had not done it then we wouldn't have my son of course). I could never have an abortion now. When I think about it I do feel bad about it.
I am certainly pro choice however. It should be up to each of us to decide.
My wife was desperate for children and despite IVF we had difficulty getting pregnant. Finally she did and we had a beautiful daughter. A few months afterwards she wanted another even though I wasn't keen. She got pregnant very quickly this time but then had huge doubts that she wanted a second. It really stressed her out until she said she wanted an abortion. Having a daughter I didn't feel comfortable about it but did agree to it and we went ahead and had the abortion. It was a joint decision.
A year later she desperately wanted a second baby again and after talking about it we went ahead and had a second (no idea why we struggled for the first one).
I deeply regret having an abortion. Having two beautiful children I regret not giving that other potential child a chance at life (although if we had not done it then we wouldn't have my son of course). I could never have an abortion now. When I think about it I do feel bad about it.
I am certainly pro choice however. It should be up to each of us to decide.
All I can offer OP is to say go with your gut feelings, they are usually the right ones.
I didn't want kids when my very short term GF started waving a stick with a blue line on it in front of me, adamant she was keeping it whatever the outcome.
I certainly don't ever think about the "what iffs" and how they might be different.
Have never really wanted kids and certainly not with her
Miraculously a week later she magically lost it... To be honest, the type of woman she turned out to be pretty much told me from the start that it was BS.
Cest la vie
My gut told me she was lying and she was.
Still single and still no kids and long may it continue.
I didn't want kids when my very short term GF started waving a stick with a blue line on it in front of me, adamant she was keeping it whatever the outcome.
I certainly don't ever think about the "what iffs" and how they might be different.
Have never really wanted kids and certainly not with her
Miraculously a week later she magically lost it... To be honest, the type of woman she turned out to be pretty much told me from the start that it was BS.
Cest la vie
My gut told me she was lying and she was.
Still single and still no kids and long may it continue.
When you say you deeply regret it, do you think about it often, does it play on your mind?
Thanks for sharing your story.
I doubt posting in GD for advice on this is going to work too well, especially when most of the guys here haven't even seen a vagina unless it's on their computer.
Anyway you don't really have a choice you have to support your girlfriends choice it's her body
Anyway you don't really have a choice you have to support your girlfriends choice it's her body
I think there has been a fairly broad spectrum of viewpoints in this thread - ultimately its upto him to make the best use of the information (and ultimately its really upto the mother anyhow).
Wouldn't say its was common but its certainly not a completely unusual situation and a common dilemma for those who had university, etc. all mapped out before the situation arose. I work with a girl at the moment (well would do if she wasn't on maternity leave) who was supposed to be off to uni this year and got pregnant instead - shes delayed going a year or two but still plans to go to my knowledge she is in a committed relationship though.
It doesn't "tear me apart" but it's like a little closed box at the back of my mind. It stays hidden 99% of the time until something reminds me about it. Then the box is unlocked for a few minutes and I feel guilty because it's the one thing in my life that I can't undo. I probably think about it at least once every month or two until I can close the box again. It was 11 years ago. If I didn't have kids I doubt it would would be something I regret. But I do have them and it sometimes reminds me.
Our circumstances were different to yours. We had been married for some time and were stable in the marriage at the time and also financially. So that wasn't too much of a concern.
A few years ago I helped a friend come to a decision about whether she wanted to keep a baby or not (the father left her when she got pregnant). She did keep it and doesn't regret it even though her life is very hard now.
Ultimately it's a decision for the pair of you and what is right or wrong for others will be different for you. Good luck. Happy to answer more questions.