Coping with a Smoking teenager in a non smoking house !

[D3K]

Lock him in his, now exclusive, bedroom - Trainspotting style

 

[delta0]

Someone is buying them for him as he needs to be 18 to buy cigarettes.

 

[jpod]

It is a difficult situation, sorry to hear you are struggling, you say you don't feel you have authority. It is your house, your rules, you are the parent. You know what is best for your smaller child and the older child too.

Lock them out, if they come back squiffy, smelling of smoke refuse them entry, refuse to feed them, don't give them money and insist on better behaviour.

Why are they not working or studying?

Let them know 18 they move out, until then they stay in the house if they follow the rules. Tough love.

If you can't do it perhaps you have a family member who can, a grandad, grandma, brother, sister who can sort them out. If is for the best.

Best of luck.

 

[Snookums]

All I'm saying is as some one who smoked at a stupidly young age taking his allowance isn't gonna stop him smoking. He obviously has friends that smoke and that's how he will carry on. The drinking bit though c'mon he is 16 years old of course he will drink. From my views on it the kids that had parents that accepted drinking underage tended to be the kids that respected alcohol a bit more and never got stupidly wasted every time they want to drink. Just a heads up there to help try and keep that one under control.

On the smoking side though my parents never tried the sit me down with 20 and smoke em all at once so can't say if it works or not. But they did say they never want to see me smoke and I also respected my mum enough not to smoke in the house or in front of her. From the sounds of it your best bet is to sit him and down and tell him that then hope he gets hit on the brain hard enough to realise he needs to quit asap

 

[Aldav]

All I'm saying is as some one who smoked at a stupidly young age taking his allowance isn't gonna stop him smoking. ....

It did with mine. I had an adult chat with him, and pointed out that, as a child living under my roof, he was getting a fairly good range of privileges, ranging from a good allowance, to use of a car I was providing, but that respect runs both ways. If he wants to behave utterly disrespectfully towards others, such as by smoking in the house when he knows nobody is allowed to, then the privileges that go along with house rules will vanish. No car. No allowance. No friends staying over. No phone in his room (there was no internet in those days). And so on. Oh, and how's he planning on paying for college?

If he wants to be treated as an adult, start acting like one. But if he carries on acting like a brat, I'll treat him like one. I told him I disapproved of him smoking at all, but if he really wants to poison himself I can't stop him. But don't do it at home.

Would this work with the OPs kid? He'd know better than I would, but from what he's said, I'd guess not.

 

[MINUS12]

Your replies have been awesome thankyou for your understanding ocuk forums .. We have stopped his allowance but his chavvy friends smoke in there house with there grandmother and give him fags apparently we checked his Facebook and many of his friends keep asking him if he wants to smoke weed get drunk etc they have even been talking about cocaine and legal highs and saying how bored they all are Is this really what new generation are focused on , He also was also given a vapour pen and smokes that as well

I'm a health and fitness conscious and have many hobbies and have allways encouraged him to pursue a productive hobby or interest but he's never been interested ? He's more the stay in and eat , smoke and game all day type ? I have felt like slapping his face at times him as nothing sinks in his head ? Trouble you can't monitor there every movement and he has even now started deleting all his messages obviously due to suspicion ...I feel like he's on a downward spiral and will eventually turn towards illegal drugs etc

We have stopped all his privileges and even taken his xbox away , had serious chats with him , even kicked him out but to no avail

 

[RoboCod]

Some kind of counselling/social support might help, seeing as you've tried all the things you list to no avail. I don't envy you, an unruly teen is the stuff of nightmares, I think we all assume we'll have lovely rule abiding kids. We've all been there though and know exactly how that phase goes.

I'd try a gentle loving parent approach, because I know to some point I'd be restraining myself from hate slapping the little **** so I'd have to remind myself I love my child and the truth is I'm concerned about his welfare. A bit of emotional black mail won't hurt

 

[FloppyPoppy]

He wants to act like a man so treat him like a man. I was a little **** at 14 "testing my boundarys" looking back on it though i can't say that was my thought process at the time needless to say it all stopped when dad gave me a man smack.

Has he never aspired to anything wanted to get a certain job? military service would work wonders.

 

[timebomb26]

Everything aside, if he won't stop for the sake of his sister's health, then he needs to seriously reevaluate his thought process.

 

[rare]

Take him to the nearest cancer ward at hospital. Seeing my nan with throat cancer when I was that age was enough to make me never want to smoke.

 

[DisrupTor75]

Show him some of the effects of smoking, plenty of pics on google showing the damage it does to the various parts of the body. Plenty of off putting things there that may just show him its a habit not worth continuing. Failing that take his shoes away and leave him only his scruffiest clothes as no kid likes his image to his peers tarnished

 

[Richdog]

Feeling very frustrated at the moment with unresponsive rebellious 16 and half yr old son who chain smokes at his friends house everyday and smokes the occasional weed and has come home drunk a few times and vomited in the bedroom and then comes home and pollutes the air with carcinogenic compounds , even my 6 yr old daughter stinks of cigarette smoke as she shares the bedroom and we have repeatly expressed our feelings about smoking and he still refuses to comply ! So today I told him to put all his clothes and rucksack etc in a black bag and put then in our outside bathroom! I obviously can't stop him smoking as he just won't comply

It's very frustrating when your child doesn't respect your authority and doesn't consider your feelings , I don't think I'm in the wrong I guess a few of you have had the same issues with your children ..question is how would you deal with it

A 16 year old boy and a 6 year old girl share the same bedroom... not ideal as both have no privacy and are mixed sex and very different ages, but glad you moved the girl out now as your daughter having to see this and potentially having it normalising it in her mind is a nightmare scenario. Your son may be a ****-up but think about her (as yet uncorrupted) future.

As for him smoking in the house, I also don't know any other teenager, troubled or not, that would dare do that in a non-smoking household. I was one of those teens and my parents would have crucified me. Sounds like you have handled him with kid gloves throughout the formative years of his life, and now his lack of boundaries and set.

Enforce some discipline and show him real consequences for his actions, or if his mates are really so bad then get out of there before they influence his life beyond the point of no return. At this point he is suffering alcohol abuse and potentially moving on to drug abuse, it's time to do something about it NOW while you still can and before permanent habitual behaviour sets in.

Picture an anti-social lout for a son that takes or even one day deals in hard drugs. Is that what you want? I'm guessing not.

 

[Energize]

I think you need to take steps a lot further than putting his clothes in the bathroom, a 16 year old taking 3 different drugs to the point of intoxication is a serious health issue that is going to lead him to prison or worse.

 

[krooton]

Your replies have been awesome thankyou for your understanding ocuk forums .. We have stopped his allowance but his chavvy friends smoke in there house with there grandmother and give him fags apparently we checked his Facebook and many of his friends keep asking him if he wants to smoke weed get drunk etc they have even been talking about cocaine and legal highs and saying how bored they all are Is this really what new generation are focused on , He also was also given a vapour pen and smokes that as well

I'm a health and fitness conscious and have many hobbies and have allways encouraged him to pursue a productive hobby or interest but he's never been interested ? He's more the stay in and eat , smoke and game all day type ? I have felt like slapping his face at times him as nothing sinks in his head ? Trouble you can't monitor there every movement and he has even now started deleting all his messages obviously due to suspicion ...I feel like he's on a downward spiral and will eventually turn towards illegal drugs etc

We have stopped all his privileges and even taken his xbox away , had serious chats with him , even kicked him out but to no avail

New generation? I was up to worse than your kid at 15 (17 years ago), and I turned out great

 

[NexusK]

Probably easier said than done but kill 2 birds with ones stone by moving out of London or wherever it is that is causing you to not be able to afford rent on an appropriate sized house, then your kids can have their own room and your son will be away from the crowd he's fell in with.

It can't exactly be a happy life not even being able to afford rent for a proper house.

 

[darkgen]

If I had the advice I would be aiming it at the 16yo.

As a 16yo I was pretty much in the same situation; bad crowd, smoking, drugs little or no respect for myself let alone others or family.

Unfortunately I did not change and as soon as I hit 18 I kicked myself out of the family home (mother and step-father) and stayed with friends. It took me another few years to grow up, detox and become a reasonable human being.

Now here’s the biggest regret; if I had the stomach to accept it. Those years destroyed the relationship with my mother which never recovered. I only reconciled decades later during her terminal illness with cancer which comprised of me sitting in a hospital room for near on 2 years saying nothing to her till her death.

Rebellion isn't worth that to anyone. Talk to your parents; talk talk talk.

*written quickly and without much care but I hope the gist comes across.

 

[EddScott]

New generation? I was up to worse than your kid at 15 (17 years ago), and I turned out great

Ha, when I read what the lad was up too I thought well yeah, pretty standard.

I take it the room sharing is temporary and to be honest it's no get out of jail for the behaviour.

As another poster above said, teens at home get a good deal. I'd point that out. No screaming, no fuss. You're not just being tight, your being fair and fairness goes both ways. If you take the Micheal things can be quite unpleasant.

 

[new boy]

Sounds like me at 16 TBH.

I grew up eventually, and all was well.

Interestingly, My parents finally allowing me to smoke outside without giving me grief helped I think.

 

[NexusK]

Interestingly, My parents finally allowing me to smoke outside without giving me grief helped I think.

Mine started buying me 10 a day as soon as they found out. I think it was supposed to be reverse psychology and make me stop, i didn't stop for another 20 years.

 

[bloodiedathame]

"These are the house rules, if you don't abide by them, you can't live here."

And yes, smoking outside a good idea.