Long distance relationship advice

kissenger

kissenger

kissenger

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I live in Birmingham and I've just been offered a job in Exeter that I can't really turn down (I was out of work, and this job pays well, even though it's only a fixed term contract for 1 year), but I'm worried about my relationship with my girlfriend. We both definitely want to stay together, so we're planning to do the long distance thing and see each other every second weekend (mainly with me driving to Brum), but I've never been in a long distance relationship before, so I don't know how to make it work.

Do you guys have any advice? She's been in one before and it didn't end up working out. She said her and her BF (who she only saw every couple of months) just ran out of things to talk about on the phone, and we've talked about how it might be best to keep contact (by phone, text, etc) to a minimum until we can actually see each other.

I really don't want to lose her. We're going to move in together and get married when we're both settled, but until then we're going to have to make do.
 
If you do this and she is ok and doesnt go all paranoid/jealous/drifts off and drops you then MARRY HER! she is one of the rare girls!

Try to make it so that you see her on a regular basis to keep the physical stuff there, in the build up you can send cheeky txt and build up some anticipation!

Just be honest and talk it through, these things can and do work if you are both sensible and honest.

If she flakes out then to be honest you have dodged a bullet.... being cynical this is actually a great way of seeing if she really is wife material!
 
It all depends on the amount of trust in the relationship. My eldest daughter's relationship with her boyfriend survived her studying in Russia for a year and they only got to see each other 3 times.

We were very surprised as he's always been a bit needy, but the whole experience made him grow enormously and they always had complete trust in each other.

His being in Leeds this year while she's in Exter will be another test, but we think they'll make it...
 
If you guys really love each other you'll find a way to make it work.


Yes it's cheesy but it's true.
 
I'm confused Brum > Exeter? Exeter in UK? 150 miles away, 2hr 45mins? Hardly a million miles away!

Why can you only see each other every 2 weeks? Can you not carshare with someone etc. Why can't she come down one weekend, or during the week if possible?

I'm sure when you get your feet under the table at work, there will be more options to see each other more frequently.

But tbh, if you have been out of work and you have a contract for a year, then you have to go for it surely? This will certainly enhance your CV and possibly help you find work back home?

Or alternatively, side chicks during the working week ;)
 
Terminal_Boy said:
It all depends on the amount of trust in the relationship.
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One thing I can say for sure is that I trust her 100%. The possibility of her cheating, or me cheating on her, hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm more worried about the unknown, and what if the relationship just dies out?

We don't talk a lot on the phone at the moment. We just spend a lot of time with each other in person, mostly hanging out at her house or mine. So I don't like the thought of calling her being our main form of contact.
 
Christ, it's not that far. One of the managers at work (Birmingham) now works out of our Exeter office, staying over in Exeter a few nights a week but still lives in Birmingham.

Why don't you spend Monday - Friday in Exeter but live in Birmingham for the weekends. Then the only commuting is once on Monday morning and once on Fri evening. It's only for a year anyway? Then after a year decide where you'd both be better off living / or change jobs.
 
ivrytwr3 said:
I'm confused Brum > Exeter? Exeter in UK? 150 miles away, 2hr 45mins? Hardly a million miles away!

Why can you only see each other every 2 weeks?
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What we've agreed is that we'll definitely see each other for the whole weekend every other weekend, and try and see each other more often than when we can. I don't mind driving so I'm gonna try and at least make the trip 3 weekends out of 4. Cost is a consideration, but I think it's only about £30 in my car (MPG is one of the few advantages of driving a Prius :D).
 
You could see each other each weekend if you wanted, tis hardly 'long distance' you're in the same country... frankly you could alternate weekends in each location - see each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

Or if your job is really well paid and potential for you to stay there after the 1 year contract is up then why doesn't she consider moving?
 
Deluxe1 said:
One of you sooner or later will get bored of the long distance thing.
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Generalised statement much? :confused:

150 miles isn't long distance, by any means.

If you're classing that as long distance, then the last five and a half years of my relationship, i.e. the entirety of it, have been long distance.

How you handle it is entirely down to your own (and her) character, the state of the relationship and how independent you both are.
 
Ive done it before;
  • Me and mrs together ~2.5 years in glasgow
  • Living apart 1.5 years when I had a job in Cambridge - She got a job in west midlands
  • Back together now in west midlands (6 months so far)

IMO 1 year isn't very long and you'll be fine. We saw each other ~most~ weekends (say 3 weekends in 4), and the main frustration was the long commute Fridays and Sundays (initially neither of us drove, and it was about 5 hours door to door for me!!!! - Getting a cheap megabus :o )
 
It's more 'medium distance' really. Easily do-able if you're both 100% committed to the relationship. A few alarm bells ring though:

Every other weekend? Why not aim for 'most' weekends? If things come up to prevent it, then fine, but your plan sounds a bit stand-offish and runs the risk of drifting to less frequent over time.

Keeping communications to a minimum while apart? Why? Communication is key in any relationship, even with couples who like to do their own thing and have plenty of space. Not communicating can just lead to suspicion and doubt. Besides, if you're running out of things to talk about, why would this be any different on the phone than if living together?

Sounds to me like one or other (or both) of you are already throwing up some barriers and setting the bar quite low before you even start.
 
Cern said:
Every other weekend? Why not aim for 'most' weekends? If things come up to prevent it, then fine, but your plan sounds a bit stand-offish and runs the risk of drifting to less frequent over time.
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It's actually kind of the other way round. We said two weeks because that's very specific and easily doable. If we said 'most' weekends then that's vague and more prone to drifting.


Cern said:
Keeping communications to a minimum while apart? Why? Communication is key in any relationship, even with couples who like to do their own thing and have plenty of space. Not communicating can just lead to suspicion and doubt. Besides, if you're running out of things to talk about, why would this be any different on the phone than if living together?
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I think we both just feel like texting/talking on the phone isn't the same as seeing each other in person, so no point. I'd rather just see her in person on the weekends and we can catch up then. We're both pretty independent and self-reliant, so not speaking every day isn't a problem.

We don't live together currently (although we were hoping to be able to move in together soon), so this will be going from seeing each other 4-5 days a week to 3 days a week.
 
My partner has been in Australia with work since March without only 10 days back home in June for a break and isn't due home until the end of September. You can't really be much further apart than that!

We've been together for nearly 14 years and have only just moved from a flat into a house, which needs a bit of work. It's not been easy, but you have to think of things differently.

Short term pain, long term gain.

As others have said, if the relationship is solid then you'll find a way to make it work.
It's soppy, but distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder.
 
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