Your Dad gets in touch after 30 years. What would you do?

Vince

Vince

Vince

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I don't normally post these threads but since it's all a bit random I am turning to a load of strangers on the internet. A bit of a life story cut down so I hope you have a drink or something. I was around 5 years old when my parents split up and had never heard from my dad since, no cards, no contact nothing. Needless to say I got on with life, had a childhood where my mum did her very best and instilled great values in me that made me driven, gave me a good work ethic and also gave me the tools I needed to do well in life. It was hard for her and for the majority of my childhood we didn't have a lot but i'm thankful for everything she sacrificed. I'm now 34 and have a beautiful wife, a big house in a nice area, 3 cars, pets, a great job and everything that I need to live comfortably.

I never met most of that side of the family up until a few years ago when I was looking to get an engine repaired and happened to run into a relative. I ended up running into my dads, sisters, son, so a cousin I guess. Anyway I didn't realise at the time what I had got myself into and ended up giving this guy/his garage quite a bit of money to do a job on my 911's engine. Anyway to cut a long story short he was a troubled guy and while in possession of my car (not driving it at the time) killed his girlfriend and stabbed himself multiple times. He was also taking money from the garage and myself as well as other customers to feed a lifestyle that wasn't sustainable. I got dragged into not only a murder case (which I had to give evidence at) as well as a legal battle with the garage to get my car back. To their credit after just a few letters they called me, apologised and invited me to collect my car that although had a fixed (well sorta) engine had sustained around 4k worth of other damage. So my first foray into that side of the family went horrifically aside from one thing, I met one of my other cousins who like me has no contact with anybody at all from that side of the family, shes a great girl and we speak on the phone once every few months to catch up. She was also the only member of that side of the family to attend my wedding.

So lets go back a bit anyway, my dad, I have at this time happy memories of before my mum and dad split up. I remember him for mainly the good stuff, little snippets from when I was really young but nothing solid, I do remember it being mostly happy. I am aware now that some of what I remember from my childhood were also the reasons for the breakdown of my mums marriage to my dad. Without sugar coating it at all he fell into a life of basically crime and became a drug addict and dealer.

Anyway fast forward to last night, It's around 10pm and I'm blissfully unaware of what is brewing, having a little game of Tarkov, as you do! I'm fraggin scavs left and right and I get a message from a random stranger, a woman claiming to be one of my dads sisters. I think he has about 4 sisters or something so it's plausible, she also knows plenty about me, him my sister and claims she met him in June after 34 years of no contact and was asked by him to find me (really not difficult if you know my name and google me i'm 1st, 2nd and 3rd hit on google with linkedin etc so finding me would have taken all of about 45 seconds of her time). Anyway I get all the normal spiel if you can call it that and decide that the only thing for it is to talk to my mum who verifies the story.

Another bit of info that is relevant is that over the last 10 years iv'e been contacted multiple times by the same person claiming to be his carer, who keeps feeding me snippits in sometimes unreadable (probably a bit like this thread) english but never really answers back or gives me anything tangible to put me in touch. I have absolutely no doubt that this person does know my dad though as they did feed me a load of pictures that were taken in 2005.

Anyway as it turns out my dad is apparently not a well man and is trying to reach out to me. The question is given my exposure to his family and these kinds of people should I just let the memories be enough and move on with my life? Or should I once again expose myself and my wife to a situation that is much more likely to end badly than well? I have said to my family a number of times that the only time I am ever likely to meet my old man again is at his funeral or when he decides on his death bed that he wants to reach out, which lets be honest is just him selfishly looking for what? forgiveness?

So gents, there you have it, a few snippits of my life story, some of which the guys in motors will already know but also a bit of a random question, i'm just not sure that I want to go down that road or if I really care what is at the other end. On the other hand if I don't i'll never get that closure myself, i'm 34 and don't have any kids but when I do have children I can never imagine myself walking out and having no contact for 30 years. So GD what would you do?

tldr - Thread reads like Jeremy Kyle, Haven't seen the old man in 30 or so years, the only contact that side of the family has been disastrous, old man is a disaster of a human and is apparently not in good health, his family are reaching out. what would you do?
 
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Ultimately only you can decide but ask yourself how you may feel in a few years if he dies and you never took the chance to see him

Personally I would go for it, there’s nothing to lose
 
Two sides to every story I'd say atleast let him have his day in court so to speak - but given the rest I'd definitely filter it and not expose your family until you know what you are dealing with.
 
Id go alone, see what he has to say. He might just want to say his peace to you.

Even though hes your dad, if you haven't seen him for 30 years hes just going to be another person in your life you've met and passed by, you dont have any memories together, and by accounts if hes not going to well then you arent likely to make any.
 
Up to you really none of us can answer

If it was me though I wouldn't waste the time with him, he made his choice when he decided to have no contact for 30 odd years
 
Fem him I have not seen my dad in over 40 years yet I know he is looking for me at the moment.

Screw him not worth the bother, as you sound you doing ok so whats the point.
 
My dad reached out recently after along time not being in contact. He is 73 and is not a bad man, just in his younger days was a depressive violent drunk. He suffered by his own fathers hand by all accounts, cycle repeating.

He fixed up, but stayed away as he didn't want to cause any more disruption in our lives. For better or worse that choice was made. My mum always said to visit him as he was still my dad.

I thought long and hard about it before engaging with him. It's interesting to see aspects of myself in him that I never really had understood.

Choice is yours really. Sometimes it's about being magnanimous in these circumstances. What is the harm to you?

If you are certain his passing will not affect you then carry on with your life. If you are seeking answers maybe a chat might do some good.

I hope either way you make a choice that is right with you.
 
As others have said:

If you hate not knowing, find them.
If you care about even not helping a termainal person who is (supposedly) seeking you take a weight off their shoulders, find them.
If you wonder if your children would ask you about them, and you would prefer not to lie to the children, then find them.
If you're just a kind person, then find them.
If you are brave enough and not overly concerned about your immediate safety around them, then find them.

Do, or do not. It matters not, as from the sounds of things, a conclusion will come from either choice, or if you delay deciding as time takes its course.

But I will also agree with others, that as you do not know their envrions and backgrounds, if you do decide to see them, better to go alone. They can find you at this time, not the rest of your family. Taking precautions to keep them anon to this side of the family isn't anything bad. It's what anyone would do.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, whatever the outcome of that decision is, it's the decision you make and one you'll be happy with no matter the outcome.

Maybe regale us in the future of what transpired later? :)
 
My father got in touch after 50 years and really expected me to be okay with it, I was not rude as I wanted to know why. I did not get an answer and he has not phoned again. But I have a loathsome family the reason I moved to Scotland 40 years you was to put as much distance as I could afford at the time between usus.
A forum is no place to get advice on this subject as only you can decide.
 
As someone who lost his father at 16. You only get one and he is a massive part of who you are and why you are who you are. Its not going to make the situation any worse is it? You may get some answers you need and it will stop any later in life regrets. In short, youve got nothing to lose.
 
My missus went 30 odd years without any contact from her estranged father. Long story short, she found out not all was as it seemed and they reconciled. She regrets missing all those years. 15 years later, they and her rediscovered siblings are a big part of each others lives. New baby nieces and nephews etc. All good even with the distances involved.

I did this once for a close friend, drove him some 200 miles to see his father after 20 years apart. Couple of hours he came out, they'd spoken and made their peace. The old man died not soon after. My friend, not a talker was grateful for the support and said it gave him closure.

Only you know what's right for you. But if it were me, going on your story. I'd go once, maybe not alone but definitely not involve my family. Wouldn't let on about money, nice cars etc. But just to know I tried and didn't end up wondering what he wanted. Or even get to say my piece to his face.
 
He's your biological father, but not really your Dad. As mentioned it's impossible for any of us to answer. Reading your post it seems like you're erring on the side of caution, which is understandable given the extended family on his side.

If you're curious you may as well go for it, but be careful to insulate yourself from any blow back from other members of the family.
 
Only you can make the choice but having being in a similar situation of not being taken away from my birth parents at 5 and forced to see them till I was 16 where I decided to cut all contact with them.

I was still in contact with nan’s, grandad’s, uncle’s on that side of the family. Dad was taken pretty ill and was convicended no poi t seeing him etc.

A good friend said that I am a good guy and i wouldn’t want any guilt if the worse was to happen and you didn’t make the effort to go.

Even if you go and after a couple of mins you can’t stand it an left at least you were the bigger man and tried to make peace.

I did go and spent about an hour with him, to be honest I found it tough as it brought up a lot of tough old memories.

Hey shortly died after and it did give me some answers and some closure.
 
They always want something rather than you, do what you like for no reasons other than your own.
 
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