Abortion/termination - anyone ever had one?
- Thread starter Spuddy
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Soldato
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Quite possibly. You may also need to face the fact there there may not be a pregnancy at all.
Her behaviour seems a little off if I am honest, and I have heard of women faking pregnancies in order to exert control over a partner. For her it could have all been a big test of your committment to her, nothing more than a charade, and in her mind you failed. Hence her abrupt change in heart and decision to cut you off.
Of course she may be genuinely pregnant and this entire situation a tragedy. It is hard to tell, but I guess the answers will come out in time. They always do.
We live and learn, and I hope you can move on from this and realise your ambitions. That said, some of the happiest people I know had unexpected pregnancies and changed their whole life for it. But everyone is different and you have to do what you feel is right with the decisions you do have some control over.
That's a pretty monstrous thing to do; I honestly have a hard time reconciling that people can actually do stuff like that.
Best of luck OP. If you've been on the end of a one way street and have now been given the chop with such finality, based on what has been said in this thread, perhaps the outcome is for the best in the long run.
Soldato
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I know, but it happens and is a 'thing'. I think some people are just unwell and need help or have some backwards opinions on how to make their relationship work. I am not saying this is the case for the OP, only that it can and does happen and people should be wary of it. You can easily buy fake "always positive" pregnancy tests along with fake ultrasound scans and even blow up bellies to wear under your clothes. Granted many are for prank purposes only but you can easily see how they could be misused for more devious purposes.
She wasn't faking it as we bought both the pregnancy tests together (unless she pre-planted them in Tesco!) ...
I feel horrendous today, managed to speak to her over the phone and apparently its all my fault for suggesting termination as a possibility in the first place. After talking to people in this thread and some kind folks in Trust messages (you know who you are - thank you) I was genuinely coming round to the idea of being a Dad, thinking of ways how I could make this work with a little careful planning. Then just to have it all taken away...
Makes it worse, because originally I only wanted the abortion if it was very early stages but she's got her abortion date and the baby will be around 7 weeks old at this point, resembling more a tiny little person with its own beating heart at this point... And not just a ball of cells. Those were the images flashing through my mind last night as I struggle to sleep.
Hindsight is a really wonderful thing. Im at my lowest possible point right now.
I feel horrendous today, managed to speak to her over the phone and apparently its all my fault for suggesting termination as a possibility in the first place. After talking to people in this thread and some kind folks in Trust messages (you know who you are - thank you) I was genuinely coming round to the idea of being a Dad, thinking of ways how I could make this work with a little careful planning. Then just to have it all taken away...
Makes it worse, because originally I only wanted the abortion if it was very early stages but she's got her abortion date and the baby will be around 7 weeks old at this point, resembling more a tiny little person with its own beating heart at this point... And not just a ball of cells. Those were the images flashing through my mind last night as I struggle to sleep.
Hindsight is a really wonderful thing. Im at my lowest possible point right now.
Soldato
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Life is a journey of ups and downs and you just have to roll with the punches as best you can. Is there a chance you could work things out? With emotions running high sometimes our decisions are not always good ones and the longer it is left to try and reconcile differences, the wider the gap can become.
Perhaps you both need to sit and evaluate what is really important in your life and what you want out of it and whether you can both achieve it.
Chin up mate.
https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/
Some counselling services here if you decide you need it.
Soldato
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..
Seriously, wishing you all the best. I'll remember you both when I'm praying.
Hope you've got some good off-forum support. Can't be an easy time by any means.
Yes. Ignore all of the armchair experts that suggest otherwise. We managed to pick it up on the doppler at 7 weeks!
Thank you, yes luckily I do have some good support. Despite losing the best one of them all, so cant exactly turn to her anymore.
It's not what you wanted (the baby that is) and it has only been the persuasion of posters on here that has allowed you to change your mind, which obviously you are entitled to do.
But on the whole, I think you were, in the beginning, right!
The timing wasn't
The financial security wasn't
But the biggest problem...
The girlfriend wasn't..
In time you will find someone more suitable, the timing will be better and you will never look back..
Onwards and upwards fella..
Oh and until then.. Double bag that badboy from now on
But on the whole, I think you were, in the beginning, right!
The timing wasn't
The financial security wasn't
But the biggest problem...
The girlfriend wasn't..
In time you will find someone more suitable, the timing will be better and you will never look back..
Onwards and upwards fella..
Oh and until then.. Double bag that badboy from now on
You're being a bit of a drama queen. There's nothing special about cells dividing as a result of a mix of two DNA's. Nothing was taken from you, you can have a child any time you and your partner want. Taking good care of them, putting 100% into raising, loving and educating them... that's another story.
If you have to fit a child into your busy schedule, you should probably not have one. Children should go first, period. Everything else should be a mile away in terms of importance.
Soldato
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The title of this thread made me think of the Christmas critter episode of South Park - Hail Satan!
Accidental pregnancies are surely the biggest shocks of all and for her to say she wants to keep it in and then put all the blame on you when you're scared and unsure is not fair. I hope you feel better over time but I think you have dodged a bullet with this. Given your circumstances and wish like many of us to be stable and secure, not finishing your degree!! before having a family it is not right at all what she has said and I hope she realises that over time.
Give her all the support RE going to the clinic and anything else she requires though.
Give her all the support RE going to the clinic and anything else she requires though.
Hate to be cynical - but you are pretty lucky with all this. If the tables were turned in that she wanted to keep it, you wanted not to you would have no choice but to become a dad and be financially beholden for a long long time.
At least this way round you are free to get on with the rest of you life. You may well look back and think what could have been but you can do it from a far better position.
I have two kids and love them to bits, but I had them with the woman I wanted to at a time I wanted to. I look back at my exes and am so so glad it didn't happen with them.
You are going through a hard time, but chin up, it will get better.
At least this way round you are free to get on with the rest of you life. You may well look back and think what could have been but you can do it from a far better position.
I have two kids and love them to bits, but I had them with the woman I wanted to at a time I wanted to. I look back at my exes and am so so glad it didn't happen with them.
You are going through a hard time, but chin up, it will get better.
I'm here because a friend directed me and just thought I'd give you a female perspective having been in a similar situation. Twice.
What's coming across loud and clear to me from your reaction is a sense of grief and loss over the baby and the relationship.
Someone above has given you a link to BPAS counselling. I'd give them a miss. When I had an abortion their counselling wasn't independent - they advised me that an abortion was my only option. They weren't interested in helping me with dealing with the emotional aftermath either. I guess it makes sense because BPAS make money from providing abortions; if your girlfriend has one on the NHS, then they will bill them for it. The NHS contracts out most of their abortion services to private providers.
When I fell pregnant a second time unexpectedly (and yes I know how contraception works, thanks) my experience of abortion meant that I simply couldn't face it again even though my husband was threatening to walk out on me if I didn't.
There is so much I could say, but what will suffice is this. My husband was adamant he didn't want a child - he spent the entire pregnancy in a state of depression while I was wracked with guilt. Our child is 11 and is the best thing that could ever have happened to us.
I think you BOTH need to remember that a pregnancy, even when it is planned (I went on to have more children) is scary and daunting. I don't want to join in the hatefest towards your girlfriend although I think she is sounding rather irrational and unreasonable, because I know what pregnancy hormones, especially early pregnancy hormones do to your brain. I go completely crazy when I'm pregnant. She'll likely be feeling like **** and incredibly defensive and vulnerable. She obviously wanted the baby too, which is why she seized on your positive feelings as affirmation.
Because she is vulnerable after previous relationship experience, she is obviously looking to tie you down into her Tcs & Cs because she is insecure. She wants to know that everything will be just perfect for the baby. That's understandable, but she needs to know that as a mother, having an abortion will hit her that much harder. She'll know precisely what it is she is losing.
Both of you need not to sweat the small stuff. I can see that the desk thing is important, I also get the devotion to your animals, but without sounding harsh, if you've had some of them since you're ten, they may not last much longer. Maybe you can come to some compromise, whereby you agree not to replace them when they're gone, but bring them with you anyway.
I think you have to tell her that you love her, you want to have the baby with her, but that she must understand that relationships are a series of compromises, that you have to work together. You both have to listen and be prepared to budge a bit of ground, although I think probably your own desk is a non-negotiable. But for heavens sakes? She's going to abort your baby because you'd like your own desk to work at and to sort out your career? That's not rational or reasonable and she needs someone to help her to understand that. There needs to be give and take. But then again do you also want to look back and think that you chose a cat/dog/hamster and your own personal working space over your son or daughter? I don't think that you would necessarily resent her or the situation in the end, but as I said, there needs to be compromise.
I do get that this is terrifying, going from being single into a full-on relationship with a child in a short space of time always is, but it does work for many people. You sometimes have to take a leap of faith. We're all encouraged to be so self-orientated these days.
In terms of the exams, as others have said, these can be flexible. Look, a newborn baby pretty much sleeps all day for the first 4 weeks and spends the majority of time only wanting its mother. Your job will be to make cups of tea, sympathetic noises etc. The 4 year old will be at school, so maybe help out on the school run, but newborns really aren't all that much trouble. They're pretty portable too. Her daughter can go to school, you get the girlfriend a nice cup of tea and breakfast, leave her to have a nap with the baby and go and cram a few hours study in. Most men only get 2 weeks paternity leave anyway, my husband didn't get any and I still coped. (I have 5 children, my youngest is 6 months and my husband was away for an entire week when he was 2 weeks old). Does she have other support? Everyone will be rushing to coo over her/baby and to help in any event. You won't suddenly have to do everything and she'll know what she's doing having done it before. It's not half as stressful second time round.
What your girlfriend needs to do is to stop attempting to create the perfect idealised domestic scenario (never going to happen) and instead take a breath and think about the fact that she's got a new life inside her. She needs to have a bit of faith and trust in you and take things a step at a time.
You need to apologise (even if you think you're 100% in the right) for making her feel insecure and if you did anything that made her feel pressured about having an abortion. These days, every single pregnant woman feels under pressure to make the right choice and there's so much cultural pressure out there telling us that the time has to be 'right' to have a child. Conditions must be perfect. It's bull****. When I was 7 weeks pregnant with my third child, my husband lost his job and we lost our house. It was tough, but don't regret for a moment not aborting that pregnancy. Our little girl started school last week. Because you can pretty much get an abortion for any reason these days, it's easy for a woman to feel coerced. I was gutted when my husband proposed abortion and moaned about the fact that men never have any choice in the matter. You have to win her trust and respect.
Please read the rules and fully star out all swearing in future. Thank you.
There's never a right time to have a baby. Sometimes you just to have to make the best out of what you've got and that's the mark of a real man - stepping up to the plate when you need to.
Sorry if that's a lecture, but all the hating on what is probably a very frightened, hormonally challenged and understandably-nuerotic woman (her world has been turned upside down too) was quite uncomfortable to read. I don't think she planned this - some of the most educated people I know have experienced unplanned pregnancies.
You will never regret having a child, but trust me, many many men and women do regret abortion, it's a very painful and traumatic thing.
Good Luck to you both.
What's coming across loud and clear to me from your reaction is a sense of grief and loss over the baby and the relationship.
Someone above has given you a link to BPAS counselling. I'd give them a miss. When I had an abortion their counselling wasn't independent - they advised me that an abortion was my only option. They weren't interested in helping me with dealing with the emotional aftermath either. I guess it makes sense because BPAS make money from providing abortions; if your girlfriend has one on the NHS, then they will bill them for it. The NHS contracts out most of their abortion services to private providers.
When I fell pregnant a second time unexpectedly (and yes I know how contraception works, thanks) my experience of abortion meant that I simply couldn't face it again even though my husband was threatening to walk out on me if I didn't.
There is so much I could say, but what will suffice is this. My husband was adamant he didn't want a child - he spent the entire pregnancy in a state of depression while I was wracked with guilt. Our child is 11 and is the best thing that could ever have happened to us.
I think you BOTH need to remember that a pregnancy, even when it is planned (I went on to have more children) is scary and daunting. I don't want to join in the hatefest towards your girlfriend although I think she is sounding rather irrational and unreasonable, because I know what pregnancy hormones, especially early pregnancy hormones do to your brain. I go completely crazy when I'm pregnant. She'll likely be feeling like **** and incredibly defensive and vulnerable. She obviously wanted the baby too, which is why she seized on your positive feelings as affirmation.
Because she is vulnerable after previous relationship experience, she is obviously looking to tie you down into her Tcs & Cs because she is insecure. She wants to know that everything will be just perfect for the baby. That's understandable, but she needs to know that as a mother, having an abortion will hit her that much harder. She'll know precisely what it is she is losing.
Both of you need not to sweat the small stuff. I can see that the desk thing is important, I also get the devotion to your animals, but without sounding harsh, if you've had some of them since you're ten, they may not last much longer. Maybe you can come to some compromise, whereby you agree not to replace them when they're gone, but bring them with you anyway.
I think you have to tell her that you love her, you want to have the baby with her, but that she must understand that relationships are a series of compromises, that you have to work together. You both have to listen and be prepared to budge a bit of ground, although I think probably your own desk is a non-negotiable. But for heavens sakes? She's going to abort your baby because you'd like your own desk to work at and to sort out your career? That's not rational or reasonable and she needs someone to help her to understand that. There needs to be give and take. But then again do you also want to look back and think that you chose a cat/dog/hamster and your own personal working space over your son or daughter? I don't think that you would necessarily resent her or the situation in the end, but as I said, there needs to be compromise.
I do get that this is terrifying, going from being single into a full-on relationship with a child in a short space of time always is, but it does work for many people. You sometimes have to take a leap of faith. We're all encouraged to be so self-orientated these days.
In terms of the exams, as others have said, these can be flexible. Look, a newborn baby pretty much sleeps all day for the first 4 weeks and spends the majority of time only wanting its mother. Your job will be to make cups of tea, sympathetic noises etc. The 4 year old will be at school, so maybe help out on the school run, but newborns really aren't all that much trouble. They're pretty portable too. Her daughter can go to school, you get the girlfriend a nice cup of tea and breakfast, leave her to have a nap with the baby and go and cram a few hours study in. Most men only get 2 weeks paternity leave anyway, my husband didn't get any and I still coped. (I have 5 children, my youngest is 6 months and my husband was away for an entire week when he was 2 weeks old). Does she have other support? Everyone will be rushing to coo over her/baby and to help in any event. You won't suddenly have to do everything and she'll know what she's doing having done it before. It's not half as stressful second time round.
What your girlfriend needs to do is to stop attempting to create the perfect idealised domestic scenario (never going to happen) and instead take a breath and think about the fact that she's got a new life inside her. She needs to have a bit of faith and trust in you and take things a step at a time.
You need to apologise (even if you think you're 100% in the right) for making her feel insecure and if you did anything that made her feel pressured about having an abortion. These days, every single pregnant woman feels under pressure to make the right choice and there's so much cultural pressure out there telling us that the time has to be 'right' to have a child. Conditions must be perfect. It's bull****. When I was 7 weeks pregnant with my third child, my husband lost his job and we lost our house. It was tough, but don't regret for a moment not aborting that pregnancy. Our little girl started school last week. Because you can pretty much get an abortion for any reason these days, it's easy for a woman to feel coerced. I was gutted when my husband proposed abortion and moaned about the fact that men never have any choice in the matter. You have to win her trust and respect.
Please read the rules and fully star out all swearing in future. Thank you.
There's never a right time to have a baby. Sometimes you just to have to make the best out of what you've got and that's the mark of a real man - stepping up to the plate when you need to.
Sorry if that's a lecture, but all the hating on what is probably a very frightened, hormonally challenged and understandably-nuerotic woman (her world has been turned upside down too) was quite uncomfortable to read. I don't think she planned this - some of the most educated people I know have experienced unplanned pregnancies.
You will never regret having a child, but trust me, many many men and women do regret abortion, it's a very painful and traumatic thing.
Good Luck to you both.
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