ended up a bit of a rant - will get to the point eventually
My mum and dad divorced when I was ~16. He worked in london as a solicitor when I was a toddler. I remember lots of arguments and shouting and him not coming home after work. Turned out he was banging his secretary for at least a couple of years.
The firm then decided he would best suit an over seas role (partly to remove the embarrassing situation of his affair from the office - the senior partner was kind of old school like that) so we moved to the middle east.
My mum knew about the affair but chose to have a new start abroad.
Fast forward 6-7 years and it's time for me to start gcse's so mum and I returned to the UK and I was enrolled in a boarding school. She was then due to go back abroad but for whatever reason she ended up staying here.
Anyway, when I was 16 my dad divorced my mum on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. She ended up with a settlement that included enough to buy a house (back then ~50k) and about 1k a month in maintenance money.
That was almost 25 years ago.
Prior to my arrival, my mum was a matron at a hospital, having also run a children's home, an old peoples home, and worked at a private practice in harley street. In short, she had a career of her own until I was born; and a good one at that should she have chosen to re-kindle it with some more up to date training.
Now, in all the time since her divorce, not once has she attempted to go back to any kind of paid work. She's worked 'for free' with animals at a local kennels because she enjoyed it.
Some time between the time I turned 27 or 30 (iirc) dad stopped paying her maintenance allowance. Now there was no agreement to do this as far as the divorce settlement was concerned. I think it coincided with his return to the uk and setting up his own practice on the south coast.
Now all of that I can reconcile - dad was kind of a **** and my mum suffered for that. She's talked about chasing him for more money, but has left it for too long in my opinion for that to be viable.
I have a lot of sympathy for how my mum was treated. However in all the time since her divorce she has been unable to move on either emotionally or financially - she has not made a life for herself with a new relationship or with a job or resurrection of her career, in almost 25 years. Let that sink in again - 25 YEARS
She still blames him for just about everything wrong in her life. She's now 74, lives alone and is recovering from a stroke at the beginning of last year. All she ever does is complain about how her life is crap and always has been and how it's everyone else's fault it's like that, how no matter how kind or decent she tries to be people always take advantage of her. She complains about having no money now and how she'd have been better off one way or another if she's have had more money out of the divorce etc. I'm sick and tired of hearing it tbh.
Thinking about the title of this topic only reinforces my view of divorce and how some women benefit from it. Given my family circumstances, I think it's wholly unreasonable for a woman to expect to have a free income for the rest of her life, extending into and beyond retirement for both former partners.
Though I don't feel good about thinking it, I can certainly see my parents relationship from my dads point of view sometimes; I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with my mum either, given how she has behaved over the last quarter of a century or so.
There's other factors in her behaviour too - a hormone imbalance; guys if you have any experience of women who have genuine problems in that area, not just a bit of pmt, you'll understand how difficult that is. Plus looking back on it I think she has been coping with some kind of depression for many years; she has always refused any kind of treatment for it and just kept on going. But her emotional stability is less than secure. Add to that the hormone imbalance, her stroke (possibly a result of long term HRT medication) and she's not in a very good place right now.
I frequently get the old 'I only stayed with your father to keep a stable home for you' in other words - if it weren't for you I'd have had a better life because I'd have left him etc. I know bad partnerships often stay together for the sake of the kids, but that's a decision entirely down to the parents idea that a financially stable home with a toxic emotional atmosphere is a better place for children to grow up. I'd disagree.
All that said (I thought some background to my thinking was required) I cannot say I think the ruling, to support in perpetuity the financial needs of a divorcee, is fair or just; no matter the circumstances of the marriage and reasons for the split. I'm sure there are cases where there is reasonable grounds for a longer term settlement agreement, but as far as I can see the majority of cases are grossly one sided.
No, I am not married and probably never will be.
My mum and dad divorced when I was ~16. He worked in london as a solicitor when I was a toddler. I remember lots of arguments and shouting and him not coming home after work. Turned out he was banging his secretary for at least a couple of years.
The firm then decided he would best suit an over seas role (partly to remove the embarrassing situation of his affair from the office - the senior partner was kind of old school like that) so we moved to the middle east.
My mum knew about the affair but chose to have a new start abroad.
Fast forward 6-7 years and it's time for me to start gcse's so mum and I returned to the UK and I was enrolled in a boarding school. She was then due to go back abroad but for whatever reason she ended up staying here.
Anyway, when I was 16 my dad divorced my mum on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. She ended up with a settlement that included enough to buy a house (back then ~50k) and about 1k a month in maintenance money.
That was almost 25 years ago.
Prior to my arrival, my mum was a matron at a hospital, having also run a children's home, an old peoples home, and worked at a private practice in harley street. In short, she had a career of her own until I was born; and a good one at that should she have chosen to re-kindle it with some more up to date training.
Now, in all the time since her divorce, not once has she attempted to go back to any kind of paid work. She's worked 'for free' with animals at a local kennels because she enjoyed it.
Some time between the time I turned 27 or 30 (iirc) dad stopped paying her maintenance allowance. Now there was no agreement to do this as far as the divorce settlement was concerned. I think it coincided with his return to the uk and setting up his own practice on the south coast.
Now all of that I can reconcile - dad was kind of a **** and my mum suffered for that. She's talked about chasing him for more money, but has left it for too long in my opinion for that to be viable.
I have a lot of sympathy for how my mum was treated. However in all the time since her divorce she has been unable to move on either emotionally or financially - she has not made a life for herself with a new relationship or with a job or resurrection of her career, in almost 25 years. Let that sink in again - 25 YEARS
She still blames him for just about everything wrong in her life. She's now 74, lives alone and is recovering from a stroke at the beginning of last year. All she ever does is complain about how her life is crap and always has been and how it's everyone else's fault it's like that, how no matter how kind or decent she tries to be people always take advantage of her. She complains about having no money now and how she'd have been better off one way or another if she's have had more money out of the divorce etc. I'm sick and tired of hearing it tbh.
Thinking about the title of this topic only reinforces my view of divorce and how some women benefit from it. Given my family circumstances, I think it's wholly unreasonable for a woman to expect to have a free income for the rest of her life, extending into and beyond retirement for both former partners.
Though I don't feel good about thinking it, I can certainly see my parents relationship from my dads point of view sometimes; I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with my mum either, given how she has behaved over the last quarter of a century or so.
There's other factors in her behaviour too - a hormone imbalance; guys if you have any experience of women who have genuine problems in that area, not just a bit of pmt, you'll understand how difficult that is. Plus looking back on it I think she has been coping with some kind of depression for many years; she has always refused any kind of treatment for it and just kept on going. But her emotional stability is less than secure. Add to that the hormone imbalance, her stroke (possibly a result of long term HRT medication) and she's not in a very good place right now.
I frequently get the old 'I only stayed with your father to keep a stable home for you' in other words - if it weren't for you I'd have had a better life because I'd have left him etc. I know bad partnerships often stay together for the sake of the kids, but that's a decision entirely down to the parents idea that a financially stable home with a toxic emotional atmosphere is a better place for children to grow up. I'd disagree.
All that said (I thought some background to my thinking was required) I cannot say I think the ruling, to support in perpetuity the financial needs of a divorcee, is fair or just; no matter the circumstances of the marriage and reasons for the split. I'm sure there are cases where there is reasonable grounds for a longer term settlement agreement, but as far as I can see the majority of cases are grossly one sided.
No, I am not married and probably never will be.
