A friend losing his way in life & needs help.

Calgar117 · 12 Nov 2015 at 14:53

a lot of the time it isnt getting people to admit the issue, the usual problem faced is do they actually want the help (most are aware of the issue)

if they don't want the help or dont make active efforts to get the help there is unfortunatley very little that can be done

justintime2001 · 12 Nov 2015 at 14:55

Richdog said:
And what does his wife say about this... have you tried talking to her?

His wife is fully aware and has spoken to us about it at length. She needs our help as much as he does really.

Avenged7Fold · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:00

justintime2001 said:
I agree in principle however I know for a fact has started telling his wife lies.

Lies he tells his wife are likely to cover up the problem or effects of the problem he is having. Why would him telling lies be due to the drugs? Even if he is lying to his wife about taking drugs, that is because he is either ashamed to admit to her that he is taking or that he is ashamed of the reason why he feels the need to take drugs.

Drugs dont make liars. Liars make lies and sometimes take drugs.

justintime2001 · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:04

Avenged7Fold said:
Lies he tells his wife are likely to cover up the problem or effects of the problem he is having. Why would him telling lies be due to the drugs? Even if he is lying to his wife about taking drugs, that is because he is either ashamed to admit to her that he is taking or that he is ashamed of the reason why he feels the need to take drugs.

Drugs dont make liars. Liars make lies and sometimes take drugs.

Point taken.

JoeF1 · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:06

Dis86 said:
Get to him justintime. Try talking. Find out why he's turning to drugs.

Nitefly · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:07

Just say casually "mate I have to be honest you seem to go a bit off the rails when on the juice" - addressing it as a 'formal problem' rather than a temporary blip is just likely to annoy him.

Thekwango · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:49

Thompson_NCL said:
There is no way of knowing how either option will turn out. Both action and inaction could lead to a worse outcome. I would rather risk my friendship through action than inaction though.

of course there isn't but if you have someone taking drugs & telling lies - paranoia isn't going to be far away either. so it's pretty easy to guesstimate that they wont react well to someone sticking a phone in their face and showing them all their flaws on video.
I'd bet that action in this case will not have a very positive outcome. OP I honestly wouldn't go down the route of secretly filming and presenting them with it unless you are advised to do so by someone with a bit of expertise in this field.

think of it this way - you're not on drugs or telling lies to your wife/friends but how would you feel if a friend pointed out all your other flaws on video? I'd say you wouldn't be over joyed at that.
imagine now if your head is half pickled with a drug fuelled life style and someone sticks a phone in your face to highlight your flaws......

justintime2001 · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:53

I think I will try and persuade him to talk to the Samaritans.

I have had a chat with them and this is the sort of thing they can help with if he'll make the call.

ak22 · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:56

It could be a indication of schizophrenia similar thing happened to friend of mine he had issues and started using a lot of cabins, hes was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Im sorry to hear about your friend not sure what the best action plan is maybe talk to hims family and friends.

Nitefly · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:57

Surely try and talk to him yourself first - your OP doesn't say you've done this. Go to the pub with him and bring it up casually. I'd be royally annoyed if someone said I needed the Samaritans if they hadn't even discussed the matter with me - even if it's true.

Rroff · 12 Nov 2015 at 15:58

Know someone a bit like that who suffers from bipolar disorder which resulted in them turning to substances which had the side effect of making the condition worse that resulted in a vicious circle. Only resolved after an incident of some kind that resulted in him getting help.

justintime2001 · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:00

Nitefly said:
Surely try and talk to him yourself first - your OP doesn't say you've done this. Go to the pub with him and bring it up casually. I'd be royally annoyed if someone said I needed the Samaritans if they hadn't even discussed the matter with me - even if it's true.

Yes I have chatted with him about it. I told him that I thought he may be heading for a breakdown. We do have a very close relationship so talking to him isn't a problem.

Nix · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:04

justintime2001 said:
Yes I have chatted with him about it. I told him that I thought he may be heading for a breakdown. We do have a very close relationship so talking to him isn't a problem.

What was the outcome?

justintime2001 · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:27

Nix said:
What was the outcome?

Well he kind of agreed that he smokes too much etc. but doesn't seem to be concerned about it. I just get the "yeah I know"

Nix · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:29

justintime2001 said:
Well he kind of agreed that he smokes too much etc. but doesn't seem to be concerned about it. I just get the "yeah I know"

Is he aware that he is going to sabotage his marriage if he carries on? Does he know how his wife feels?

justintime2001 · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:35

Nix said:
Is he aware that he is going to sabotage his marriage if he carries on? Does he know how his wife feels?

He says he loves his wife.

I get the impression he knows but doesn't care when under the influence and being under the influence is too important to him at the moment.

Nix · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:38

If he's drinking, it's a crutch to fill some form of void. Either that, or he's simply addicted.

Try to make him realise what damage this will do to his marriage before it's too late. He may not care right now, but if she walks I guarantee he will and it won't help his problem either.

MookJong · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:48

Thompson_NCL said:
Subtly record him next time he goes off on one. Then when he's in a calmer disposition, play it back to him. If he doesn't see the problem then you'll just need to do as others have said and wait for him to reach rock bottom.

This is what I was going to suggest. I know someone who's wife reordered on video their alcohol fuelled abuse and it was the start of sorting it all out when this guy was shown it back sober.

fatiain · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:51

I've had a quick look for drug/alcohol abuse support and guessing your location...

Drug and alcohol support in Staffs.

jsmoke · 12 Nov 2015 at 16:54

He must have a lot of inner unresolved conflicts with people from the past. Sounds like he on the road to being locked up. Inner conflicts can lay dormant for years and years and people consciously put a front on for so long that the conflict becomes buried in the subconscious. Sounds like demons from the past are now coming to the surface under the influence. Dangerous road.

As you said if he's Mr, 'I'll do anything for you', then that's possibly a main issue, in other words he's been rolled over too many times and hence lost his own authority over anything.