For serious cases such as this I recommend administration of the Dragon Kick. After the Dragon Kick has been applied just one single time, your child will never again ignore your obedience.
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Coping with a Smoking teenager in a non smoking house !
- Thread starter MINUS12
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For serious cases such as this I recommend administration of the Dragon Kick. After the Dragon Kick has been applied just one single time, your child will never again ignore your obedience.
I have a similar situation with my cousin.
His parents had him quite late (he is 17 and they are both in there 60's). They also live in the middle of nowhere in Yorkshire. His mum is also a compulsive hoarder and never throws anything away. His bedroom in the converted loft space in there house is still full of things from when he was a lot younger which she refuses to throw away. His dad also used to be a police officer and his mum is involved with Cubs / scouts so he was introduced to that from a young age.
We heard he was smoking and getting in trouble but things seemed to have escalated from there to smoking cannabis every day which has apparently given him paranoia and now we are not seeing him at family gatherings even though he used to love seeing me and my sister.
He pleaded with his parents to get him a bike which he ended up getting a speeding ticket on before crashing into the back of a van (which cost him over £700 to put right).
He spent some time with me at Christmas and he is smoking every day and smoking a joint of cannabis every day. He is starting to come across as a bit of a tool and I feel like if he wasn't my cousin I probably wouldn't want to spend time with him. He also did a lot of moaning about his relationship with his dad and people "talking about him" to other members of the family.
The only saving grace is he is still doing his college work and apprenticeship (or so he says).
Me and my sister are concerned with him but don't know what to do? I love a drink but I have never smoked so can't relate to that? The "people talking about him" and the paranoia are probably the main reasons he has stopped coming to family events. He always goes on about how well me and my sister are doing and "wants to be like us" but I keep telling him he needs to keep trying at college etc.
His parents had him quite late (he is 17 and they are both in there 60's). They also live in the middle of nowhere in Yorkshire. His mum is also a compulsive hoarder and never throws anything away. His bedroom in the converted loft space in there house is still full of things from when he was a lot younger which she refuses to throw away. His dad also used to be a police officer and his mum is involved with Cubs / scouts so he was introduced to that from a young age.
We heard he was smoking and getting in trouble but things seemed to have escalated from there to smoking cannabis every day which has apparently given him paranoia and now we are not seeing him at family gatherings even though he used to love seeing me and my sister.
He pleaded with his parents to get him a bike which he ended up getting a speeding ticket on before crashing into the back of a van (which cost him over £700 to put right).
He spent some time with me at Christmas and he is smoking every day and smoking a joint of cannabis every day. He is starting to come across as a bit of a tool and I feel like if he wasn't my cousin I probably wouldn't want to spend time with him. He also did a lot of moaning about his relationship with his dad and people "talking about him" to other members of the family.
The only saving grace is he is still doing his college work and apprenticeship (or so he says).
Me and my sister are concerned with him but don't know what to do? I love a drink but I have never smoked so can't relate to that? The "people talking about him" and the paranoia are probably the main reasons he has stopped coming to family events. He always goes on about how well me and my sister are doing and "wants to be like us" but I keep telling him he needs to keep trying at college etc.
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Start smoking => get own room. Should have lit up years ago....
As for advice.... hard to come up with much. Teenagers are difficult. By the time you've got to the point of smoking in your six-year old sister's bedroom, and seriously looking at the minefield of 'legal highs' and blow, then I guess you have to hope that your previous 16 years of parenting will see them through their rebellious phase relatively intact.
I might be tempted to go for the 'treat-them-like-an-adult' angle, and allow smoking tabs and weed in the garden, as long as they stay away from the other stuff.
I'm otherwise finding it difficult not to pick OP apart for his apparent lifestyle/parenting choices, so should probably withdraw.
As for advice.... hard to come up with much. Teenagers are difficult. By the time you've got to the point of smoking in your six-year old sister's bedroom, and seriously looking at the minefield of 'legal highs' and blow, then I guess you have to hope that your previous 16 years of parenting will see them through their rebellious phase relatively intact.
I might be tempted to go for the 'treat-them-like-an-adult' angle, and allow smoking tabs and weed in the garden, as long as they stay away from the other stuff.
I'm otherwise finding it difficult not to pick OP apart for his apparent lifestyle/parenting choices, so should probably withdraw.
Soldato
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Could you not turn the lounge into a semi bedroom with a sofa bed or a futon, thus enabling the kids to have a bedroom each? It's only temporary right, until you get a new place. Give the kids a secure room each and suffer a little yourselves by not having a real bedroom.
I think I would go a little mental if I had to share a room with my little sister at 16.
I have to ask are both children yours by blood? or only your daughter, with the boy being your step son?
I think I would go a little mental if I had to share a room with my little sister at 16.
I have to ask are both children yours by blood? or only your daughter, with the boy being your step son?
Unfortunately I'm currently feeling your pain, though at a younger age. My eldest doesn't have any concern at all for any repercussions of his actions. We always thought that was him being rebellious a bit earlier than normal, he's 12.
Things he has been caught having stolen from us in the last month. Money, pen knife, winning scratch card, e-cig. He's currently excluded from school and, because he had the knife at school, police are involved and w may not be allowed to return to that school.
We've tried everything. He's had everything he could ever want, he's had it all taken away from him and returned on good behaviour, we've worked with various schools with him, he's had a so-called 'nurture group' at school as part of their SENco approach but this has failed absolutely.
Just sharing to point out that your stuff might seem like it's the worst thing in the world at the moment, but it could always be worse.
I would say that it's absolutely imperative that you get your kids sleeping arrangement sorted. For me, that's job 1.
Things he has been caught having stolen from us in the last month. Money, pen knife, winning scratch card, e-cig. He's currently excluded from school and, because he had the knife at school, police are involved and w may not be allowed to return to that school.
We've tried everything. He's had everything he could ever want, he's had it all taken away from him and returned on good behaviour, we've worked with various schools with him, he's had a so-called 'nurture group' at school as part of their SENco approach but this has failed absolutely.
Just sharing to point out that your stuff might seem like it's the worst thing in the world at the moment, but it could always be worse.
I would say that it's absolutely imperative that you get your kids sleeping arrangement sorted. For me, that's job 1.
Soldato
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Had to double check to make sure I wasn't on Mumsnet..
i smoke at home when i was 16. dad said he'll let me smoke as long its not indoor. i agreed and smoke outside.
so confrontation wont work. it'll make it worse. just tell him you're ok to smoke as long he smoke outside of the house. try keep the rule(s) simple
so confrontation wont work. it'll make it worse. just tell him you're ok to smoke as long he smoke outside of the house. try keep the rule(s) simple
* and gets changed before coming inside.
Hard Labour.
Get them doing physically challenging jobs. To many young adults have a cosy life and do not appreciate the costs of living, plus they'll be knackered.
If they are smoking, then he can afford to pay rent.
A 16 year old should not be having an allowance, they should be earning it. I think the whole idea of a weekly/monthly allowance at any age is wrong, unless they are earning it in some way. Granted school trips and days out I would consider an exception.
Get them doing physically challenging jobs. To many young adults have a cosy life and do not appreciate the costs of living, plus they'll be knackered.
If they are smoking, then he can afford to pay rent.
A 16 year old should not be having an allowance, they should be earning it. I think the whole idea of a weekly/monthly allowance at any age is wrong, unless they are earning it in some way. Granted school trips and days out I would consider an exception.
Isn't the legal age to smoke now 18?
To purchase you need to be 18. As long as it's not in a public place nothing stopping you actually smoking.
Well, since he is not 18 and have no income and you still decide over him and you house, you need to setup rules. I have a 19 year old boy from my wifes previous marriage and he is only allowed to smoke at a specific place outside.
His jacket he need to keep outside if it smells of smoke. Setup rules venting his room with open windows.
If he does not comply to the rules, make it result in some consequences for him like no internet, gaming etc.
As long as he is not 18 you should have full decision over what he can and can not do.
His jacket he need to keep outside if it smells of smoke. Setup rules venting his room with open windows.
If he does not comply to the rules, make it result in some consequences for him like no internet, gaming etc.
As long as he is not 18 you should have full decision over what he can and can not do.
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Soldato
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Kids act out for any number of reasons. You need to target his motive for acting out whether its his annoyance of not having independence due to room arrangements, frustrations of financial constraints or something else going on outside the home.
I think that unless you tackle these issues, no stick method is going to work, as he will likely just act out more.
What has he said about the room sharing and what have you replied with?
I know in the grand scheme of things, buying a 1k gaming laptop doesn't sound that much but I can imagine it would make him quite bitter to see toys like that bought if he is told that sorting out a room of his own is an economical issue.
The quickest way to get someone to grow up in these situations is basically make them want it. It wont necessarily change them smoking and drinking but you are not after that, you are after a change in attitude. Change his attitude and he can continue smoking but outside and he can fill up his time with something more productive. Carrot and stick method is the way to go and at that age best thing is to tell him you need to cut his allowance a bit cos you cant afford it and then help him get a part time job.
Less time messing about more time working toward something positive. He doesn't feel motivated at school or at home? That's because he doesn't feel its worth the motivation but money in the pocket makes for a good growing you catalyst if you have to earn it. He will be forced to grow up a bit due to the culture shock of a work environment. If he doesn't, well at least he is off the streets a bit more and he understands a pack of cigarettes is worth an hour of his work and an eighth of bud is 4 hours.
Taking away his means to buy stuff wont do anything, he will still be motivated smoke/drink, so the money from his job wont make anything worse.
I think that unless you tackle these issues, no stick method is going to work, as he will likely just act out more.
What has he said about the room sharing and what have you replied with?
I know in the grand scheme of things, buying a 1k gaming laptop doesn't sound that much but I can imagine it would make him quite bitter to see toys like that bought if he is told that sorting out a room of his own is an economical issue.
The quickest way to get someone to grow up in these situations is basically make them want it. It wont necessarily change them smoking and drinking but you are not after that, you are after a change in attitude. Change his attitude and he can continue smoking but outside and he can fill up his time with something more productive. Carrot and stick method is the way to go and at that age best thing is to tell him you need to cut his allowance a bit cos you cant afford it and then help him get a part time job.
Less time messing about more time working toward something positive. He doesn't feel motivated at school or at home? That's because he doesn't feel its worth the motivation but money in the pocket makes for a good growing you catalyst if you have to earn it. He will be forced to grow up a bit due to the culture shock of a work environment. If he doesn't, well at least he is off the streets a bit more and he understands a pack of cigarettes is worth an hour of his work and an eighth of bud is 4 hours.
Taking away his means to buy stuff wont do anything, he will still be motivated smoke/drink, so the money from his job wont make anything worse.
OP you need to move to a new area.
1. To get away from his friends which are having a negative influence on him.
2. To stop the negative influence spreading to your daughter.
3. Find a housing association with enough rooms for your family. If that place is chavy then so be it, a 16 year old boy and a 6 year old girl should not be sharing a room and a 6 year old girl should not have to share with her parents. Who knows what negative affects this is having/had on them both.
While there is no guarantee that this will fix the situation its worth a shot before its too late and you lose your son.
1. To get away from his friends which are having a negative influence on him.
2. To stop the negative influence spreading to your daughter.
3. Find a housing association with enough rooms for your family. If that place is chavy then so be it, a 16 year old boy and a 6 year old girl should not be sharing a room and a 6 year old girl should not have to share with her parents. Who knows what negative affects this is having/had on them both.
While there is no guarantee that this will fix the situation its worth a shot before its too late and you lose your son.
Soldato
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Moving to a new place will just make him fall into another group of rebels. You need to target his discontent/motivation to act out before making changes like that. Moving away would help once he has a change of attitude but moving just to change his mates might just drive him to act out more and will cost money, which should be going toward sorting out a seperate room when you can afford it over a quick move that sets you back financially and leaves you with still undesired living arrangements.