I've got far too many stories, a few on here can vouch for that 
I've been told I need to write a book at some point, but one of them...
This bit is more of a prequel but it's important to the story. I'm 15, and a lady who works at our school, think she was a social worker or something, arranged a "Blind Date" thing between a few boys from our school and girls the other school she worked at. Looking back it was a very odd thing to do, but being a horny teenager, I asked no questions. On the day I was paired with someone who must have been bored out of her mind given how socially awkward I was back then, it was pretty horrific but I kidded myself that she wants me. Surprise surprise, at the end of the day I didn't get her number...
Fast forward a year, I'm at my part time job when a text comes through. something like "Hello Steedie, it's Jess from the blind date day last year. Hope you don't mind me texting but I'd love to meet up". Wooooow I'm thinking, this is amazing. I don't remember if Jess is the one I went on the date with but I'm pretty sure all of them were nice so I'm excited! I eagerly text back and the conversation flows.
Within a handful of texts, she's already asking if I want her to come back to mine sometime. My dad works shifts so straight away I'm agreeing to this and finding out if she can pretty much be at mine yesterday! We eventually decide on a date and and a place to meet, McDonalds in my local town. Didn't think anything of it at the time, but I didn't really care for the minor details at this point, I was thinking more the end game.
So the big day comes, and I'm in PE at our local sports centre and I'm hatching a plan to get out of school to go meet this girl. I come up with some excuses, none of which really make any sense but again, don't care and too excited. I hop on my bike and head for McDonalds, probably riding faster than I've ever ridden in my life, a Bradley Wiggins style ride. On the way I can't help but go through in my head, all the girls that were there that day. I'm pretty sure they were all nice, and I'm pretty sure I'm not missing anyone out. No, no, I'm definitely not, they were all stunning...
Then as I approached McDonalds, I saw her, stood there waiting for me....and suddenly it all became very clear. I had been missing someone out, possibly for good reason, there was a larger lady there that day and for obvious reasons, I'd not really paid much attention to her, certainly not enough for her to be memorable...but there she was in all her glory. She was a very large lady and meeting at McDonalds quickly made a lot of sense. I panic, knees weak arms spaghetti. I'm going to try and blag this and see if I can cycle past her without her seeing. But then...
"Oh hi Steedie!!"...now if I had any balls, I'd have replied in my best GCSE French and pleaded ignorance, but I didn't, so I just stopped and said "Oh there you are!! Hi", worried she may sense the disappointment in my voice.
I'm pushing my bike along, walking with her back to my house. Mind racing at a million miles per hour desperately trying to think of a way out of this, a way that my overly polite self will be able to handle. Just then I had a plan, I pretend my phone is ringing, I think I may have even made a fake ring tone under my breath.
"Hello? Oh no really? Oh well that's bad, I better come back to school", Jess looks puzzled. I turn to her and say "That was my friend, apparently the teachers have noticed I'm not there and are threatening me with detention if I don't come back!". This is genius, this can't fail but then she looks at me with these eyes and tells me that her bus isn't until late this afternoon and she'd have no where to go in the mean time.
DAMNIT! I can't deal with this and again, lose my bottle and say "Oh don't worry, it's fine! It's only detention!". The walk continues...
As we approach my house, I'm getting desperate now and really need to think of something. Then another idea hit me! We got to my front door and I pretend to have forgotten my keys in the excitement of coming to meet this heavenly blessed beauty. I do my best bouncer impression and pat myself down from head to toe, all the while pretending to look devastated. I tell her the bad news, and again...those damn eyes! I try to hold my resolve but I can't, and before I know it I'm telling her that I just remember the spare set round the back, and climb over my fence with all the grace of a mortally wounded elephant.
This is getting bad now, she is now in my house. We go up to my room and my hearts racing, even my 16 year old self doesn't want to go through with this, it's not right. But here we are sat on my bed, awkwardly looking at each other, waiting for the inevitable to happen. And then it does, a hand out of no where grabs my thigh and works its way up, but I'm a broken man now. I have no excuses left, she's done it and now I must accept my fate...
We eventually end up moving to my dads room because, and I kid you not, she was a bit too big and heavy for the single bed I had at the time. That was an awkward suggestion to make
At the end of the "act", I looked up at the sky and thanked whoever it was I needed too that I made it and lived to tell the tale, but then...a truly horrifying thing happened...I look down..."Where's the condom?!". OH MY GOD....No....not this....it can't be.
She panics, I panic. She runs downstairs and in to the bathroom. I asked if she was ok, and the words "I'm trying to fish it out" cut through my ears like a .50 cal bullet, how crude...she didn't even sugar coat it, just told it as it was. And I can't handle the situation very well so I'm praying that she manages to find it, but more importantly, the contents inside remain intact, if you get what I mean.
She emerges, still naked at this point, only my worry masks my disgust. "I've got it". She explains the gory details and relief sweeps over my 16 year old naive self. We get dressed and I start to see the end of this situation, the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel that relieved that I offer to walk her in to town to catch her bus. When we get in to town, she tells me that she thinks we should get the morning after pill and not really knowing what this is and how it could benefit me, I just go along with it and agree. We walk in to a pharmacy and she asks the man behind the counter.
He looks at me, almost in disappointment, both that I could do the act itself and that I was so foolish as to find myself in this situation. All of a sudden she has a break down. Bursts in to tears and I can't even understand the words leaving her mouth, all I know is there is now a couple of old ladies looking at me as if I raped her or something. They start shaking their heads at me and now the pharmacist is not only disappointed, he's appalled. He comforts her and I try and hurry it along by asking if she can have it or not.
"Of course, £28 please". I look at her, and it's quite evident that she has no intention of paying. This **** is unbelievable, after all this I'm now having to pay for the privilege of it all.
I storm off to the nearest cash point, get £30 out which was pretty much all I had in my account at the time and pay for this pill. She snatches it out of the pharmacists hands and runs out, leaving me stood there, broken, embarrassed and poor.
I've been told I need to write a book at some point, but one of them...This bit is more of a prequel but it's important to the story. I'm 15, and a lady who works at our school, think she was a social worker or something, arranged a "Blind Date" thing between a few boys from our school and girls the other school she worked at. Looking back it was a very odd thing to do, but being a horny teenager, I asked no questions. On the day I was paired with someone who must have been bored out of her mind given how socially awkward I was back then, it was pretty horrific but I kidded myself that she wants me. Surprise surprise, at the end of the day I didn't get her number...
Fast forward a year, I'm at my part time job when a text comes through. something like "Hello Steedie, it's Jess from the blind date day last year. Hope you don't mind me texting but I'd love to meet up". Wooooow I'm thinking, this is amazing. I don't remember if Jess is the one I went on the date with but I'm pretty sure all of them were nice so I'm excited! I eagerly text back and the conversation flows.
Within a handful of texts, she's already asking if I want her to come back to mine sometime. My dad works shifts so straight away I'm agreeing to this and finding out if she can pretty much be at mine yesterday! We eventually decide on a date and and a place to meet, McDonalds in my local town. Didn't think anything of it at the time, but I didn't really care for the minor details at this point, I was thinking more the end game.
So the big day comes, and I'm in PE at our local sports centre and I'm hatching a plan to get out of school to go meet this girl. I come up with some excuses, none of which really make any sense but again, don't care and too excited. I hop on my bike and head for McDonalds, probably riding faster than I've ever ridden in my life, a Bradley Wiggins style ride. On the way I can't help but go through in my head, all the girls that were there that day. I'm pretty sure they were all nice, and I'm pretty sure I'm not missing anyone out. No, no, I'm definitely not, they were all stunning...
Then as I approached McDonalds, I saw her, stood there waiting for me....and suddenly it all became very clear. I had been missing someone out, possibly for good reason, there was a larger lady there that day and for obvious reasons, I'd not really paid much attention to her, certainly not enough for her to be memorable...but there she was in all her glory. She was a very large lady and meeting at McDonalds quickly made a lot of sense. I panic, knees weak arms spaghetti. I'm going to try and blag this and see if I can cycle past her without her seeing. But then...
"Oh hi Steedie!!"...now if I had any balls, I'd have replied in my best GCSE French and pleaded ignorance, but I didn't, so I just stopped and said "Oh there you are!! Hi", worried she may sense the disappointment in my voice.
I'm pushing my bike along, walking with her back to my house. Mind racing at a million miles per hour desperately trying to think of a way out of this, a way that my overly polite self will be able to handle. Just then I had a plan, I pretend my phone is ringing, I think I may have even made a fake ring tone under my breath.
"Hello? Oh no really? Oh well that's bad, I better come back to school", Jess looks puzzled. I turn to her and say "That was my friend, apparently the teachers have noticed I'm not there and are threatening me with detention if I don't come back!". This is genius, this can't fail but then she looks at me with these eyes and tells me that her bus isn't until late this afternoon and she'd have no where to go in the mean time.
DAMNIT! I can't deal with this and again, lose my bottle and say "Oh don't worry, it's fine! It's only detention!". The walk continues...
As we approach my house, I'm getting desperate now and really need to think of something. Then another idea hit me! We got to my front door and I pretend to have forgotten my keys in the excitement of coming to meet this heavenly blessed beauty. I do my best bouncer impression and pat myself down from head to toe, all the while pretending to look devastated. I tell her the bad news, and again...those damn eyes! I try to hold my resolve but I can't, and before I know it I'm telling her that I just remember the spare set round the back, and climb over my fence with all the grace of a mortally wounded elephant.
This is getting bad now, she is now in my house. We go up to my room and my hearts racing, even my 16 year old self doesn't want to go through with this, it's not right. But here we are sat on my bed, awkwardly looking at each other, waiting for the inevitable to happen. And then it does, a hand out of no where grabs my thigh and works its way up, but I'm a broken man now. I have no excuses left, she's done it and now I must accept my fate...
We eventually end up moving to my dads room because, and I kid you not, she was a bit too big and heavy for the single bed I had at the time. That was an awkward suggestion to make
At the end of the "act", I looked up at the sky and thanked whoever it was I needed too that I made it and lived to tell the tale, but then...a truly horrifying thing happened...I look down..."Where's the condom?!". OH MY GOD....No....not this....it can't be.
She panics, I panic. She runs downstairs and in to the bathroom. I asked if she was ok, and the words "I'm trying to fish it out" cut through my ears like a .50 cal bullet, how crude...she didn't even sugar coat it, just told it as it was. And I can't handle the situation very well so I'm praying that she manages to find it, but more importantly, the contents inside remain intact, if you get what I mean.
She emerges, still naked at this point, only my worry masks my disgust. "I've got it". She explains the gory details and relief sweeps over my 16 year old naive self. We get dressed and I start to see the end of this situation, the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel that relieved that I offer to walk her in to town to catch her bus. When we get in to town, she tells me that she thinks we should get the morning after pill and not really knowing what this is and how it could benefit me, I just go along with it and agree. We walk in to a pharmacy and she asks the man behind the counter.
He looks at me, almost in disappointment, both that I could do the act itself and that I was so foolish as to find myself in this situation. All of a sudden she has a break down. Bursts in to tears and I can't even understand the words leaving her mouth, all I know is there is now a couple of old ladies looking at me as if I raped her or something. They start shaking their heads at me and now the pharmacist is not only disappointed, he's appalled. He comforts her and I try and hurry it along by asking if she can have it or not.
"Of course, £28 please". I look at her, and it's quite evident that she has no intention of paying. This **** is unbelievable, after all this I'm now having to pay for the privilege of it all.
I storm off to the nearest cash point, get £30 out which was pretty much all I had in my account at the time and pay for this pill. She snatches it out of the pharmacists hands and runs out, leaving me stood there, broken, embarrassed and poor.
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