Need your advice single parents...

Steedie

Steedie

Steedie

Man of Honour
Joined
29 Jun 2004
Posts
21,637
Location
Oxfordshire
Hey guys,

I'm going to try and condense what would normally be a TL:DR post into a more sensible sized post, so forgive me if it jumps around or seems short on info, happy to elaborate if needed.

But basically, I've been with my girlfriend coming up to 7 years, and in 2014 she got pregnant, we weren't trying and it caused some tension initially but I'm so glad she didn't listen to me as my son is the best thing to ever happen to me. But even before she got pregnant, we had far from the best relationship anyway, we argued a lot, didn't really have any intimacy and we were on and off a lot. Friends would always wonder why I was with her, and truth be told, I can't even tell you. Almost just felt easier at the time to be with her than go through the hassle of breaking up, which looking back is bizarre given how simple it would have been back then.

But when our son was born, I promised myself I'd try my hardest to make this work so he could grow up in a loving home. Things were great at first, other than the odd slip that you'd expect during that stressful period but for the most part it seemed to improve, but it quickly went back to how it used to be. But still, I was determined to make it work for my sons sake. I worked myself silly in my contracting job. Didn't have a day off for 2 years, sometimes working weekends just so I could build up a large deposit for a nice brand new big house and as small a mortgage as possible just so he could have a stable home rather than moving a lot like we did renting (landlords hiking rent every year in an already expensive area made it cheaper to move a lot than stay in one place). This caused me no amount of stress as I just felt burnt out all the time.

Relationship wise we're now at the point where I just feel nothing for her, and we just have no patience with each other, we're constantly losing our rag with each other over the smallest thing as we just can't stand each other basically. We always avoid this in front of our son, and as far as he's concerned, we're probably all loved up and happy as we're pretty good at putting on the act. But I don't want to be "that guy", losing his rag at his girlfriend, shouting and yelling and sometimes using language that I regret, I hate it but we're as bad as each other, not that it's an excuse.

But I know that despite my best efforts and intentions, by staying together and wanting to provide that loving stable home, I'm actually bringing him up in a toxic environment that will just do more harm than good. And for me as well it's not doing my any good, I've started to let the stress and misery creep in to other aspects of my life, my health has suffered too. I've found myself feeling run down a lot and getting colds and infections a lot more frequently due to always being stressed, and I pretty much suffer with tension headaches 24/7.

The dilemma I have is, the thought of not seeing my son every day breaks my heart. He's everything to me, and as cliche as it sounds, pretty much the reason I do anything any more as I'm sure any parent would agree. Forcing myself to walk away seems impossible, and I know it will be hard for him too. He's always waiting by the stairs for me to come home after work, and always wants me to get up with him in the morning as he loves "daddy noah time" as he puts it in the mornings, and thinking about him being upset wondering where I am makes me well up just thinking about it. And from an entirely selfish point of view, at his young age (he's 2), I'm worried about her meeting someone else and him seeing him more than he would me, and associating him as dad rather than me.

I'm honestly not looking for sympathy but I guess the point of this thread is just to get some input from people who have walked away for the right reasons and how they coped with it? Was it as hard as you expected? How much you get to see your children (less or more than you hoped)?

Thanks guys
 
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I have never been through this and might have been better to post in the relationships thread but I have watched enough Jeremy Kyle.

  • The only person that suffers from staying in a toxic relationship is the child
  • Try and make the split as amicable as possible
  • Do not play the blame game she will at some point use the child as a weapon
  • Go for 50/50 custody no reason why your boy cant live at yours and your partners
  • Better to do it now while hes still young and can adjust to the new way of life.. pretty sure its harder for older children as they start to understand more about life
 
Steedie said:
I'm honestly not looking for sympathy but I guess the point of this thread is just to get some input from people who have walked away for the right reasons and how they coped with it? Was it as hard as you expected? How much you get to see your children (less or more than you hoped)?

Thanks guys
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I would say I coped fairly well. In spite of all the dysfunctions, even years later I still miss the relationship sometimes, but once I remember the reasons, I feel better. Being away from the kids was and is the hardest part. I get why so many men who walk away will start a new family relatively quickly and become more distant - never understood that in the past but if you don't have your children near you to be with then there really is little point.

In my case I see my kids fairly often (lets say approaching but not quite 40-60) but not as much as I would like, although they are older now (one in the teens) so in some ways it is expected. However, I carve my time out with them as conscientiously as I can and try to make a big effort to be part of their lives. I can't really say how it would work for a 2-year old but you need to consider that at this point in the child's life they need physical necessities fulfilled much more than at any other time, and it is hard work to do this on your own.

It's not an easy choice but I would at least consider staying together for the sake of your young son and seeing if something can be worked out. In my opinion a happy family is a crucial underpinning of a child's growth and development. In some cases it is not possible of course, but I can't speak for how it would work logistically and life-wise with a 2-year old.
 
Random Guy said:
It's not an easy choice but I would at least consider staying together for the sake of your young son and seeing if something can be worked out.
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I wish I could, but there's nothing there any more. No physical attraction and I certainly don't feel like I love her any more, and it always feels so forced if we go out our way to try, like a "date night", and even on those nights we struggle not to argue :(

And I worry all this time we're trying to fix it will have an effect on him as he gets older and can tell something is up
 
Steedie said:
The dilemma I have is, the thought of not seeing my son every day breaks my heart. He's everything to me, and as cliche as it sounds, pretty much the reason I do anything any more as I'm sure any parent would agree.
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It doesn't get an easier and i sobbed like a baby the first time my son went to stay with his mum after we split up, he was 2 back then now he's 8.

He stays with me every week after school on a Friday till Sun which I find gives us better quality time over the weekend then in the week because of work, and it's stability for him going to School, but it doesn't stop me missing him everyday in between....:(
 
Jono said:
Have you talked to her about it? What's she say?
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We've spoken several times about breaking up, walking away. And we always end up trying to make it work, which these days translates to "lets just bury our heads for now for his sake"
 
Tosno said:
Are you beyond doubt it's your son? 1 in 10 men rise another man's child without knowing.
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Ha...it has crossed my mind several times. But I'm almost certain he is, and regardless whether he is or not, he'd always be my son now
 
Is this compounded by the problem and stress (maybe?) you are having with your car recently?

I know that sounds stupid but you never know.

Seems like you are at that awkward point of just being in the run of the mill daily lifestyle and maybe both of you are bored and not really making much of an effort for each other, it's easier to call it quits and walk away than really try.

I've been there with my girlfriend, we've been through our troubles but we've worked through it, it takes a lot of work from both parties to make a relationship work.

It broke my heart thinking about it at the point we were going through our troubles of not seeing the boys. It's one of those things you can't beat.
 
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Steedie said:
Ha...it has crossed my mind several times. But I'm almost certain he is, and regardless whether he is or not, he'd always be my son now
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I hope he is but forcing yourself to live in a toxic relationship over Chad's child is not noble.
 
Tough call but if your not happy and you partner is not happy, then how can you raise a child in a "happy" environment.

I totally understand the daily grind of kids up, off to school, work, kids home, kids activities/taxi service, food, bed, 1 or 2 hours with the wife, then bed for us - and start all over again. Our relationships struggles a lot and we have very little time for us.

It grinds you down, it's hard work, it does put strains on relationships but if your truly not happy with each other, then you need to part before it gets more toxic and hatred.

Your son is getting to that age where he will notice more things, see the issues between you and partner - it's your call but do it now or it will only get worse.

Other considerations - counselling?
 
I don't think you really want to know what it will be like, its not good and there are a million different things that will influence and steer how it goes.

I have been through pretty much exactly what you are talking about doing although a different setup.

You will miss large parts of his life and you will at some points be distraught about missing or not being there for something or some decision that was taken by somebody else about your child.
I think the most important thing is a decent adult relationship with mum, resolve to always put the child first even if you can't talk to each other and always to consult each other of matters of that childs interest.

There's loads more, honesty if I look back it was horrific but now my son is 17 and he's a good lad and really knows little of the struggle it took to keep things good for him (I left when he was 7). I work hard and used to have him Thursday from school and back to school next morning one week then the next it would be thursday from school and in my care till sunday night. Its important to seen them but also not to be stitched up as a carer for mum to go clubbing every weekend (you need a life too)
There will be a new "dad" in your childs life at some point, no doubts, be aware. You may hate him, he may be a decent bloke, not your decision!
You will meet somebody new, mum may hate her, kick up etc but same rules, not her decision!

Would I do it again? Certainly, our relationship was more than broken and now I have a bloody stunning wife and I'm much happier than I could have imagined, to be fair so is his mum.
 
booyaka said:
Tough call but if your not happy and you partner is not happy, then how can you raise a child in a "happy" environment.

I totally understand the daily grind of kids up, off to school, work, kids home, kids activities/taxi service, food, bed, 1 or 2 hours with the wife, then bed for us - and start all over again. Our relationships struggles a lot and we have very little time for us.

It grinds you down, it's hard work, it does put strains on relationships but if your truly not happy with each other, then you need to part before it gets more toxic and hatred.

Your son is getting to that age where he will notice more things, see the issues between you and partner - it's your call but do it now or it will only get worse.

Other considerations - counselling?
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Totally agree Counselling is the way, get yourself booked in my friend, i am currently having counselling due to the similar above, i love my wife but there is hell of a'lot of background history that i cannot go down that's made me have a breakdown.

Wish i went years ago

Good luck dude
 
That sounds awful and I can imagine it seems like the hardest thing in the world right now. However, growing up in an environment where my parents frequently fought, I can safely say - it's not worth putting your child through that. Even when you think they don't notice you're not all 'loved up' - they do.

Also, you can't stop listening to your body. All the headaches and symptoms you're experiencing are the result of this fight you're having with yourself about what to do - the uncertainty and stress. If you continue to ignore it, it will just get worse until you totally burn out.

We only get one life so be brave. It sets a better example for your son to see you happily living life, full of vitality. Achieve that happiness however you like but take some action - counselling, a break, separating etc...

Obviously you have concerns that are holding you back which are focussed on your son. Check out some legal websites (separated dads for example) to familiarise yourself with where you stand before doing anything - just in case she goes ballistic, you won't need to worry as you'll know what is allowed. I don't think she can deny you access to your son and you can always agree to have him stay with you on certain days. The time you spent together will be quality time where you're hopefully happier with life and a better parent as a result. Good luck!
 
Having been in situation before, I would say having a child is a life changing experience for both partners, and now with our second daughter turning 2 this year I would say its the best thing ever but it's no easy roller coaster.

After Pregnancy the mother loses a lot of body confidence and with the Post Netal Drepression that affects quite a lot of women, their hormones are all over the place. It's great that you are a supportive father as that is the most important thing. The first 2 years are the hardest dirty diapers, sleepness nights, financial issues can cause a lot of arguments. What you are going through is pretty normal because of the bundle of joy in your life priority changes.

Communication is the key and trust me the amount of times I moan at my misses for this because she will bring things up 3 weeks later! :D. It's important to work as a family unit and discuss how you feel no finger pointing.

My current issue atm is her mobile phone I want to nuke that thing out of orbit, but that's a different story.
 
Any value in relationship counselling through relate or something similar as a last ditch effort? I think I'd want to know I'd explored all possibilities.

I suppose then there is mediation to separate amicably if that fails.

I'm not sure it's much comfort, but if you do separate, at least you aren't married..

But good luck, difficult time I'm sure.

E: Hadn't seen above similar suggestions, but agreeing!
 
Thanks for all your replies so far guys

I guess counselling would be a possibility, but again I just wonder if it's past the point of repair. But only one way to find out I suppose

The replies about how hard it has been only make me feel less like I can leave, even though I know it's what's right :(

dave1983 said:
My current issue atm is her mobile phone I want to nuke that thing out of orbit, but that's a different story.
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Don't get me started, she's glued to the thing, all night when we could be talking and making an effort she's just lost in her phone. I'd be worried about it if she wasn't so relaxed about leaving it around unlocked and stuff.
 
I'm in the counselling camp. At least approaching that subject on fixing the relationship before ending it will keep the intentions positive and it may improve life for you both.

It's important to take time out for yourselves, even just a little, even if you really believe you can't afford to due to time/money/childcare etc, just do it anyway. For yourselves and for the relationship. You can't make good decisions when all the weight is on your backs. You need to take a step back, take stock and work together to either resilve or walk away. I think counselling would be a good option here.
 
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