Saturday night couldn't sleep, so I read "Night to remember" (Walter Lords superb novel accounting of the sinking of the Titanic, later made into the best ever Titanic movie)
The thought came to me, Just how would Birkenhead drill go down today?
This, rather naughty, idea came to me....!
The thought came to me, Just how would Birkenhead drill go down today?
This, rather naughty, idea came to me....!
Titanic 2012.
(I know it is 2016, And Lightoller was number two rather than Number one, but 2012/Lightoller sounds better!)
The Great ship, Titanic II sets sail from Southampton for a nice leisurely maiden cruise to the Bahamas.
Unlike her predecessor, the passengers are not comprised of the worlds super rich (They all have their own Yachts and Aircraft these days). Instead, the Passenger list consists mainly of Local authority Officers and Councillors attending a climate change conference (Which for some reason invariably seem to be held in rather nice parts of the world)
Like her predecessor, (It is not important why) the ship suffers damage that means that the she will slowly but inexorably sink in the middle of the ocean.
Unlike her predecessor however, there are lifeboats sufficient for all on board..
Captain Smith IV (The Great Grandson of the original captain Smith) Orders abandon ship, In the finest tradition of the sea, he orders “Women and Children first”. His First officer Lightoller IV (Also the Great Grandson of the original Lightoller) walks out to the boat deck and issues the order.
There is a moment of stunned silence.
A Hand goes up, It is Joshua Witherspoon, the “Equality and diversity” officer for Haringey council.
“I protest, this is Sex discrimination!”
Elsewhere in the crowd, Ms Brickheart, the leader of the Rotherham Councils “Wimin’s Group” opens her mouth to offer her support but then realises that, for the first time in her life, her interests might best be served by keeping it closed.
At this point, Tarquin and Aloitious (With a miserable looking 10 year old boy, dressed in a “gender neutral” pink tutu and camo top ensamble, in tow) protest that this is soo homophobic, they may both be the Daddy, but they should also both be considered the Mommy too!
Moments later three men wearing ill fitting dresses and lipstick that looks like it was applied by a child using a crayon totter forward on high heels and announce that the 24 hours of the voyage have been a voyage of discovery for them and they now all realise that they were actually born Women. Henceforth, Timothy shall be known as Tabitha, George will be known as Geraldine, and Andrew will be known as Annabel. Oh, and where is my lifeboat?
At this point, Lightoller mutters to himself “Sod this for a game of Soldiers”, turns round, and makes his way back to the Bridge to join Captain Smith, briefly stopping off at the Saloon to collect a very large bottle of Brandy and two glasses.
Smith and Lightoller spend the next two hours sharing the Brandy in total silence (As befitting two Men facing their inevitable and inescapable Doom) looking out as the bow of the great ship dips beneath the waves and the water creeps slowly up the deck towards the bridge.
In the background the sound of heated debate is heard.
Witherspoon is attempting to form a committee to decide the composition of the committee that should decide the correct and most fair and least discriminatory order for loading the lifeboats.
As yet, no boats have been loaded!
Time passes.
In the final moments before the great ship slips below the waves, for ever taking all on board to Davy Jones locker.
Smith, with the icy water swirling around his ankles, says to Lightoller.
“You know Number one, It wasn’t like this in our great grandparents day.”
Lightoller replies.
“No Sir, it certainly wasn’t.”
“But you know, things could have been far far worse!”
“How so number one” says Smith.
(As Lightoller drains the last of his Brandy)
“Well Sir, Some of them might have survived!”
