Sister emotionally blackmailed away mums pension

[Boycey0211]

OK, so I have had a brilliant chat with mum on the phone. Spent an hour chatting over a lot of things.
Something did happen to my sister about 20 years ago but mum could never get her to open up about it. I may know a mutual friend who may know so that maybe an avenue to try.

anyway, my mum is ok......a lot of stress from my grandads passing but she is aware of the situation and importantly knows that I know. She has had a good talk to my dad and they are going to be a lot tougher with her. No cutting grass, or doing the running around. They are stopping the money stream and going to get the lazy husband to try and convince her to go back to work.

I don't want to push this any further at this stage but they know I am keeping an eye on the situation so mum knows she has my backing. We went over the baby due next year and how they need to ensure they don't become a second set of parents. Help yes, all grandparents help out, but there has to be a limit.

My mum has given her thousands, she admitted that.....but her pension isn't all gone and she assures me she is financially ok. She's still working and can recover her savings somewhat. I guess it's not a total **** storm.

I'll be keeping a close eye on things and they know that now. Very easy to say all this, but doing is another matter.

I'd now be worried that if your mum hadn't intentionally meant for you to see that email that she'll just try and cover it up more.

Still you've done a lot more than a lot of people would, well done and good luck

 

[glenimp617]

I'd now be worried that if your mum hadn't intentionally meant for you to see that email that she'll just try and cover it up more.

Still you've done a lot more than a lot of people would, well done and good luck

Yeah, I have thought about that. I guess my mum knowing that I am here if she needs me is better than nothing.
If she carries on in secret, there isn't really anything anyone can do.

My mum is soft....guess that's captain obvious....but she really is.

 

[Nitefly]

Damn... I’m fuming for the OP.

 

[CapitalOne]

I know it’s difficult to actually do OP, but I’d be having a word with my sibling. Your parents wellbeing after a working life could be expensive, and after all that is what they have saved for. Every parent would help out their kids, but if the kids don’t realise it’s thier turn to look after themselves and thier parents after the age of 40 odd they need talking to.

Forgot to add,, this is useless without pics off the sister as is OCUK tradition

Seriously though hope you can help working it out. It’s probably not like you have your own issues to deal with as well (as any middle aged parent does)

 

[glenimp617]

My mum has started back tracking already by a few texts I have received after our phone call.

Kinda reads like I know what I'm doing, don't get involved, I'll ask for your help if I need it.

 

[CapitalOne]

I think the only cure is a word with your sister and other half, not your mum.

 

[Monkeynut]

I think your mum deep down knows it's wrong but is in denial now and I think that the story she has given you has largely been to control the situation and placate you rather than one that admits the scale of the problem. Don't forget this could be decades of denial.

 

[Luckystrike123]

My sister is similar to your's and has cost my parents 10's of thousands (basically their retirement savings). They have finally gotten her told but unfortunately the damage has been done.

Ultimately it is for your parents to toughen up on her as she will not adjust her behaviour, so I'd recommend speaking to them first.

 

[Ayahuasca]

If you don’t persevere then it’s going to likely affect your own wellbeing in the end if you’ve got to witness your parents in financial ruin.

 

[Haggisman]

Forgot to add,, this is useless without pics off the sister as is OCUK tradition

Is that so the hitman can make sure he has the right target?

In all seriousness, if I found out one of my brothers was doing this to our mum they'd be getting a kicking... I realise this is your sister, but we do live in an age of sexual equality /keyboard warrior.

Based on your last reply, I'm sorry to say it sounds like your mum has simply told you what you want to hear on the phone so you don't hassle her any more about it. Not sure what you can really do to make sure it stops other than taking full control of your parents finances

 

[adolf hamster]

what's dad's take on this situation? does he know?

 

[Deleted User 234324]

Having been piggy in the middle in very similar circumstances, the best thing I did was just blurt it out and get it in the open. I'd like to say maybe your sister doesn't realise what she is doing, and if she does, well then she deserves to have the book thrown at her.

 

[glenimp617]

what's dad's take on this situation? does he know?

Mum says he does....but I'm seeing him next week so will talk to him then.

 

[Boycey0211]

you do have a legal option if you really want to step in:

A new law targeting people who psychologically and emotionally abuse their partners, spouses, or family members has come into force under the Serious Crime Bill.

The legislation will see psychological abusers facing up to five years in jail or a hefty fine, or both, if found guilty.

What is “controlling, coercive” behaviour?
The Home Office’s Statutory Guidance Framework on “controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” includes:

• Isolating a person from their friends and family
• Controlling what they do, where they go, who they can see, what they wear and when they sleep
• Repeatedly putting them down, such as telling them they are worthless
• Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
• Financial abuse
• Threats to reveal or publish private information

Not sure how relevant it is but I bet theres a case for emotional blackmail out of finances there.

 

[Boycey0211]

E; it looks like it doesn't count as coercion, but it must count as some kind of psychological abuse making your parents feel like they must support you for the needs of the baby etc?

 

[adolf hamster]

Mum says he does....but I'm seeing him next week so will talk to him then.

will be good to get him on board, with the 3 of you standing together on this there's more chance of any action sticking.

 

[TNGL]

I feel very sorry for your parents. Does your sister's boyfriend not have a job?

Perhaps your Mum is slightly more wily than she comes across to your sister and by telling your sister she's ran her pension into the ground, she is essentially cutting the supply of money off to your sister (who will now think there really is not anything left to scrounge from)? Just a theory...

 

[Flaevius]

And this folks highlights the statement I've made on here before about how some perfectly functional adults seem to become utterly moronic when it comes to their children.

And a fair statement it is too.

The parent(s), here, seem to have no ability to show an ounce of firmness with the sister. No matter how much you may love your children, and want to support them, it should be recognisable when you are being taken for a fool. The parents are propagating the leech-like behaviour. The notion that people at/approaching retirement age are being used for handouts and as part-time servants angers me immensely.

OP, your parents need to take a stand. I fear that, despite your best efforts, there will be scant progress until their own attitudes and behaviours improve. I can also understand why, now, they may be unlikely to take a firmer line with a grandchild due. But they really must nip this in the bud (and being more general, not knowing anything about your family history, I'd imagine they should have been firmer decades ago).

 

[regulus]

My mum has started back tracking already by a few texts I have received after our phone call.

Kinda reads like I know what I'm doing, don't get involved, I'll ask for your help if I need it.

TBH mate, stay out of it. If 37 years alive taught me one thing ... people are going to do what people are going to do. You can try and advise, relate, reason, empathize, sympathize, rationalize, get angry or plead, nothing will smash through that funk like a train at full speed other than a dose of cold reality. Reality always win in the end. It may take decades, but it always wins.

I can relate as something similar is happening in my family but it's my mother going after my sister's money, although not to the degree that you're describing in your OP. This is due to a life time of complete and utter financial ignorance and refusal to accept or acknowledge fiscal realities. An attempt was made to involve me in their Stupid Party a year ago, both got smacked flat on their arses and told to steer well clear with their ideas. I've no idea what's going on right now nor do I have even the slightest jot of interest.

You made your case in a reasonable manner as a fully cognitive adult to another fully cognitive adult. No point in annoying yourself any further.

 

[dowie]

My mum has started back tracking already by a few texts I have received after our phone call.

Kinda reads like I know what I'm doing, don't get involved, I'll ask for your help if I need it.

I'd tell your dad tbh... it might be "her" pension but in reality if they're married it affects both of them and if there is some emotional blackmail going on then your mum perhaps isn't in the right frame of mind to be objective about it and a second opinion from the other person who it directly affects if they're both married and living together is probably valuable - presumably he has a pension too that they'll both rely on but presumably he also expected that she had some savings and a pension herself and wasn't going to give them all away to the daughter


also this doesn't bode well for things in the future... one day they will sadly pass away and when the second of them to go dies it will be on you guys to sort out the funeral costs (if not also the first time around if they have limited income)... I suspect you may have trouble with this sister there.

They may end up needing care at home, the local authority provided services might leave you feeling worried and you decide they might be better off with privately funded carers... I guess your sister probably wouldn't be chipping in for that.

Also I guess if your dad is the current taxi service and her husband is some useless muppet who can't even cut the lawn then it will likely be you taking them for hospital visits etc.. in future

Ditto to any inheritance/estate etc.. (in fact the fairer way to do this would have been for all the money spent on her to be in the form of "loans" which potentially are deducted from her "share" when their house is sold but meh... it is their money - I guess if they're not fussed about treating you both equally perhaps your sister can persuade them to leave their house to her too)