A friend losing his way in life & needs help.

[justintime2001]

A friend losing his way in life, what can I do? (hope this sort of thread is ok?)

I have a mate, married and in his early 50’s who has recently had a personality change. He has always had anger issues but they have grown out of all proportion. I have discovered that he has managed to get mixed up with a younger group of chaps who like their wacky backy and even the occasional Cocaine. It is almost like he has suddenly become schizophrenic and has 2 personalities. First he is the old ‘will do anything for you’ sort of chap and a few hours later he is shouting at his wife, calling her all the names under the sun and generally being nasty and verbally abusive to her. He also has a beef with the neighbours and has even told me he wants to kill them or ‘slit their throats’ as he put it. The next morning it's as if nothing has happened and he is all nice again.

It’s obviously drink or drugs related and he needs help and he certainly needs to see a doctor.
How on earth do I persuade or cajole him into seeking help before he ruins his life or someone else’s?

 

[Dis86]

Get to him justintime. Try talking. Find out why he's turning to drugs.

 

[justintime2001]

Get to him justintime. Try talking. Find out why he's turning to drugs.

Thanks Dis86; I have talked to him and will continue to do so.

Unfortunately he is in denial I think, having said that he did say he had been to the doctor and told the doc he is beyond help. I don't believe for one second he has actually been to the doctors as his story keeps changing. I also think he has suddenly become a compulsive liar which I assume is the result of drug taking.

 

[Gtiracer]

Trying to get someone to admit they need help is going to be the hardest thing

Tbh it'll probably only be when he reaches rock bottom that he realises what he's done that he'll be asking for help. If you try now you might as well approach a brick wall. All you can do is be there when it happens. But never say I told you so because it won't help

You could try mentioning stuff now about how you don't agree but I don't think you would get very far and he may alienate you as a friend.

 

[tom_e]

Unfortunately until he does something that is so bad he realises when he has a moment of clarity that he needs help you're pretty much stuck, there's almost nothing you can do if some one's happy filling themselves full of substances and being caught up in the group mentality.

 

[justintime2001]

I think you're both right, it's certainly a difficult situation and such a shame.

 

[Dogoid]

his drug use may be a symptom not the cause . it's possible he has a underlining condition which makes it likely he'll gravitate to drugs to medicate.

 

[Danthus]

You face an uphill battle if he doesn't see/think he has a problem. As others have said, all you can do is talk to him and be there for him.

 

[justintime2001]

his drug use may be a symptom not the cause . it's possible he has a underlining condition which makes it likely he'll gravitate to drugs to medicate.

I think your spot on there Dogoid.

 

[Nix]

Coals is right. The guy needs to realise he has a problem so that he can seek help. Talking therapy, etc. would be the obvious start.

Try talking to him OP. Gauge his reaction. He may already know he has a problem and just needs a push. If he's in denial you may need to speak to his wife and see if there's anything that can be done. I'm not suggesting doing anything machiavellian, but it may take something such as a faux walk out from his wife for him to realise the error of his ways.

 

[Avenged7Fold]

Weed and coke is not the cause of the problem. They are just outlets to what is the cause.

Find out what is eating him up so much. Blaming the drugs which are a result of his personality change (probably due to a significant realisation or change of circumstance in his life) is going to just push him away and hide the real issue.

I also think he has suddenly become a compulsive liar which I assume is the result of drug taking.

You need to avoid views like this. Drugs do not make you a different person. They can make you behave different under their influence but they dont make you feel the need to lie and such. Whatever is making him want to distract himself with drugs is something he is likely aware of and is in denial of.

I dont understand why people think you smoke a joint and all of a sudden you are a bank robber or murderer.

 

[Schlong&Stable]

Subtly record him next time he goes off on one. Then when he's in a calmer disposition, play it back to him. If he doesn't see the problem then you'll just need to do as others have said and wait for him to reach rock bottom.

 

[justintime2001]

Weed and coke is not the cause of the problem. Find out what is eating him up so much. Blaming the drugs which are a result of his personality change (probably due to a significant realisation or change of circumstance in his life) is going to just push him away and hide the real issue.
You need to avoid views like this. Drugs do not make you a different person. They can make you behave different under their influence but they dont make you feel the need to lie and such.

I agree in principle however I know for a fact has started telling his wife lies. I certainly don't think you smoke a joint and all of a sudden you are a bank robber or murderer and that isn't what I meant.

 

[justintime2001]

Subtly record him next time he goes off on one. Then when he's in a calmer disposition, play it back to him. If he doesn't see the problem then you'll just need to do as others have said and wait for him to reach rock bottom.

I like this idea.

 

[Thekwango]

Subtly record him next time he goes off on one. Then when he's in a calmer disposition, play it back to him. If he doesn't see the problem then you'll just need to do as others have said and wait for him to reach rock bottom.

personally I think that is a very dangerous thing to try. how do you know having his behaviour thrust into his face wont make him sink further into whatever malaise has gotten hold of him. I don't think forcing someone to face their problems is a good idea - they need want/realise they have to face them themselves

I'd only go as far as recoding someone's behaviour and playing it back to them on the advice of a doctor/psychologist

 

[Diagro]

section him.

 

[tom_e]

Subtly record him next time he goes off on one. Then when he's in a calmer disposition, play it back to him. If he doesn't see the problem then you'll just need to do as others have said and wait for him to reach rock bottom.

This will almost certainly just end in him flipping out about you spying on him and destroying any trust he may still have with you.

 

[Schlong&Stable]

personally I think that is a very dangerous thing to try. how do you know having his behaviour thrust into his face wont make him sink further into whatever malaise has gotten hold of him. I don't think forcing someone to face their problems is a good idea - they need want/realise they have to face them themselves

I'd only go as far as recoding someone's behaviour and playing it back to them on the advice of a doctor/psychologist

This will almost certainly just end in him flipping out about you spying on him and destroying any trust he may still have with you.

There is no way of knowing how either option will turn out. Both action and inaction could lead to a worse outcome. I would rather risk my friendship through action than inaction though.

 

[justintime2001]

This will almost certainly just end in him flipping out about you spying on him and destroying any trust he may still have with you.

I see your point.

section him.

Sympathy not your strong point then

 

[Richdog]

And what does his wife say about this... have you tried talking to her?