I've had problems since the death of my father, which will be three years ago this Christmas. He was 77, fit and active with a clean bill of health for someone that age, quite a wide social circle and he and my mum would go on a long cruise every year. He was seeing a friend of theirs off the driveway onto the main road and a car hit him. Died instantly. He'd said before that my mum's memory wasn't the best and after his death I discovered she'd been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. We had to put her into care 18 months later and while in care she was sectioned under the mental health act and is now in a secure unit, heavily sedated. I'm going to see her on Sunday, the first time in six months. The family home is up for sale so we can cover future care costs.
I don't feel I've been able to grieve properly for my father aside from two hours sobbing on top of a mountain on the Inner Hebrides. I miss him terribly and I'm close to tears as I write this.
Since my dad's death I've suffered from depression, I'm up and down with it. I've had counselling which was OK but only funded for six sessions. Work know about this but have done nothing to help accommodate me, it's been a case of just getting on with the job (I've had the same job for 20 years now, newspaper sub editor, quite stressful). I fact a few weeks ago my line manager took me into an office and accused me of not pulling my weight and being part of an orchestrated campaign of ignorance towards her. I nearly walked out in disbelief at such claims (I'm a grafter for what it's worth and anyone else in the office would back that up, if you wanted to be stuck in the trenches with someone, I'm that man) but because a lot of the time at work I'll just be quiet and get my head down and get on with the work it obviously gets misinterpreted, but I feel I have no-one to talk to in respect of complaining about this, to the point I feel I'm being singled out and they want me to go. I even said to my line manager that if she wants me gone then she should put the wheels in motion to get rid of me.
She asked me if anything was wrong and I said that, apart from the depression, I explained my mother had been sectioned. The response was that all the other people I work with have problems and get on with things and so should I. I really didn't know what to say to that.
I don't enjoy my work, the content of the work (local newspaper so sex fiends, paedos, murderers, thieves, inquests and petty politics are the order of the day every day) and quite honestly I just want to do my 8 hour shift and get out of there. I've now idea what I would do if I left the job.
The positives? Well I have a very supportive partner and I enjoy photography, though I find much of that can be mood dependent. Since that meeting with my line manager I feel much of that has gone to **** but I try to accept the general malaise will pick up at some point. I spend my Saturdays out on the moors, often with an older chap who's been mentoring me on the birds and patch, doing breeding bird surveys in the summer (I'm licensed for nest disturbance for a couple of rare bird of prey species which is a really privileged position to be in) which I find very cathartic. I do go out there on my own quite a bit as well. Aside from enjoying being in their (ie the birds') world and all the wildlife I get to see and the beautiful landscape (peat moors covered in heather, bilberry and spagnum bog) I have a lot of time to think. Perhaps that is part of my problem, the thinking, as I tend to dwell on things and over-think.
I guess I just try to keep on with things. I look for other jobs in terms of a change of career but don't have the qualifications (my degree is in journalism). If I could pack up and move to the Hebrides somewhere I would, that would be my ideal move. But to do what and to be even further away from my mum who at some point will be going back into the community, albeit into a secure care home environment and not wanting to let her down for my dad, are sticking points, along with my partner's parents being close by and her not wanting to be too far from them. One day perhaps.
I don't feel I've been able to grieve properly for my father aside from two hours sobbing on top of a mountain on the Inner Hebrides. I miss him terribly and I'm close to tears as I write this.
Since my dad's death I've suffered from depression, I'm up and down with it. I've had counselling which was OK but only funded for six sessions. Work know about this but have done nothing to help accommodate me, it's been a case of just getting on with the job (I've had the same job for 20 years now, newspaper sub editor, quite stressful). I fact a few weeks ago my line manager took me into an office and accused me of not pulling my weight and being part of an orchestrated campaign of ignorance towards her. I nearly walked out in disbelief at such claims (I'm a grafter for what it's worth and anyone else in the office would back that up, if you wanted to be stuck in the trenches with someone, I'm that man) but because a lot of the time at work I'll just be quiet and get my head down and get on with the work it obviously gets misinterpreted, but I feel I have no-one to talk to in respect of complaining about this, to the point I feel I'm being singled out and they want me to go. I even said to my line manager that if she wants me gone then she should put the wheels in motion to get rid of me.
She asked me if anything was wrong and I said that, apart from the depression, I explained my mother had been sectioned. The response was that all the other people I work with have problems and get on with things and so should I. I really didn't know what to say to that.
I don't enjoy my work, the content of the work (local newspaper so sex fiends, paedos, murderers, thieves, inquests and petty politics are the order of the day every day) and quite honestly I just want to do my 8 hour shift and get out of there. I've now idea what I would do if I left the job.
The positives? Well I have a very supportive partner and I enjoy photography, though I find much of that can be mood dependent. Since that meeting with my line manager I feel much of that has gone to **** but I try to accept the general malaise will pick up at some point. I spend my Saturdays out on the moors, often with an older chap who's been mentoring me on the birds and patch, doing breeding bird surveys in the summer (I'm licensed for nest disturbance for a couple of rare bird of prey species which is a really privileged position to be in) which I find very cathartic. I do go out there on my own quite a bit as well. Aside from enjoying being in their (ie the birds') world and all the wildlife I get to see and the beautiful landscape (peat moors covered in heather, bilberry and spagnum bog) I have a lot of time to think. Perhaps that is part of my problem, the thinking, as I tend to dwell on things and over-think.
I guess I just try to keep on with things. I look for other jobs in terms of a change of career but don't have the qualifications (my degree is in journalism). If I could pack up and move to the Hebrides somewhere I would, that would be my ideal move. But to do what and to be even further away from my mum who at some point will be going back into the community, albeit into a secure care home environment and not wanting to let her down for my dad, are sticking points, along with my partner's parents being close by and her not wanting to be too far from them. One day perhaps.
